In this article, I will explain how schema therapy, a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), can help couples who are struggling with chronic and repetitive conflicts in their relationship. Schema therapy is based on the idea that we all have certain core beliefs or schemas about ourselves, others, and the world, that are formed in early childhood and influence our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors throughout our lives. Some of these schemas are adaptive and helpful, while others are maladaptive and harmful. Maladaptive schemas can cause us to interpret situations in a distorted way, react emotionally and impulsively, and engage in behaviors that are self-defeating or damaging to our relationships.

One of the main goals of schema therapy is to help clients identify and modify their maladaptive schemas, and replace them with more realistic and healthy ones. This can improve their self-esteem, emotional regulation, and coping skills, as well as their interpersonal relationships. Schema therapy can be especially useful for couples who are stuck in a vicious cycle of conflict, where each partner triggers the other’s schemas, and they end up hurting each other and themselves.

Let me give you an example of how this cycle can look like. Suppose one partner has a schema of abandonment, which means that they fear being left alone or betrayed by their loved ones. This schema may have developed as a result of experiencing loss, rejection, or instability in their childhood. The other partner has a schema of enmeshment, which means that they feel dependent on their loved ones and cannot function without them. This schema may have developed as a result of having overprotective, controlling, or intrusive parents. These two schemas are complementary, meaning that they fit together like pieces of a puzzle, and attract each other in a relationship. However, they also create problems, because they make the partners overly sensitive and reactive to each other’s behaviors.

For instance, when the partner with the abandonment schema expresses their opinion on something, the partner with the enmeshment schema agrees, but adds a slight modification that seems important to them. The partner with the abandonment schema perceives this as a sign of disagreement or rejection, and starts to argue that their opinion is more valid, using metaphors and examples to support their point. The partner with the enmeshment schema feels attacked and misunderstood, and tries to defend their position, using evidence and logic to justify their view. The partner with the abandonment schema gets annoyed and frustrated, and accuses the other of being disrespectful and insensitive. The partner with the enmeshment schema feels scared and guilty, and attempts to prove that they were not disrespectful, and that they care about the other. The partner with the abandonment schema gets even more angry, and brings up past incidents where the other was disrespectful or hurtful. The partner with the enmeshment schema gets angry too, and criticizes the other for being vindictive and holding grudges. The partner with the abandonment schema feels unloved and rejected, and remembers other aspects of the relationship where they felt dissatisfied or unhappy. The partner with the enmeshment schema feels overwhelmed and hopeless, and tries to explain and apologize for each issue. The partner with the abandonment schema shuts down and cries, feeling hopeless and lonely. The partner with the enmeshment schema feels angry, resentful, and helpless, and goes out to drink with their friends, feeling the need to escape. The partner with the abandonment schema gets scared, and starts texting and calling the other, asking them to come back. The partner with the enmeshment schema tells them how angry and hurt they are, and says that they need some space and time. The partner with the abandonment schema feels desperate and panicky, and keeps calling and accusing the other of being heartless and cruel. The partner with the enmeshment schema realizes that things have gone too far, and feels guilty and sorry, and comes back. The partner with the abandonment schema continues to cry and blame the other for being cold and uncaring. The partner with the enmeshment schema feels tired and drained, and wants to forget about everything and relax, and turns on the TV. The partner with the abandonment schema feels exhausted and defeated, and goes to sleep. The partner with the enmeshment schema goes to sleep in the morning, feeling guilty and ashamed. The partner with the abandonment schema shows their displeasure and resentment by not talking to the other the next day. The partner with the enmeshment schema tries to make up and act as if nothing happened, and shows affection and humor. The partner with the abandonment schema feels anxious and insecure, and starts to discuss unresolved issues with the other. The partner with the enmeshment schema feels angry and annoyed, and starts to yell when the other implies that some of the issues are their fault. The partner with the abandonment schema feels hurt, disappointed, and angry, and recalls the previous conflict and merges it with the current one. A new cycle of conflict begins, following the same or a different pattern. And this sequence repeats itself over and over again.

As you can see, this cycle of conflict is driven by the interaction of the partners’ schemas, which make them misinterpret, overreact, and hurt each other. Each partner’s behavior triggers the other’s schema, which in turn triggers their own behavior, creating a feedback loop that is hard to break. Sometimes, the partners are not even aware that they are replaying scenarios from their childhood, where they learned to expect certain things from their caregivers, and to react in certain ways. This does not mean that they are repeating their parents’ behavior or destiny, although that can happen too. It means that, for example, when the partner with the abandonment schema expects unconditional love and acceptance from their partner, they hear, instead of their words, critical and punishing messages from their parents.

So, how can schema therapy help couples break this cycle of conflict? Schema therapy can help couples in three ways: 1) by helping them identify and understand their own and each other’s schemas, and how they affect their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors; 2) by helping them challenge and modify their schemas, and replace them with more realistic and healthy ones; and 3) by helping them learn and practice new ways of communicating and interacting with each other, that are more respectful, empathic, and constructive. By doing so, schema therapy can help couples reduce their negative emotions, increase their positive emotions, and improve their relationship satisfaction and quality. Schema therapy can also help couples prevent future conflicts, or deal with them more effectively, by using the skills and strategies they have learned. Schema therapy can be a powerful and effective tool for couples who want to improve their relationship and break the cycle of conflict.

Therefore, we recommend that the readers who recognize themselves or their partners in this article seek professional help from a schema therapist, or read more about schema therapy and how it can benefit them. Schema therapy can help the partners understand each other better, communicate more effectively, resolve their conflicts more constructively. Schema therapy can also help the partners heal their wounds from the past, and develop a stronger sense of self and autonomy. By breaking the cycle of schemas, the partners can enjoy a more fulfilling and harmonious relationship.