Have you ever noticed that in the first few months of a relationship, the physical chemistry is off the charts, but a couple of years in, it’s not so easy to light each other up with just a glance? At the same time, some couples who’ve been together 10, 15, 20 years say their sex has become deeper, brighter, and more frequent than it was at the beginning. How does that even happen?

Most people think: “Well, they just got used to each other, the passion faded.” But in reality, it’s often the exact opposite: the passion didn’t fade; it simply moved from the body to the mind. And the more space real intimacy takes up in your head, the hotter things get in bed.

What we call “emotional connection” is actually a set of very specific psychological mechanisms.

Emotional Safety Lowers Anxiety and Opens the Body

When a person knows they won’t be judged, mocked, or rejected, the brain stops keeping its defenses up and switches from “survival mode” to “pleasure mode.” And that’s exactly the mode where it’s easier to get turned on and easier to orgasm. A 2017 study found that couples who experience high emotional safety have sex 30–40% more often and report 50% higher satisfaction from it (Muise et al.). This sense of safety is the fundamental precondition for arousal.

Open Conversations About Desires = A Mental Map of Your Partner’s Erogenous Zones

When you know for sure that your partner loves it when you slowly kiss the left side of her neck (not the right), and that she’s shy to ask for something specific, you’re no longer guessing—you just do it. And vice versa. It’s like playing a game where you’ve already been given all the cheats. In 2019, Canadian sex researchers Debra and Amy Muise surveyed 1,700 people in long-term relationships. Those who regularly talked about their fantasies and preferences rated their sex 1.5–2 points higher on a 10-point scale than those who expected the other to “just figure it out.” This communication is the key ingredient to sustained sexual novelty.

The Deeper You Know Someone, the More Points of Contact You Have

Physical attraction is about a body that ages. Emotional attraction is about personality, humor, values, vulnerability. And the more you’re in love with that, the more erogenous zones you have that aren’t on your skin but are triggered by voice, laughter, glances, or words. There’s even a term for it: “sexual contextual sensitivity”—when the very presence of THIS person, their scent, their jokes, their care turns you on more than any nude photo of a stranger ever could. This broadening of attraction creates sustained desire.

Real Numbers That Surprise People

A 2021 study found that in couples together for over 15 years, sexual desire for the partner is actually higher than in couples together less than 3 years—as long as emotional intimacy keeps growing (Frederick et al.). So passion doesn’t disappear; it just changes address. This counters the popular myth that desire inevitably fades with time.

John Gottman, who has studied couples for over 40 years, says that couples who can talk about sex without shame or defensiveness have an 80% lower risk of divorce. Because sex stops being “a problem” and becomes one more way to say, “I see you, I want you, I’m with you.” Sexual communication is a barometer of relational health.

What About Physical Attraction?

It doesn’t go anywhere. It just stops being the main engine. Think of a car: in the beginning, you’re running on a super-powerful “chemistry” engine. Five or ten years in, that engine isn’t as strong anymore, but now you’ve got a killer turbocharger—trust, shared memories, the ability to laugh in bed, knowing exactly where all each other’s buttons are. And the car ends up going faster than it did on day one. Emotional intimacy becomes the true power source.

What to Do So Sex Keeps Getting Better Over the Years

   
• Once a month, have a “sex interview”—20 minutes where you take turns saying what you loved last time, what you’d like to try, and what annoys you. No criticism, only “I” statements.
   
• Learn to say “I love it when…” instead of “You never…”. The brain hears that as an invitation, not an attack.
   
• Share not just desires, but fears too. “I’m afraid you’ll get bored of me,” “I’m shy about my belly after kids”—once it’s said out loud, it stops blocking arousal.
   
• Read something light about sex together (e.g., Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are—it’s written like a friend explaining everything over wine).

So the next time someone says “the spark went out in our relationship,” ask them: when was the last time you spent an hour just lying there telling each other what really turns you on?

Maybe the spark never went anywhere. It was just waiting for you to learn how to talk.

References

   
• Muise, A. et al. (2017). The positive implications of sex for relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
   
• Frederick, D. A. et al. (2021). Desire in long-term relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior.
   
• Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
   
• Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are.

And yes—tag in the comments the person you’ve been needing to have this conversation with for way too long.