There's a common story many people live through without even noticing it's a pattern: first, you meet someone kind, reliable, and ready to love you—yet you grow bored. Then, you fall for someone captivating and emotionally unavailable—only to end up heartbroken. The cycle repeats. One person is too stable, the next too distant. And still, no one feels quite right.

It’s easy to explain this away as bad luck or karma. But the truth cuts deeper, and it’s far more revealing than what fate has planned.

Let’s Stop Blaming Fate or “Energy”

The problem doesn’t lie in the stars or in some invisible force punishing you for leaving a kind partner. Neither Jesus, Allah, nor the universe orchestrated your heartbreak. When someone kind bores you and someone cold fascinates you, it’s not a sign to light candles on Thursdays or search for signs in horoscopes.

This is not about destiny—it’s about you. More specifically, your expectations, emotional standards, and the invisible bar you've set when it comes to love.

The Invisible Scale of Love and Power

In the first relationship, the kind one, the balance tilts toward comfort. You know you’re loved. You feel safe. But at some point, safety turns into emotional flatness. The other person’s openness and vulnerability start to feel like weakness. You might even pity them for how much they care.

In the second relationship, the balance tips the other way. You’re the one chasing, trying to be noticed, accepted, or chosen. It’s painful, often humiliating, but thrilling. You confuse the emotional spikes with depth. The person’s coldness leaves you hungry, and hunger feels like passion.

The Real Reason You’re Bored (and Then Broken)

The root isn’t how much attention someone gives you. That’s a surface-level explanation many pop psychologists like to repeat. Real manipulators know this well. They don’t just give and take attention—they create illusions. First, they smother you with admiration, then pull away. You're left desperate for more, hooked on what you thought was love.

It’s not about the amount of attention, but how your expectations were shaped long before the relationship even started. If you’ve lowered your standards emotionally—told yourself that “kind” is enough—you’ll naturally feel restless. But if you’ve raised your standards unrealistically, looking for someone who feeds your ego without ever needing something real from you, you’ll keep falling into painful attractions.

Why One Feels Too Little, and the Other Too Much

When you leave someone good, it’s often because your internal bar was lowered. You weren’t reaching for emotional growth—you were reaching for comfort. But when you enter a relationship where you’re the one constantly trying to prove your worth, your bar is too high, and your self-worth plummets. You confuse effort with meaning.

The result? Your self-esteem grows in the first scenario, but your ego is underfed. In the second, you feel intensity in your chest—but you shrink inside.

We All Know Someone Who Didn’t Play These Games

Look around. There’s always that couple—ordinary, steady, no drama. They married young or met through friends and stayed together. No one was chasing anyone. No one was trying to “win.” Their bar was adequate. They chose each other without overthinking who’s more attractive, interesting, or emotionally complex.

Meanwhile, people who constantly pursue excitement often end up chasing ghosts. They proudly mention the models they dated or the emotionally distant exes they almost “won over,” but they rarely talk about the ones who truly loved them.

When You Get the Love You Give

An adequate bar isn’t about settling. It’s about emotional reciprocity. When you give love and receive it in equal measure—respect, attention, vulnerability—then you're in the right place. Not higher, not lower.

If you constantly fall into extremes—either feeling superior and bored or inferior and obsessed—you’ll keep spinning in this cycle. The exit point lies in asking a brutally honest question: how many of those people who loved me are still with me? If the answer is none, maybe it’s time to rethink what you considered “available.”

Stop Romanticizing Emotional Imbalance

You’re not unlovable, nor are you cursed. But as long as you interpret emotional unavailability as something to aspire to, or believe that true love always includes suffering—you’ll keep finding yourself either alone or with someone who makes you feel invisible.

The real connection isn’t found in highs or lows—it’s in emotional symmetry. Where ego, affection, and self-respect can exist without the need for constant proving.

References

• Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark. — Discusses emotional bonding patterns and how secure attachment leads to balanced, lasting relationships. (See Chapter 4, pages 85–103)
• Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. TarcherPerigee. — Explains attachment styles and how they impact our relationships, particularly patterns of pursuing or avoiding intimacy. (Relevant material in Chapters 2 and 6)