We are often told that to be loved by others, we must first love ourselves. It’s a phrase so common it has become a cliché. But what does it truly mean? For some, it suggests a radical acceptance, a permission slip to do whatever one desires. For others, it’s a relentless push for self-improvement. And for a few, the very idea of self-love borders on something contemptible. Let’s try to untangle why this seemingly simple concept is so profoundly difficult and explore how we can learn to practice it.

What Self-Love Is—And What It Is Not

Self-love has no single, universally accepted definition, which allows everyone to interpret it in their own way. Generally, however, it points toward a state of inner harmony and an acceptance of who you are, flaws and all. It is the desire to care for your own well-being and honor your needs. This is not only normal; it is necessary. Importantly, genuine self-love does not diminish our capacity to love and care for others.

This is where a crucial distinction must be made: self-love is not selfishness. These are fundamentally different concepts that have almost nothing in common. A selfish person is preoccupied with their own interests to the exclusion of everyone else. They see themselves not just as the center of their own life, but as the center of the world, demanding that others cater to their desires. An egoist is incapable of truly loving another because they believe they alone should be the object of all affection and admiration. They cannot appreciate the love others offer because they do not truly value anyone but themselves. In this sense, self-love is a creative, life-affirming feeling, while selfishness is inherently destructive.

The Origins of Our Inner Voice

Our relationship with ourselves begins, as most things do, in the family. It is in our earliest years that we learn the fundamentals of love and care, but the lessons our parents teach are not always positive. We like to believe parental love is unconditional—that a child is loved simply for existing. Unfortunately, the expression of that love can become twisted.

For many parents, criticism, condemnation, and psychological pressure are seen as misguided forms of care. Believing they are helping their child become "better," they punish and devalue them, thinking it is a manifestation of love. The primary duty of a parent is to protect, and this instinct can often overshadow all others. It is far easier to yell, punish, or restrict than to patiently explain. Many parents also fear that too much praise will raise a selfish or lazy child. As a result, they may take successes for granted while fixating on every shortcoming, justifying it with phrases like, "I'm only telling you this for your own good," or "Who else will tell you the truth?"

A child cannot distinguish between genuine care and abuse. They perceive everything a parent does as an expression of love, even physical violence. The young psyche rationalizes it, concluding, "I must have deserved this; they are just worried about me." This model of "love" is internalized. As adults, these individuals continue the cycle, criticizing and humiliating themselves for every mistake while remaining blind to their own achievements and merits.

When, however, parents provide healthy care—when they talk with their child, encourage initiative, and frame mistakes as learning opportunities—the child learns to treat themselves with that same love and care. It’s tempting to blame our parents for our adult complexes, but that approach keeps us stuck. The more productive path is to acknowledge these origins and begin the work of building a new relationship with ourselves.

Self-Esteem: The Bedrock of Self-Love

One of the greatest barriers to self-love is inadequate self-esteem. Ideally, our sense of self-worth should be built from the inside out, based on our own honest self-perception. A person with adequate self-esteem understands their strengths and weaknesses. They possess a level of self-awareness that allows them to work on their faults and improve their skills without their entire identity crumbling. This is the foundation upon which self-love is built.

Inadequate self-esteem, conversely, is outsourced. It depends entirely on the opinions of others. This makes it incredibly unstable, liable to shatter at the slightest criticism. When external opinions are mostly negative, a person internalizes them, believing they are what others say they are. Yet even if surrounded by praise, someone with unhealthy self-esteem cannot truly love themselves, because they don’t truly know themselves. Their identity is a reflection in the eyes of others, not a reality felt from within.

How to Begin the Practice of Self-Love

If your life lacks a person who provides you with love and a sense of security, you must learn to become that person for yourself. This starts with radical self-acceptance and learning the language of self-care. But how?

We all have parts of ourselves we like and parts we don’t. Too often, we ignore the positive and fixate on the negative. We berate ourselves for a single typo in an otherwise perfect report or obsess over one part of our body. To counteract this, try a simple exercise. Take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns: "What I like about myself" and "What I don't like." Then, for every trait listed, write down what it gives you. You might find that your "stubbornness" is also the source of your perseverance, which helps you see difficult projects through. Even laziness can be useful; it is your body’s signal that you need to rest.

Another powerful method is to keep a running list of your achievements. Keep it somewhere you can see it. In moments of self-doubt, look at the list and remind yourself of what you are capable of.

Here are a few more exercises to shift your inner dialogue:

• Write a letter to yourself. Thank yourself for your hard work, for the efforts you’ve made to get where you are today. Acknowledge your strengths, even seemingly small ones like having good taste in music. Tell yourself, in writing, that you love yourself. Don’t rush; treat yourself with the gratitude you would offer a dear friend, not with hatred. You may be surprised to see how much you do to survive and thrive.
• Imagine a loved one in your place. When you fail or make a mistake, what would you say to a close friend in the same situation? Most likely, you would offer support, compassion, and understanding. Why, then, do you treat yourself so differently? Remember that you are also a person deserving of that same grace, someone who gets tired and makes mistakes.
• Learn what care feels like. If you never had a healthy role model for self-care, you must teach yourself. Start by listening to your own desires. Ask yourself: "What do I really want right now?" Then, honor that desire. Think about how you show care to others—perhaps through gifts or special meals. Do the same for yourself. Buy yourself something you’ve wanted for a long time. Treat yourself to flowers or a nice dinner.

Finally, remember that development is a form of self-care. We all have interests, whether in literature, sports, or art. Pay attention to that inner curiosity and give yourself permission to explore it. Investing in yourself is one of the most profound acts of love there is. It is not a final destination you arrive at, but a daily practice of choosing compassion over criticism and understanding over judgment.

References

• Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.

  This book provides a comprehensive, research-backed look at the concept of self-compassion, which is a core component of self-love. Dr. Neff distinguishes self-compassion from self-esteem and outlines its three main components: self-kindness (treating yourself as you would a good friend), common humanity (recognizing that suffering and failure are part of the shared human experience), and mindfulness (observing negative thoughts without judgment). This directly supports the article’s advice to treat yourself as you would a loved one.

• Branden, N. (1994). The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. Bantam Books.

  A foundational text in the field, Branden's work details the practices essential for building and maintaining healthy self-esteem. He argues that self-esteem is "the immune system of consciousness," vital for a fulfilling life. The pillars—including the practices of living consciously, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, and living purposefully—directly relate to the article's discussion of how adequate self-esteem is the bedrock of self-love and requires internal work, not external validation. (See particularly Chapters 3-9 for detailed explanations of each pillar).

• Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.

  In this seminal work, humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers introduces the concept of "unconditional positive regard," which he deemed essential for a client's growth in therapy. This concept is highly relevant to the article's section on childhood development, as it explains how receiving conditional love (love that is dependent on behavior) can lead to a fragmented sense of self and an inability to practice self-acceptance. The healthy alternative described in the article mirrors Rogers' idea of unconditional acceptance as a necessary condition for psychological health.