In relationships, expectations often go unspoken. They’re the unacknowledged rules, the silent demands, the things that partners are expected to do simply because they’re part of a certain social role. We might not have agreed to them explicitly, but somehow, they feel like obligations. And when they’re not met? The result is often frustration, resentment, and accusations. This can escalate to emotional manipulation and even subtle forms of violence. Let’s explore what happens when these unrealistic expectations take over, how they manifest, and why it’s so important to recognize them.

What Are Expectations in a Relationship?

Expectations are essentially the unwritten rules that we subconsciously impose on our partners. These rules aren’t part of a written contract; they aren’t agreed upon in a formal conversation, but they exist, and they can carry a lot of weight. When a person doesn’t meet these expectations, the consequences can feel like a violation. You might be accused of betrayal, abandonment, or of being unfaithful—not because you’ve actually done anything wrong, but because your partner’s expectations haven’t been met.

The Pressure to Conform and Asserting Boundaries

Furthermore, when we attempt to assert our own boundaries, we may face insults and accusations of failing to meet these unspoken expectations. Derogatory comments like "You're not a man" or "You're not a proper woman" might be used to pressure us into conforming. This kind of emotional manipulation can severely damage the relationship.

How Does This Manipulation Manifest?

This pattern of manipulation rarely occurs suddenly. It often begins with small, almost imperceptible demands. If your behavior doesn't conform to your partner's unspoken expectations, they may attempt to mold you into a different person. Sometimes, a partner might voice their concerns by sharing their feelings honestly—"I wish you could spend more time with me"—and if the other person values the relationship, they might adjust their behavior to accommodate the request. But when expectations go beyond the reasonable, the situation shifts.

Unreasonable Demands and Emotional Blackmail

Some partners may refuse to recognize when their demands are unreasonable. They might feel entitled to your time, attention, or resources, and when they don’t get it, they resort to manipulation. One common tactic is emotional blackmail. A partner might say something like, "If you don’t do this, I won’t be intimate with you for a week," using emotional leverage to force compliance. This is not about love; it's about control.

The Power of Guilt and Manipulation

A key manipulative tactic is the use of guilt and pity to pressure someone into meeting these expectations. It’s common for one partner to try to elicit sympathy, often by exaggerating their problems. Imagine a situation where a husband enjoys a weekend hobby, like fishing, but his wife doesn’t like it. Instead of communicating her discomfort openly, she might feign illness—"How can you leave me alone when I’m sick? What if something happens to me?" Over time, this strategy can make the partner feel so guilty that they abandon their own needs to care for the other person.

Creating Obligation and Dependence

Another subtle manipulative tactic involves creating a sense of obligation in the other partner. One partner might consistently do things for the other, not out of genuine care, but to foster a feeling of indebtedness. This is a form of manipulation, where one partner spends resources (time, effort, or money) to make the other feel like they owe them. This can eventually lead to resentment, as one person feels like they are always giving without receiving anything in return. In healthy relationships, boundaries should be respected. It’s important to help and support your partner, but doing things because you’re expected to—or because your partner will make you feel guilty if you don’t—creates unhealthy dynamics. No one should feel like they’re paying off a debt for acts of kindness.

Shifting Responsibility and Avoiding Accountability

This manipulative dynamic often involves shifting responsibility for one's own actions or desires onto the other partner. In relationships, there are personal responsibilities (things that belong solely to one person) and mutual responsibilities (things that both partners have agreed to share). However, one partner might try to make their personal desires the other partner's responsibility. For example, if one person wants a luxury vacation, they might expect the other person to bear the financial burden without any prior discussion or agreement. This can lead to one partner feeling like they have to carry all the weight, while the other simply enjoys the benefits. It’s a classic example of "childish behavior" in relationships, where one partner expects the other to take care of everything. In these situations, the expectations are grounded in outdated societal roles. For example, the belief that the man should always provide and protect, regardless of the circumstances. This can quickly lead to frustration and feelings of injustice, because it puts one partner in the position of constant sacrifice.

Establishing Dominance and Control

One of the most damaging manifestations of this dynamic occurs when one partner attempts to establish dominance and control over the other. This behavior is often rooted in deeper emotional issues, such as low self-esteem or a need for power and validation. These individuals might use their partner as a way to bolster their own fragile sense of self-worth. They will try to control every aspect of the relationship—what their partner wears, what they say, where they go—until the other person feels like they’re living under a microscope.

Societal Expectations and Their Influence on Relationships

On a broader societal level, these relationship dynamics reflect the pressures and expectations placed on individuals based on social roles and norms. These societal expectations can then influence the unspoken expectations within intimate relationships. In relationships, when we fail to recognize that our partner is also an independent individual, we can end up imposing these societal expectations on them. This can lead to a situation where both partners feel frustrated and unfulfilled. It’s important to realize that love is about mutual respect, not control. When we start viewing our partners as complete people with their own needs and desires—not just as extensions of ourselves—relationships become much healthier.

Conclusion: Recognizing and Breaking Free from Unrealistic Expectations and Manipulation

These manipulative dynamics can destroy relationships from within. When we place unrealistic expectations on our partners—expectations that are often rooted in old social roles, guilt, or the need for control—we set the stage for emotional manipulation and resentment. The first step in breaking free from this toxic pattern is awareness. Recognize when you’re imposing these demands on your partner and work together to create an environment based on mutual respect and understanding. By acknowledging these patterns, you can begin to reshape the relationship and create a healthier, more balanced dynamic, where both partners feel respected, valued, and loved—not for what they are expected to do, but for who they truly are. In a healthy relationship, there’s no place for manipulation, guilt, or unspoken obligations.