From a young age, many of us develop idealized visions of our perfect soulmate—someone who effortlessly completes us, seamlessly shares our dreams, and helps us create a picture-perfect life. We imagine a relationship overflowing with constant love, unwavering respect, and effortless mutual understanding, often idealizing this vision to an unrealistic degree. We may even convince ourselves that we would never settle for anything less than this idealized partner, hoping to live out a real-life fairy tale. However, reality often has a way of shattering these carefully constructed fantasies. Over time, we come to realize that either we ourselves are incapable of consistently living up to these unrealistic ideals, or we’ve experienced a series of disappointing or unhealthy relationships with our partners. Sometimes, these experiences lead us to question whether the concept of lasting, fulfilling love is even a realistic possibility.

However, instead of confronting this challenging reality and engaging in self-reflection, many people choose to remain entrenched in their idealized fantasies. They may attempt to “fix” their partner, blaming external circumstances or the world at large for their relationship dissatisfaction. They might resort to sweeping generalizations, saying things like, “There are no good women out there anymore,” or “All men are too immature and controlling.” This type of thinking can be profoundly harmful, as it blinds us to the underlying truths about ourselves and our relationships, preventing us from addressing the deeper, more complex issues that contribute to relationship problems.

The Dangers of Suppressed Boundaries in Relationships

One of the most concerning things to observe in a relationship is when one partner describes their spouse as “so good” or “so obedient,” always readily complying with the other’s commands. While this might initially sound like a compliment or a testament to a harmonious relationship, it often signifies a much deeper, more troubling issue—suppressed personal boundaries. When one partner consistently yields to the other’s desires and demands, it often indicates that they are suppressing their own needs, desires, opinions, and even their own sense of self for fear of rejection, conflict, or negative repercussions. This unhealthy dynamic can stem from various underlying issues, including insecure attachment styles (such as anxious-preoccupied or avoidant attachment, which can lead to difficulties setting and maintaining healthy boundaries) or a significant power imbalance within the relationship where one partner exerts excessive control over the other. People often rationalize this behavior by mistakenly believing that constant submission is a demonstration of love, respect, or devotion. However, mentally and emotionally healthy individuals understand that truly fulfilling relationships should be built on a foundation of equality, mutual respect, and open communication. Each partner brings their own unique personality, beliefs, values, and opinions to the relationship, and a strong, healthy relationship is characterized by compromise, negotiation, and mutual understanding—not by one person consistently giving in or sacrificing their own well-being to appease the other. Eventually, when one partner consistently sacrifices their own needs, desires, and even their sense of self to please the other, it creates an extremely unhealthy and unsustainable dynamic. Over time, the sacrificing partner may develop deep-seated resentment, experience a loss of self-esteem, or ultimately seek a way to escape the relationship entirely.

The Danger of Seeking Completion Through a Partner

A common pitfall in relationships is entering them with the expectation that the partner will fill some pre-existing emotional void—whether it’s loneliness, deep-seated insecurity, a need for constant validation, or a lack of self-worth. This psychological concept is known as compensation, where individuals seek to make up for perceived deficiencies in themselves by finding someone else to provide what they feel they lack. People might think, “If I can just find the right partner, they’ll magically make me feel complete, whole, and worthy.” However, this expectation places an unfair burden on the partner and sets the relationship up for failure. What happens when the partner inevitably fails to live up to these unrealistic and often unspoken expectations? Over time, the person seeking completion becomes increasingly frustrated, disappointed, and resentful, and the relationship inevitably suffers as a result. Expecting your partner to provide everything you need—from financial stability and social status to constant emotional support, validation, and even personal growth—is fundamentally unrealistic and unfair. The truth is that no single person can possibly fulfill all of your needs, nor should they be expected to. A healthy relationship should not be about finding someone to “fix” your problems, make you feel whole, or provide constant external validation. Instead, healthy and fulfilling relationships are built on a foundation of mutual support, genuine understanding, reciprocal respect, and shared goals. When you enter a relationship expecting someone else to solve all your internal issues or provide you with a sense of self-worth, you are setting both yourself and your partner up for disappointment and potential heartbreak.

