Jealousy is a complex and often misunderstood emotion. In some circles, it’s seen as a sign of true love, while in others, it's considered a weakness or an insecurity. But what’s the truth? Is jealousy a normal part of love, or does it indicate deeper issues? Family therapist Natalia Tverdokhleb weighs in on how to understand and manage jealousy in relationships, helping us navigate this challenging emotion in a healthy way.

What Is Jealousy?

Jealousy is an intense emotion that can stir up a mix of feelings, including anger, fear, anxiety, and even despair. It can arise not only in romantic relationships but also in friendships, family dynamics, and even at work. When we’re jealous of our partner, it might be because they’re paying attention to someone else, or perhaps because they’re spending too much time on their hobbies or career. In some cases, jealousy can even arise from something seemingly insignificant, like the amount of time spent on their phone or computer.

At its core, jealousy stems from a fear of losing something important to us — whether it’s a person, a relationship, or our partner’s attention. It can often signal self-doubt, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy. Despite its negative connotations, jealousy is a natural human emotion that everyone experiences at some point.

What Causes Jealousy?

While low self-esteem is one of the most common causes of jealousy, it’s not the only factor. Individuals with lower self-worth are more prone to feelings of jealousy because they worry about losing out to others in various aspects of life. However, jealousy can also stem from experiences earlier in life, particularly in childhood.

For example, children go through a natural phase where they feel jealous of their same-sex parent. This is known as the Oedipus complex in boys and the Electra complex in girls. While this is a normal developmental phase, the intensity of these emotions can resurface in adulthood if they were never fully processed or resolved.

The Impact of Early Relationships on Jealousy

Our early relationships, especially with our parents, play a significant role in shaping how we experience jealousy later in life. If a child grows up feeling neglected, rejected, or abandoned by their parents, this can create a deep-rooted fear of being left behind in future relationships. The fear of abandonment may manifest as jealousy, especially when a person feels they are not receiving enough attention or affection from their partner.

For those who have experienced betrayal in past romantic relationships, such as infidelity, jealousy can also become more pronounced. Even if the relationship has survived, the trauma of being cheated on can create an "attachment wound" that manifests in future relationships. This wound might resurface in the form of constant worry or mistrust toward a new partner.

The Myths About Jealousy

Many people believe that jealousy should be avoided at all costs, but is this really realistic? The desire to eliminate jealousy comes from the discomfort of feeling vulnerable and out of control. However, suppressing or denying jealousy often doesn’t lead to resolution. Instead, acknowledging the feeling is the first step toward understanding it.

Another common myth is that jealousy is a sign of true love. While it’s true that jealousy can be connected to deep emotional attachment, it’s important to recognize that it’s not a healthy or sustainable way to measure love. In a healthy relationship, trust is key. When jealousy becomes a frequent, unexplained emotion, it may indicate issues of insecurity or unresolved past trauma, rather than genuine love.

When Jealousy Becomes a Problem

Jealousy is typically not a problem in and of itself, but when it becomes frequent and overwhelming, it can start to damage relationships. Excessive jealousy can lead to mistrust, communication breakdowns, and even controlling behavior, which can eventually harm the partnership.

In some cases, jealousy may even evolve into delusional jealousy, a more extreme form of the emotion. This condition involves irrational, persistent jealousy despite a lack of evidence, often accompanied by obsessive behaviors like spying, tracking, or constant accusations. This kind of jealousy can be damaging not only to the relationship but also to the individual’s mental health. If delusional jealousy persists, it’s important to seek professional help, as this is often linked to deeper psychological issues such as anxiety, depression, or personality disorders.

What to Do When You Feel Jealous

First, it’s important to acknowledge your feelings of jealousy. Don’t dismiss them or beat yourself up for experiencing them. It’s natural to feel vulnerable when you care deeply for someone, and jealousy often comes from a place of wanting to protect that connection. Rather than trying to suppress your feelings, recognize them and reflect on where they’re coming from.

When experiencing jealousy, take a step back before reacting. It’s easy to fall into a cycle of accusations and emotional outbursts, but reacting in the heat of the moment rarely leads to productive communication. Instead, give yourself time to process the emotions, then talk to your partner calmly about what’s bothering you. Share your feelings of insecurity or fear, but avoid blaming your partner. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel afraid that I’m not as important to you as other things in your life” rather than pointing fingers or accusing them.

What to Do If Your Partner is Jealous

If your partner is the one experiencing jealousy, it’s important to approach the situation with compassion and understanding. Recognize that their feelings are rooted in fear and insecurity, and acknowledge the emotional impact that their jealousy may be having on the relationship. Encourage an open dialogue where both partners can express their feelings, listen to each other, and work together to build trust.

In some cases, jealousy may stem from issues within the relationship, such as emotional neglect or a lack of connection. If this is the case, it may be necessary to have a deeper conversation about needs, boundaries, and expectations.

When to Seek Help

If jealousy is causing significant distress in the relationship and cannot be resolved through communication alone, it might be time to seek professional help. A therapist can help both partners explore the root causes of jealousy, improve communication, and develop healthier ways of dealing with difficult emotions.