You’ve probably heard Paulo Coelho’s haunting line: “One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to do the things you’ve always wanted to do.”

It usually shows up as a pretty background for an Instagram quote. But almost nobody talks about the brutal psychological truth hiding behind those words. We usually tell ourselves that we are holding back because we don't want to fail. But the data suggests something else entirely.

We’re not afraid of failure. We’re afraid of regret.

Why We Regret the Things We NEVER Did

Back in the 1990s, two American psychologists—Thomas Gilovich and Victoria Medvec—decided to dig into the architecture of human remorse. They wanted to find out what people regret most when they look back on their lives. They asked people of all ages to name their biggest burdens. The result was so clear-cut that researchers started calling it the “inaction effect.”

They discovered a fascinating split in how our brains process remorse based on the timeline:

• In the short term (a week or two): People mostly regret things they DID (Errors of Commission). This includes a dumb thing said at a job interview, a bad purchase, or a fight with someone.
• In the long term (years and decades): A staggering 84% of the strongest regrets are about things they DIDN’T do (Errors of Omission).

When you look back ten years from now, the pain won't come from the mistakes you made. It will come from the voids you left empty:

• You never took that trip.
• You never told that person you loved them.
• You never left the toxic job.
• You never started that project.
• You never signed up for those classes.
• You never called your parents while there was still time.

These “nevers” leave an open tab in your brain. It doesn’t hurt all the time, but every time you wake up at 3 a.m., it’s still there, draining your mental battery. And you start replaying versions of a life you can never test. That’s exactly the permanent “what if” imprint Coelho was talking about.

Why the Brain Punishes Inaction So Hard

This is where a cognitive mechanism called counterfactual thinking kicks in. Your brain is a simulation machine, constantly generating alternate realities: “What if I had…”

The psychology behind why inaction hurts more is actually quite logical:

• When you act and fail: The brain closes the file quickly. The sequence is: Tried it → It didn’t work → Lesson learned → Move on. You have concrete data to process.
• When you do nothing: The brain has no data. It can’t finish the story. So it keeps replaying the same movie over and over, trying to guess the ending.

And here is the trap: the longer you wait, the shinier and more perfect that imaginary “other you” becomes—the one who already did it. It literally wears you out. Research in psychoneuroendocrinology has shown that repetitive rumination—thinking “if only”—can sustain higher cortisol (stress hormone) levels, keeping your body in a state of fight-or-flight even when everything in your life looks fine on the surface.

The Psychology of Closure

Psychologists have long studied the power of "emotional closure." In various studies regarding expressive writing and closure, researchers have assigned participants tasks to confront their unfinished business, such as writing letters to estranged friends or ex-partners.

The results consistently show a massive divide between those who act and those who hesitate:

• The Hesitators: Participants who write a letter but are told not to send it often see their anxiety and regret scores increase over time. They brought the emotion to the surface but denied it an exit.
• The Doers: Participants who write and send the letter—regardless of the outcome—report a significant drop in emotional weight.

Even those who get a negative reply (or no reply at all) tend to report: “I feel lighter. That chapter is closed.”

Consider the man who finally wrote to an ex after eight years. She replied: “I’m married with two kids now, but thank you—I needed to hear that too.” He realized that it is better to know she’s married and happy than to spend eight years wondering if he ruined everything. Certainty, even if it's painful, is always easier for the human brain to process than uncertainty.

A Tiny Action Kills a Huge Fear

So, how do we break the paralysis? We use a concept from behavioral psychology often called the “5-minute start” rule or Behavioral Activation.

If you’re terrified of starting something big (a book, working out, a hard conversation, a business), promise yourself only five minutes. Just sit down and take the very first step. The brain is wired so that the hardest part is overcoming the initial friction of inertia.

Once you start, the Zeigarnik Effect kicks in. Named after psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik, this principle states that unfinished tasks bother us more than finished ones. Once you open the loop by starting, your brain feels a psychological urge to close it. You usually keep going not because you have "willpower," but because your brain wants resolution.

Data from goal-setting studies suggests that people who focus on process-based starts (just showing up) rather than outcome-based goals (finishing the task) have significantly higher completion rates over a six-month period.

What to Do Right Now (No, Seriously, Right Now)

Here’s the slightly weird plan I personally use when I catch myself procrastinating on something important. It leverages both the fear of regret and the need for a micro-step:

1. Grab a piece of paper and write one sentence—the thing you’ve been putting off the longest. Just one. No explanations, no “ifs.”
2. Under it write: “Worst-case scenario if I do it right now.”
3. Under that: “Worst-case scenario if I put it off for another year.”
4. Look at line 3. Feel how your stomach drops. That is your reality check.
5. Do the smallest possible action that moves the needle. Write the first sentence. Do one push-up. Send one message. Book the trial lesson.

You’re not committing to finishing everything immediately. You’re just refusing to let that “what if” become the main memory of your life.

The future you—the one looking back in 10 or 20 years—won’t ask how many times you failed. He will only ask one thing: “Why did I stop back then?”

Don’t give them an answer that will hurt to remember.

References

• Gilovich, T., & Medvec, V. H. (1995). "The experience of regret: What, when, and why." Psychological Review. (Establishes the difference between short-term action regret and long-term inaction regret).
• Zeigarnik, B. (1927). "Das Behalten erledigter und unerledigter Handlungen." Psychologische Forschung. (The foundational study on why the brain retains unfinished tasks).
• Wrosch, C., et al. (2007). "Regret and quality of life across the adult life span." Psychology and Aging. (Discusses the physiological impact of holding onto regret and its link to cortisol and stress).
• Roese, N. J. (1997). "Counterfactual thinking." Psychological Bulletin. (Explains the cognitive mechanism of "what if" scenarios).