When was the last time you said “yes” while every cell in your body was screaming “no”?

Maybe you covered someone’s shift. Lent money you couldn’t actually spare. Went to yet another gathering because refusing felt impossible. And then spent the whole night beating yourself up: why did I seriously do this again?

We all do it. And the worst part? We know exactly what we’re doing.

But saying “no” somehow feels more terrifying than spending the next month recovering from burnout.

So where does this fear come from?

Somewhere along the way — usually in childhood — we learned that having needs makes us bad.

• Good girls don’t say no.
• Good boys help everyone.
• Thinking about yourself first = selfish.
• If not everyone likes you, you’ve failed as a human.

So we swallowed our “no”s. We became the reliable one, the one who never lets anyone down. We trained the world that we’re always available — and we trained ourselves that our own limits don’t matter.

Psychologists call this people-pleasing (or sometimes the “disease to please”). It’s not a formal diagnosis, but it’s an incredibly accurate description of a pattern that starts early and runs on autopilot unless we deliberately interrupt it.

There is solid research behind how damaging this behavior is. Studies, such as those originating from the University of British Columbia on social perfectionism, have found that individuals with high people-pleasing tendencies suffer from significantly higher rates of anxiety, depression, and burnout.

Why? Because constantly overriding your own needs literally teaches your brain that you are less important. Your nervous system starts treating your own boundaries as a threat. In other words: we don’t just get tired. We devalue ourselves on a neurological level.

Here’s the part most people miss

When you finally say “no” and someone gets angry, guilt-trips you, or tells you that "you've changed" — that reaction isn’t proof you did something wrong.

It is proof they were benefiting from your lack of boundaries, and now their free ride is over.

Therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab puts it bluntly:

“People aren’t mad at you for setting boundaries. They’re mad they’re losing the privileges they had when you didn’t have any.”

This isn’t just theory. This is what happens every single day.

A Real Example (Shared with permission)

Let’s look at Olena, 34. She is the classic “soul of the company.” She is always the listener, the helper, the one who will drop everything. She is married, has two kids, works a full-time job, and her husband travels frequently.

One evening a friend asked her — again — to watch her kid “for just a couple of hours.” Olena had a fever and could barely stand. For the first time, she said, “I can’t tonight.”

The friend’s reply? “Wow, you’ve really changed. You never used to be like this.”

Olena cried for three days straight. Then she came to therapy and said: “I realized I didn’t change. I just put myself first for once. And it felt like the end of the world.”

Three months later, she learned to say no without writing essays of justification.

The result? The friend who threw the guilt trip disappeared. But Olena started sleeping again. Her marriage got warmer. She had the energy to actually be present with her kids instead of running on fumes.

So how do you start?

How do you begin when the inner voice still screams, “If I say no, I’m a terrible person”? Here is what actually moves the needle (tested on hundreds of clients):

• Start with the smallest possible “no.” Do not say “I’m so sorry, I wish I could but…” Just say, “No, I can’t this time.” Period.
• Get comfortable with silence. Most people will fill the awkward pause themselves — and often solve the problem without you.
• Ask yourself one question before answering any request: “If I truly respected myself right now, what would I do?” That single question cuts through 90% of the mental noise.
• Accept the filter effect. The people who leave when you stop being infinitely available? They were never really yours. The ones who stay and respect your “no” — those are your people.

And the biggest reframe of all: Boundaries are not walls.

They are doors with a lock — and you get to decide who has a key.

You’re not becoming cold. You’re becoming real.

By the way — I’m launching a 4-week guided challenge where we practice saying no calmly, clearly, and without the avalanche of guilt or over-explanation. Small group, daily micro-practices, and real results you can feel in weeks.

If you’re tired of being everyone’s backup plan except your own — DM me. Spots are limited because we keep it intimate and high-touch.

But even if you’re not ready for that yet — try one tiny, clean “no” this week.

Watch what happens.

You’re not selfish. You’re just done abandoning yourself to keep others comfortable.

And you are 100% allowed to stop.