Criticism. It’s something we’ve all faced, and it comes in countless forms—comments about our appearance, judgments about our work, opinions on our hobbies, or remarks on our life choices. It’s amazing how a few words, sometimes unsolicited and often harsh, can throw us off balance, sour our mood, and chip away at our self-esteem. But here’s the truth: Criticism doesn’t define us unless we allow it to. To keep our emotional energy intact, it’s essential to understand why criticism stings, what motivates people to criticize, and how we can respond without losing ourselves.

Why Does Criticism Hurt So Much?

Our response to criticism is deeply wired into our psychology. It’s part of our defense mechanism. As Adam Grant, a psychologist and professor, explains, criticism triggers physical and emotional reactions: our heart rate spikes, our shoulders tense, and our thoughts begin to race. Essentially, our body perceives criticism as a threat.

But why do we react this way? According to psychologist David Burns, the real damage comes not from the words themselves but from what they activate—our inner critic. When someone points out our flaws, our own self-doubts roar to life, attacking us from the inside. That internal voice can magnify even a minor remark, turning it into a personal assault that erodes self-esteem. On top of that, we often don’t know how to respond, which leaves us feeling even more vulnerable.

Why Do People Criticize Others?

Criticism often says more about the critic than the person being criticized. According to psychiatrist Stephen Berglas, criticism can stem from projection, a psychological defense mechanism where people deny their own flaws and instead see them in others. For some, criticizing others is a way to shift attention away from their insecurities or frustrations.

When someone’s harsh words hit you, ask yourself: Is this about me, or is this about them? Often, the negative energy they send your way reflects their struggles, not your reality.

How to Distinguish Useful Criticism From Useless Noise

Not all criticism is created equal. Some feedback can help you improve, while other remarks are just destructive noise. The key is learning how to filter it. Before taking criticism to heart, ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I care about this topic? If the criticism is about something you’ve already moved past, why dwell on it?

2. Is this person’s opinion valuable? Constructive feedback from a trusted friend or expert is far more meaningful than unsolicited advice from a stranger.

3. Will this help me improve? Does the criticism give you insights or actionable advice, or is it just a baseless insult?

4. Am I ready to hear it right now? Even valid feedback is easier to process when you’re in the right frame of mind.

If you answer “yes” to most of these questions, take the criticism seriously and use it to grow. If not, let it slide. You’re not obligated to take every comment to heart.

How to Respond to Criticism (Without Losing Your Cool)

Sometimes, it’s hard to tell whether criticism is worth engaging with or not. Here’s how you can handle both constructive and destructive feedback.

Constructive Criticism If someone offers well-meaning advice, thank them. You don’t need to get defensive. A simple, “Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind” shows maturity and helps you stay in control of the conversation.

Example:

• “You should double-check your data in reports to avoid errors next time.”

• “Thank you, I’ll be more careful moving forward.”

Unhelpful or Aggressive Criticism For useless or mean-spirited remarks, you have a choice: you can engage briefly or ignore them completely. One effective technique is “playing the broken record,” where you calmly repeat your stance without escalating the situation.

Long Response Example:

• “Why did you dye your hair? It looks awful!”

• “I like my new hair color.”

• “But it’s so outdated!”

• “I’m happy with it.”

Short Response Example:

• “Why did you dye your hair? It doesn’t suit you!”

• “I like it, and I’d rather not discuss it.”

Remember: You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your choices. If someone is crossing your boundaries, you have every right to block them—emotionally and, if necessary, digitally.

How to Stop Taking Criticism Personally

One of the most liberating realizations is this: criticism is often not about you at all. People project their fears, insecurities, and frustrations onto others. Their judgment doesn’t reflect your worth or value.

To protect yourself, focus on building stable self-esteem and strong boundaries. When you know your own value, unsolicited opinions lose their power. Criticism becomes background noise rather than a personal attack. As you grow emotionally, you’ll learn to filter the feedback that matters from the noise that doesn’t.

The Bottom Line: Criticism Is a Choice

Criticism will always exist—it’s an unavoidable part of life. But how you react to it is entirely within your control. You can choose to let it hurt you, or you can choose to learn from it—or dismiss it altogether.

Next time someone throws an unsolicited opinion your way, pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself: Is this worth my energy? And remember, your self-worth is not up for debate. No one has the right to define you but yourself.