Why Do We Feel Embarrassed for Others?

Imagine you’re watching a live interview, and the celebrity on screen makes an awkward comment or trips over their words. Your stomach clenches, your cheeks flush, and suddenly you feel their embarrassment as if it were your own. This strange sensation, often referred to as Spanish shame or secondhand embarrassment, can leave you squirming, even when the awkwardness has nothing to do with you. So, why does this happen, and is there anything we can do about it?

Shame, whether for ourselves or others, is a deeply human emotion. While we’re not born with it, it’s something we learn as we grow. Phrases like “Aren’t you ashamed?” or “Don’t embarrass yourself!” are all too familiar and instill a deep awareness of how others perceive us. Spanish shame takes this idea one step further: instead of feeling shame for ourselves, we feel it on behalf of someone else, often someone we don’t even know. But where does this come from, and what makes some of us experience it more intensely?

What Is Spanish Shame?

Spanish shame (or vergüenza ajena, as it’s called in Spanish) is the discomfort and embarrassment we feel when witnessing someone else’s awkward or humiliating moment. Interestingly, the term exists in many languages: English speakers call it secondhand embarrassment, while Germans use the phrase Fremdschämen. The emotion itself is universal—it crosses cultural lines and taps into our innate human connection.

According to psychologists, this reaction occurs because our brains are wired for empathy. When we see someone else in a cringe-worthy situation, we instinctively mirror their feelings. It’s as if our minds put us in their shoes and simulate their experience—even if they aren’t feeling embarrassed at all!

Why Do Some People Experience Spanish Shame More Intensely?

Not everyone feels secondhand embarrassment equally. For some, it’s a fleeting discomfort; for others, it can be overwhelming. This difference often comes down to personality traits, psychological boundaries, and life experiences.

Highly Empathic Individuals

If you’re naturally empathic, you’re more likely to experience Spanish shame. Empathy allows us to connect with the emotions of others on a deep level, which means when someone else stumbles—physically or socially—your brain reacts as though you are the one being embarrassed.

Blurred Personal Boundaries

People who struggle with personal boundaries often experience a sense of emotional “merging” with others. They absorb the feelings of those around them, as though their loved ones’ experiences are their own. This makes it nearly impossible to separate your emotions from someone else’s embarrassment.

Hyper-Responsibility and Perfectionism

If you’re someone who holds yourself (and others) to impossibly high standards, seeing someone act in an awkward or flawed way can trigger strong reactions. It’s as if their actions reflect poorly on you, even though they have nothing to do with you.

Low Self-Esteem and Social Anxiety

For those who fear being judged or ridiculed, witnessing someone else’s embarrassment hits close to home. It becomes all too easy to imagine yourself in their shoes, amplifying the discomfort.

Projection of Hidden Traits

Projection is a psychological defense mechanism where we attribute our own unacknowledged traits or insecurities to others. For instance, if you’re ashamed of being loud or clumsy, seeing someone else act this way might stir embarrassment—because it reminds you of a part of yourself you’d rather hide.

How to Manage Spanish Shame

While feeling embarrassed for others is a natural emotional response, it can sometimes become overwhelming. If you find yourself deeply affected by secondhand embarrassment, here are ways to regain control:

1. Acknowledge the Feeling

Start by recognizing what’s happening. Say to yourself, “I’m feeling embarrassed for them, but this isn’t my shame to carry.” By acknowledging the emotion, you take the first step toward separating yourself from it.

2. Focus on Your Boundaries

Remind yourself that you are only responsible for your actions and feelings. You can’t control how someone else behaves, nor do you need to carry their embarrassment. This mental reset can help you stay grounded.

3. Use Relaxation Techniques

If secondhand embarrassment triggers stress responses—like a racing heartbeat or flushed cheeks—calm yourself with deep breathing. Take slow, deep breaths, focusing on each inhale and exhale. This will help pull your mind away from anxious thoughts and bring you back to the present moment.

4. Take Action if Appropriate

Sometimes, acting on your discomfort can help diffuse it. If you notice someone in an embarrassing situation, quietly offer a kind gesture. For example, if someone has food stuck in their teeth or a wardrobe malfunction, let them know discreetly. Turning your discomfort into empathy-driven action can feel empowering.

5. Reflect on What the Feeling Teaches You

Spanish shame can reveal a lot about our inner world. Ask yourself: Why does this situation make me so uncomfortable? Are you seeing a part of yourself in the other person? Is there a hidden insecurity or trait you’ve been avoiding? By reflecting on these questions, you can use the emotion as a tool for self-awareness and growth.

6. Be Compassionate Toward Yourself and Others

If you struggle with perfectionism or social anxiety, remember: everyone makes mistakes. Embarrassment is part of being human, and no one is immune to it. Practicing self-compassion can help you be kinder to yourself and less reactive to the perceived flaws of others.

Spanish Shame: A Window Into Ourselves

Feeling embarrassed for others might seem like a quirky, unnecessary emotion, but it reveals how deeply connected we are to the people around us. It highlights our capacity for empathy, our personal boundaries, and even our hidden insecurities. While secondhand embarrassment can feel uncomfortable, it’s also a reminder of our shared humanity—because, let’s face it, we’ve all had our awkward moments.

By learning to manage these feelings, we can stay calm in uncomfortable situations, strengthen our emotional boundaries, and maybe even laugh off life’s little cringes. After all, it’s often those imperfect moments that make us the most relatable and real.