Do you still remember that moment in school when everyone laughed because you made a mistake on the blackboard? That sudden heat in your face, the urge to disappear—that’s shame, an emotion that clings to us long after the moment has passed. It makes us feel small, unworthy, and ridiculous. Yet, like all emotions, shame has its purpose. By understanding it and learning how to manage it, we can prevent it from controlling our lives.

What Exactly Is Shame?

Shame is often described as a mix of embarrassment, guilt, and helplessness. Psychologically, it occurs when we feel we’ve done something wrong or fallen short of an expectation—whether that expectation is ours or someone else’s. American psychologist Carroll Izard points out that shame can paralyze our logical thinking, leaving us frustrated and stuck. You know that moment when you think of the perfect comeback hours after an argument? That’s shame at work, freezing you in the moment and stealing your clarity.

What makes shame unique is how deeply personal it feels. Unlike guilt, which is tied to a specific action (“I did something bad”), shame is about who we are as individuals (“I am bad”). It doesn’t just critique what we do—it attacks our entire identity.

How Shame Develops: From Childhood to Adulthood

Shame doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s rooted in our experiences, often dating back to childhood. When we’re young, parents, teachers, and peers shape our understanding of what is “right” or “wrong.” For instance, if a teacher once mocked your presentation in class, you might carry a fear of public speaking for years, scolding yourself for sounding “ridiculous.” Over time, shame becomes internalized. We no longer need someone to point out our flaws because our inner critic does it for us.

French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre described shame as an emotion tied to the gaze of others. Even when we’re alone, we imagine others watching, judging, and disapproving of us. The result? We live under the shadow of expectations and self-judgment, afraid of making even the smallest mistakes.

Can Shame Be Useful?

As uncomfortable as it is, shame isn’t entirely negative. When experienced in moderation, it serves an important role:

1. It reinforces social norms. Dutch biologist Frans de Waal suggests that shame signals to others that we recognize when we’ve crossed a line. Blushing, for example, shows remorse and can help repair relationships.

2. It pushes us toward self-improvement. British psychologist Paul Gilbert explored the concept of internal shame—the kind we feel toward ourselves. While painful, this form of shame can highlight areas where we want to grow and align our actions with our values.

3. It challenges societal norms. Sometimes, shame arises not because we’ve done something wrong but because we’ve defied someone else’s expectations. Imagine wanting to share a personal photo but fearing judgment. Asking yourself, “Why should I feel ashamed?” can spark valuable reflection and help you break free from outdated norms.

The Harmful Side of Shame

When shame becomes overwhelming or prolonged, it can have serious consequences. Researchers have linked chronic shame to depression, irritability, and a tendency to blame others for personal shortcomings. It can even affect physical health. For instance, people who feel ashamed of their bodies often ignore symptoms or avoid seeking medical help, putting their well-being at risk.

If unresolved, shame can create deep-rooted insecurities and prevent personal growth. A failed relationship, a career misstep, or an embarrassing moment can haunt someone for years if they continue to blame themselves. The longer shame lingers, the heavier it becomes.

When You Shouldn’t Feel Ashamed

Shame thrives in silence, convincing us we’re alone in our feelings. The truth is, there are situations where shame has no place. You shouldn’t feel ashamed for:

• Making mistakes—they’re a natural part of growth.

• Feeling emotions like sadness, fear, or insecurity.

• Setting boundaries with people who hurt or exhaust you.

• Not fitting into someone else’s expectations of who you “should” be.

Practical Steps to Manage Shame

Psychologist Nadezhda Pozharova offers strategies to help you work through shame instead of letting it consume you:

1. Ground Yourself in the Present. The moment shame surfaces, pause. Take a few deep breaths, hug yourself, or listen to calming music. Simple actions can interrupt the intensity of the emotion and help you regain control.

2. Move Your Body. Shame often traps us in our minds. Physical movement, like taking a walk or stretching, releases tension and clears mental fog, making it easier to process what’s happening.

3. Quiet Your Inner Critic. Don’t berate yourself for feeling ashamed. Instead, treat yourself with compassion. Say, “It’s okay to feel this way. Most people in my position would feel the same.”

4. Reach Out for Support. Shame makes us want to hide, but connection heals. Talk to someone you trust—someone who won’t judge you and will remind you of your worth.

5. Consider Therapy. Sometimes shame runs deeper, especially for individuals who experienced abuse or grew up in environments where shame was constant. Therapy can help identify the roots of shame and teach you how to separate your identity from those painful experiences.

Final Thoughts: Overcoming Shame

Shame is a part of being human, but it doesn’t have to define you. When you face it with self-compassion, curiosity, and support, it becomes easier to loosen its grip. You are not your mistakes or shortcomings—you are far more than that. By acknowledging shame, understanding where it comes from, and taking steps to work through it, you can reclaim your confidence and move forward without the weight of unnecessary guilt.

Remember, the next time shame tries to silence you: you’re allowed to feel, you’re allowed to grow, and you are enough just as you are.