We often see people who outwardly seem to have it all – status, success, and an ideal life, yet inwardly they struggle with unhappiness and anxiety. Perhaps you are one of them. Despite meeting all the conditions for happiness – a beautiful house, a stable job, a loving family – you still don’t feel fulfilled. Why is that? Is it possible that we’ve misunderstood what really makes us happy?

A study conducted a few years ago by the German Socio-Economic Panel (SOEP) at the German Institute for Economic Research caught my attention. The study found that although people’s material well-being has increased, their happiness has decreased significantly. They have new cars, bigger houses, higher education, and seemingly everything they need. Yet, they feel emptier than ever. What’s going wrong? Is it because we are greedy, or is there a deeper psychological explanation?

Happiness Isn’t in Objects – It’s in How We Feel About Them

The key takeaway from this study is that happiness isn’t found in the things we own, but in the emotions we attach to those things. We often see people feeling nostalgic for the past, for simpler times. For example, many people reminisce about life during the Soviet Union, when, despite the lack of modern conveniences like dishwashers, smartphones, and air conditioning, people felt genuinely happy. It wasn’t the lack of technology that made them happy, but their sense of purpose, community, and the belief that they were part of something greater.

Fast forward to today: many people have smartphones, air-conditioned cars, and smart TVs, yet they no longer feel successful. Why? Because the things that once held meaning now feel commonplace. They have everything society told them would bring happiness, but the internal sense of satisfaction is still missing. This is because their sense of success was never truly internalized – it was based on external expectations and societal approval.

The Destructive Path to Happiness: Chasing External Validation

Many people find themselves on a destructive path to happiness, where they live according to the expectations of others. They pursue things because they “should” – a prestigious job, a fancy car, or a marriage because society says that’s what normal people do. They are constantly chasing what others expect from them, but in the process, they lose touch with their own desires and needs.

This external validation is often tied to status and conformity. A person might buy an expensive car to show that they’ve “made it”, only to realize that the car doesn’t bring lasting happiness. Similarly, a person might work in a high-paying job simply because it’s prestigious, only to find themselves unhappy because they don’t enjoy the work.

The problem with this approach is that it’s not based on personal fulfillment; it’s based on comparison and the desire to conform to an ideal that may not even align with their true values. Eventually, they find themselves overwhelmed by debt, unfulfilling relationships, and a life that feels empty despite all the material success they’ve accumulated. This can lead to further issues like anxiety, depression, or a persistent sense of emptiness.

The Constructive Path to Happiness: Finding Internal Fulfillment

On the other hand, those who take the constructive path to happiness focus on self-esteem and self-acceptance. They understand that true happiness comes from within. They pursue what makes them feel fulfilled, not because it’s expected by society, but because it aligns with their values and desires.

For example, they might choose a job they enjoy, not because it’s prestigious but because it gives them a sense of purpose and utilizes their intrinsic motivation. They might be perfectly content driving an older car, not feeling the need to constantly upgrade to the latest model. They marry someone because they genuinely love and feel safe with that person, not because it’s “the right thing to do” according to societal standards.

The key to the constructive path is to get rid of everything unnecessary, to focus only on what truly matters. In essence, it’s about simplifying life and cutting out distractions that don’t serve your true purpose. But how do we identify what truly matters? It requires introspection, self-reflection, and honest evaluation of your values and priorities. By focusing on internal satisfaction rather than external validation, you are able to build a life that aligns with your authentic self.

The Trap of “Should” and “Must”

A destructive model of happiness is driven by the constant need to “should” and “must” – the belief that you must meet certain expectations to be considered successful. This mentality leads to living a life of compliance rather than fulfillment. “I must have a career,” “I should be married by this age,” “I have to own a house to be successful.”

These societal pressures create a constant sense of inadequacy because no matter how much you achieve, it never feels like enough. People often find themselves stuck in relationships or jobs they don’t enjoy, simply because they feel obligated to meet these external expectations. Over time, this builds up resentment, disappointment, and ultimately unhappiness.

How to Break Free from the Cycle of Disappointment

One of the first steps to breaking free from this destructive cycle is to recognize when you’re living based on “shoulds” and “musts.” Challenge yourself to ask why you want something and whether it’s truly aligned with your goals. If it’s something you’re doing for others or out of fear of judgment, it’s time to reassess.

Take responsibility for your happiness. Stop blaming others for your dissatisfaction. Understand that life is not a race or a competition; it’s a journey, and the only person you need to compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday. Your happiness doesn’t depend on meeting external expectations; it depends on creating a life that feels authentic and meaningful to you.

The Role of Responsibility in Happiness

Ultimately, happiness comes from taking responsibility for your own life. When you take ownership of your choices and actions, you begin to see the world differently. You stop being a passive observer of your life and start actively shaping it.

This requires a shift in mindset – instead of focusing on what others expect of you, focus on what makes you happy. Start by identifying the areas in your life where you feel unfulfilled and take small steps toward change. Whether it’s starting a new hobby, changing jobs, or improving your relationships, taking responsibility for your happiness gives you the power to transform your life.

Conclusion: Moving Toward True Fulfillment

Happiness isn’t about meeting societal expectations or accumulating material possessions. It’s about finding fulfillment from within. The destructive path to happiness is based on conformity and external validation, while the constructive path is based on self-acceptance and living authentically.

By focusing on what truly matters and taking responsibility for your own happiness, you can create a life that brings you joy and fulfillment. Stop waiting for the perfect moment or for society’s approval. Take charge of your life, and you’ll find that happiness follows.