Remember that moment when you first slid behind the wheel of a brand-new car? Or when you got the keys to an apartment with a city view? Your heart was pounding, your hands trembled a little, and it felt like: this is it, the pinnacle. Now you can finally breathe easy. But six months or a year later, that same shiny car is just parked outside your window, covered in dust, and the feeling of “I’ve made it” has somehow vanished. And you start wondering: is that really all there is?

We’re used to thinking that success is something you can touch, show off to the neighbors, or post in your stories. A big salary, a fancy title, a house, business-class trips. And it really does matter—no one’s arguing with that. But why, then, do so many people who’ve achieved all of this quietly admit: “Something’s off. There’s an emptiness inside.”

The Trap of the Hedonic Treadmill

Psychologists noticed this strange pattern long ago. Back in the 1970s, researchers coined the concept known as the “hedonic treadmill” (or hedonic adaptation). It describes the human tendency to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes. It’s exactly what happens when we get used to the good things too fast.

A new car—wow. A month later—it’s just transportation. A promotion—euphoria. A couple of months later—you’re already stressing about the next level. Our brains are biologically wired to keep us moving forward, and external achievements give only a short, fleeting burst of dopamine. Once that chemical fades, your happiness level returns roughly to where it started.

In other words, we chase material things that promise eternal happiness but deliver only a temporary high. It’s like drinking salt water when you’re thirsty—the more you drink, the thirstier you get.

What Actually Creates Lasting Satisfaction?

So what does give that lasting sense of “I’m in the right place”? This is where Self-Determination Theory (SDT) by Richard Ryan and Edward Deci comes in—one of the most well-tested and scientifically validated concepts in modern psychology. It posits that for true, sustainable well-being, human beings have three fundamental psychological needs that must be met:

• Autonomy: The profound feeling that you are the author of your own life. It is the sense that you are choosing your own path, acting out of your own will, and not merely following someone else’s script or societal pressure.
• Competence: The sense that you are genuinely good at something. It isn’t just about being "the best," but feeling effective in your environment and experiencing mastery over tasks that matter to you.
• Relatedness: The most crucial element—the feeling that you matter to others, that you belong. It is the deep knowledge that you are loved and respected as a person, not just valued as a “successful professional” or an earner.

Notice a crucial detail here: none of these deep psychological needs are met by a new iPhone or another promotion. They are satisfied by entirely different, often quieter, actions. When you call a friend just because you thought of them. When you help a colleague navigate a tough problem even though it won’t affect your KPIs. When you tell your child “I’m proud of you” not for an A grade, but simply because they tried their best.

The Lesson from 85 Years of Data

The Harvard Study of Adult Development (The Grant Study), which has been running for over 85 years, is one of the longest longitudinal studies in the history of psychology. It followed hundreds of men from their teenage years all the way to old age. The results showed that the happiest people in old age weren’t the ones who had the most money, the highest IQs, or the most fame.

They were the ones who had warm, trusting relationships.

The data was undeniable: people who knew how to build connections and those who invested time and emotion in others lived longer, happier, and healthier lives. One participant, already in his 80s, summarized it perfectly: “I thought money and status were the most important things. But when my health started failing, I realized the only thing that matters is the people I loved and who loved me.”

The Modern Paradox

And here’s the paradox: we know this on an intuitive level. Yet every day we scroll through feeds where everyone shows off their new car, new job title, and new luxury trip. And automatically, we feel a little worse about ourselves. Social media has become a massive amplifier of social comparison—a mechanism that evolutionarily helped us survive in tribes by checking our status, but now quietly erodes our self-esteem in a digital world.

That’s why when someone asks, “What do you do?” we automatically start talking about work. We don't talk about what truly fills us up. We don't say that we’re learning to play guitar, that we planted tomatoes on the balcony, or that we spent half an hour reading a bedtime story to our son, forgetting about the phone for once.

Where to Go From Here

This doesn’t mean you should quit your job, sell your car, and become a monk. Not at all. Ambition is good. Money gives freedom, safety, and opportunities. It’s just worth pausing from time to time to ask yourself: what’s all this running for? You want to ensure that at the end of the road, you realize the most precious things weren’t what you accumulated, but the kind of person you were with people.

So the next time you’re tempted to buy something expensive “to feel better,” stop for a second. And think: what would truly warm you from the inside right now? Maybe it’s not a new bag, but a call to your mom. Not a premium subscription, but a walk with a friend. Not another work win, but a quiet thank-you to someone who supported you once.

Because someday, when all the external stuff fades into the background (and it will—life knows how to set priorities), only what you’ve invested in your inner garden will remain. And that garden will bloom far longer than any Rolex ever could.

References

• Brickman, P., & Campbell, D. T. (1971). Hedonic relativism and planning the good society. (This is the seminal work that introduced the concept of the "hedonic treadmill," explaining why humans return to a baseline of happiness regardless of external events).
• Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist. (The foundational paper outlining the three basic needs: Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness).
• Waldinger, R. J., & Schulz, M. S. (2010). What's love got to do with it? Social functioning, perceived health, and daily happiness in married octogenarians. Psychology and Aging. (Findings from the Harvard Grant Study highlighting the correlation between relationships and health/happiness).
• Vaillant, G. E. (2012). Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study. Harvard University Press. (A comprehensive overview of the 75+ year findings of the Grant Study).