Withholding is a form of passive aggression where a partner deliberately avoids dialogue, evades providing clear answers, or remains silent, ultimately devaluing or disregarding the feelings of the other person. By doing so, the individual refuses to allow their partner the opportunity to clarify a situation or make informed decisions. This action creates uncertainty in the relationship, often resulting in frustration, unresolved conflicts, and emotional distress. It indicates the deliberate suppression of communication.

The danger of withholding is that it traps the partner in a state of ambiguity. The psyche becomes stuck on an unresolved issue or conflict, unable to proceed because the problem hasn't been properly addressed. This leads to emotional stagnation and growing dissatisfaction. Over time, these unresolved feelings can accumulate, causing significant emotional strain. Minor disagreements may then spiral out of control, with the underlying problem remaining unresolved.

Why Do People Use Withholding?

Withholding typically stems from two distinct psychological patterns:

• Low Emotional Intelligence: People with low emotional intelligence struggle to recognize and respond appropriately to their own emotions and those of their partner. They may interpret their partner's frustration or anger as an attack and, as a result, retreat into silence or avoidance. This is often a defensive reaction, where the person lacks the tools to engage in constructive communication. For instance, a woman may express frustration over her partner’s failure to clean up after himself, and rather than acknowledging her feelings and working toward a solution, he may withdraw, avoid the conversation, or deflect the issue.
• Narcissistic Personality Traits: In contrast, individuals with narcissistic tendencies understand their partner’s emotions but choose to disregard them. Their focus is entirely on their own feelings and needs, and they may feel no obligation to engage in open communication. They view their partner's concerns as irrelevant or secondary to their own desires. In this case, withholding becomes a tool of emotional manipulation, used to maintain control over the relationship dynamics.

The Impact of Withholding: A Loss of Meaning in Communication

Withholding often results in a loss of meaning in the relationship. The partner who is being ignored feels trapped in a cycle of uncertainty, unable to resolve the issue or even to understand the cause of the silence. They might become confused, anxious, and frustrated by their partner’s refusal to engage, leading to a breakdown in communication. This ongoing emotional neglect chips away at trust and causes the partner to feel dismissed and undervalued.

Over time, what may have started as a minor issue, such as an unmet expectation or a simple disagreement, can escalate into deeper resentment. The lack of closure or clear communication only fuels the emotional divide. The partner who is being ignored is left with unresolved emotions that affect their sense of self-worth, while the individual practicing withholding fails to realize the damage their avoidance is causing.

Withholding as Emotional Neglect

Withholding is a form of emotional neglect. When a partner actively avoids conversations or suppresses emotions, they fail to provide the emotional support and validation necessary for the relationship to thrive. This dynamic often occurs in relationships where one partner is unwilling to acknowledge the other's needs or emotions.

A healthy relationship relies on mutual respect, empathy, and communication. Without these elements, emotional needs go unmet, leading to feelings of isolation and emotional disconnect. Withholding creates an environment where issues are ignored rather than addressed, leaving the partner feeling unheard and undervalued.

How to Respond to Withholding

In relationships with healthy self-esteem, individuals recognize the importance of open communication. When faced with withholding, they will express their feelings without aggression or blame, while also acknowledging their partner’s emotional state. Instead of demanding an explanation or criticizing their partner’s silence, they might say, “I understand that you might not be ready to talk right now, but it’s important to me that we discuss this issue when you feel able.”

For someone with low self-esteem, however, this behavior can be more difficult to manage. They may internalize their partner’s silence, interpreting it as a sign of personal inadequacy or unworthiness. In these cases, it’s crucial to understand that the problem lies with the partner’s inability to communicate effectively, not with their own value.

For those in relationships where withholding is a recurring issue, it is important to establish clear boundaries. Healthy relationships require open, honest communication, and both partners need to be willing to engage in difficult conversations. If withholding persists, it may be necessary to consider whether the relationship can truly fulfill both partners’ emotional needs.

How to Break the Cycle of Withholding

If you find yourself in a relationship where withholding is a frequent issue, here are some strategies to address the problem:

• Communicate Clearly: Express your feelings calmly and respectfully. Avoid blaming or criticizing your partner, and focus on how their actions affect you. Let them know that open communication is essential for the relationship to grow and thrive.
• Set Boundaries: Make it clear that silence and avoidance are not acceptable forms of communication. If your partner consistently refuses to engage, you may need to consider whether this relationship is meeting your emotional needs.
• Seek Professional Help: In cases where withholding is rooted in deeper emotional issues, such as low emotional intelligence or narcissistic traits, couples counseling or individual therapy can help. A therapist can provide tools to improve communication and resolve underlying issues.
• Prioritize Emotional Health: If your partner is unwilling to change or engage in open dialogue, you may need to reassess the relationship. Continuing to accept withholding without addressing it will only lead to further emotional harm.

Conclusion: Moving Beyond Withholding in Relationships

Withholding is a destructive form of passive aggression that undermines trust, emotional intimacy, and effective communication in relationships. While it often stems from emotional immaturity or narcissistic tendencies, the impact it has on the partner being ignored can be profound. By recognizing withholding and taking steps to address it, both partners can create a healthier dynamic based on mutual respect, understanding, and open communication.

Healthy relationships require both individuals to engage in dialogue, share their emotions, and work through conflicts together. If withholding is present, it’s crucial to confront it head-on and establish the foundation for better communication and emotional support.