The Myth of “Unconditional Love” and the Need for Respect

Another prevalent but often misunderstood belief is that true love means loving someone unconditionally, regardless of their behavior or how they change over time. While love in a healthy relationship should certainly be characterized by acceptance, forgiveness, and unwavering support, it doesn’t mean that a partner should be obligated to accept all behaviors, tolerate abuse or disrespect, or perpetually sacrifice their own needs, boundaries, and well-being. This distorted idea of unconditional love often leads people to believe that their partner is obligated to stay by their side no matter what, even if the relationship becomes toxic, abusive, or if they no longer meet the other person’s needs or if they are no longer happy or fulfilled in the relationship. For instance, as people age, experience life changes, or undergo personal growth, their interests, values, and even their personalities may naturally evolve. If the love in the relationship was based solely on an idealized version of one another—a static image that doesn’t account for personal growth and change—those natural evolutions can lead to emotional disconnection, resentment, and ultimately, the breakdown of the relationship. Healthy relationships are characterized by growth and change alongside each other, adapting to the shifts and evolutions that each partner experiences. They should not remain stagnant or confined by the illusion that true love means never changing, growing apart, or evolving as individuals.

The Reality of Compatibility in Relationships

You might have heard the common saying that “opposites attract,” but while initial attraction can sometimes occur between individuals with differing personalities, values, or interests, the reality is that compatibility plays a crucial role in determining whether a relationship thrives or ultimately fails in the long term. Fundamental aspects such as personality types, core values, life goals, habits, communication styles, and past life experiences all significantly affect how well two people “mesh” or function together as a couple. When these core elements clash significantly, even the best intentions, the most sincere efforts, and the deepest feelings of love can lead to constant frustration, persistent misunderstandings, and ongoing conflict. It’s like trying to fit mismatched gears into a complex engine. Even if both pieces appear to be well-made and functional on their own, they simply might not be designed to work together effectively. When two people’s core values, fundamental beliefs, or ingrained habits clash significantly, it’s often only a matter of time before friction, resentment, and conflict arise. No amount of effort, compromise, or even love can force incompatible parts to function together in true harmony without causing long-term damage to the relationship.

Changing Partners or Changing Yourself?

The desire to “change” a partner is often a significant contributing factor in many failed relationships. People enter relationships with the unspoken expectation that, with enough love, patience, or effort, they can gradually transform their partner into the person they envision—whether it’s helping them overcome perceived “bad” habits, altering certain personality traits, changing their behaviors, or adapting to specific standards or expectations. However, this desire to “fix” or fundamentally change someone is not only unrealistic but also inherently disrespectful and can lead to significant disappointment, resentment, and emotional strain for both partners. It’s crucial to recognize and accept that personal growth and change are individual journeys that each person must undertake for themselves. While supporting each other’s growth, providing encouragement, and offering constructive feedback are essential components of any healthy relationship, expecting one person to fundamentally change their core personality or values for the other is both unfair and emotionally draining. It’s important to accept your partner for who they are, while simultaneously supporting their personal growth in a way that respects their autonomy and individuality.

Expectations and Disappointments in Relationships

Unrealistic expectations can create significant emotional strain, disappointment, and conflict within relationships. These expectations often remain unspoken, leading to misunderstandings and resentment. For example, thinking that your partner should always instinctively know what you want or need, or believing that they should never change or evolve as a person, is setting yourself and your relationship up for frustration and disappointment. Effective communication is absolutely essential in any healthy relationship, and partners need to communicate openly, honestly, and respectfully about their desires, needs, boundaries, and expectations. When couples fail to communicate effectively or assume that their partner should just “know” what they’re thinking or feeling, resentment inevitably builds, emotional distance increases, and the relationship suffers as a result. Expecting perfection in a partner is another common pitfall that can lead to chronic feelings of dissatisfaction. Instead of focusing on your partner’s perceived flaws or shortcomings, it’s far more productive and beneficial to focus on the mutual responsibility that each partner has in maintaining a