As adults, we often believe we’re living for ourselves—making choices independently and chasing our own dreams. But how many of those desires are truly ours? How often do we pursue goals that reflect our parents’ expectations, society’s approval, or childhood conditioning? Distinguishing between your genuine desires and the ones shaped by others is a crucial step toward living an authentic and fulfilling life.

Needs vs. Desires: What’s the Difference?

At the core of human behavior lie two powerful motivators: needs and desires. Needs are fundamental for survival—think safety, physical health, and social belonging. In childhood, these basic needs are front and center. A child doesn’t yet distinguish between their personal desires and the demands of those around them, so they rely heavily on adults to decide what’s best.

Desires, however, emerge once our basic needs are met. Desires allow us to dream, create, and explore. Imagine a child who passionately dreams of becoming an underwater explorer. The dream is limitless and pure, undisturbed by society’s judgments. If parents encourage this curiosity—letting the child watch documentaries, explore books, or express themselves—it nurtures confidence and self-belief. But when desires are dismissed or criticized, the child learns to suppress them, prioritizing external validation instead.

This suppression often persists into adulthood. We might chase careers, relationships, or lifestyles that don’t truly resonate, all because they “make sense” to someone else. Over time, dissatisfaction creeps in, leading to burnout and an underlying sense of emptiness.

How Parental Influence Shapes Our Aspirations

Parents play a monumental role in shaping our view of the world—and ourselves. Sometimes, their influence is positive: they offer support, encouragement, and space to explore. But in many cases, even well-intentioned parents unconsciously impose their expectations onto their children.

Take a child raised in a family of doctors. Pursuing music or art in that environment might feel like betrayal. When the child’s choices are repeatedly invalidated or mocked, fear sets in—fear of rejection, failure, or losing love. Over time, the child internalizes the belief that their desires are unimportant, learning to prioritize external approval over personal fulfillment.

This dynamic is often seen in authoritarian families. Authoritarian parenting is characterized by control, emotional instability, and an inability to communicate as equals. In such families, children grow up doubting their decisions, fearing mistakes, and looking to others for validation. Even as adults, they struggle to break free from this pattern, unconsciously living a life that isn’t their own.

How to Rediscover Your True Desires

So how do you reconnect with what you genuinely want? It starts with self-awareness and introspection—a process of tuning out external noise and listening to your inner voice. Here’s where psychology comes into play: you need to connect with your “inner child,” the part of you that still holds onto forgotten dreams and aspirations.

Start by reflecting on your childhood. What excited you back then? What made your heart race and your imagination come alive? Was it painting, exploring nature, or inventing stories? Visualize that younger version of yourself—their energy, curiosity, and joy. Imagine having a conversation with them. What did they want that you never allowed yourself to pursue?

Once you identify these desires, accept that you now have the power to fulfill them. You are no longer the child who lacked the resources or support. Today, you have the freedom to explore, experiment, and prioritize what brings you joy.

True Desires vs. Imposed Ones: How to Tell the Difference

It’s easy to mistake an external expectation for a personal desire. Maybe you think you’ve always wanted to be an artist—but when you sit down to paint, you feel drained instead of inspired. That’s a sign the desire may not be authentic.

Here’s how to recognize a true desire:

1. It feels exciting and energizing. The process itself—not just the end result—brings you joy. Even thinking about it makes you feel alive.

2. You stop worrying about others’ opinions. Whether your parents approve or society judges, it doesn’t matter. You pursue it because it feels right.

3. You take full responsibility for making it happen. Genuine desires inspire action. You don’t wait for someone else’s approval or resources to begin.

If you find yourself burning out or losing interest, don’t despair. Authenticity is a journey. It’s okay to try something, realize it’s not for you, and move on. Each experience brings you closer to what truly fulfills you.

Living Authentically: The Power of Separation

True independence—emotionally and mentally—means separating your identity from your parents’ expectations. This doesn’t mean cutting ties or rejecting them. It means creating boundaries, accepting them as individuals, and seeing yourself as your own person.

By adulthood, most people have the tools to make this separation, but fear or guilt can hold us back. To truly step into your authentic self, consider the following steps:

• Set boundaries. Clearly and respectfully assert your right to make your own choices.

• Stop seeking approval. Your life belongs to you, not your parents. Their opinions don’t define your worth.

• Accept imperfection. Forgive yourself for past decisions and forgive your family for their mistakes.

• Take responsibility. Earn your own living, meet your own needs, and stop waiting for someone else to grant you permission.

The Bottom Line: Be the Protagonist of Your Own Life

From childhood to adulthood, we evolve into unique individuals with our own desires, strengths, and dreams. The key to living authentically is recognizing where external influence ends and your true self begins.

Reconnect with your inner child, honor your forgotten dreams, and trust that you are capable of creating a life that reflects who you truly are. Let go of fear, stop living for others, and embrace the freedom to be yourself. After all, you are the author of your story—and it’s time to write it your way.