Relationships often begin with excitement and hope, but maintaining them takes work and self-awareness. One of the most common reasons couples drift apart is poor communication. Recognizing these harmful patterns can save a relationship before it’s too late. Let’s explore the subtle, yet destructive ways people communicate when things start falling apart and how to address them.

Criticism: The Slippery Slope to Resentment

Criticism, when handled poorly, can erode the foundation of any relationship. It’s one thing to address an issue constructively, but constant nitpicking and blaming often lead to feelings of inadequacy and resentment. Imagine living with someone who’s always watching for your mistakes, pointing fingers, and making you feel like the source of every problem.

Sometimes, this criticism escalates into personal attacks that overgeneralize behavior. Words like “always” and “never” are common culprits: “You never listen to me!” or “You’re always so careless!” These statements stop being about the issue at hand and instead target the partner’s character, making them feel undervalued and attacked.

How to handle criticism: Instead of blaming, focus on expressing your feelings and needs in a non-judgmental way. Use “I” statements and non-violent communication techniques. For example, say: “When you’re on your phone while I’m talking about something important, I feel ignored. Can we agree to put our phones away during conversations?” This approach shifts the focus from blame to collaboration, paving the way for solutions.

Contempt: The Silent Relationship Killer

Few things damage a relationship as deeply as contempt. When anger turns into disdain, the person you once loved can start to feel inferior or even disgusting in your eyes. Sarcasm, ridicule, dismissive gestures like eye-rolling, or mocking a partner’s needs can all signal contempt.

Contempt doesn’t just hurt feelings; it creates an emotional chasm. When one partner views the other as lesser, the balance of the relationship is destroyed. Over time, this dynamic fosters bitterness and isolation.

How to combat contempt: According to psychological research, the antidote is to nurture admiration, kindness, and empathy. Make an intentional effort to focus on what you appreciate about your partner. Reflect on your happiest moments together or express gratitude for their efforts. Treat them with the respect and tenderness you’d offer a close friend. A little warmth can go a long way in thawing the icy walls of contempt.

Defensiveness: When Conversations Turn Into Battles

It’s natural to want to defend yourself when you feel criticized, but excessive defensiveness can derail productive communication. When one partner perceives every comment as an attack, it becomes impossible to resolve even minor conflicts. Imagine being asked a simple question like, “Did you forget to take out the trash?” and responding with, “I’ve been busy all day! Why didn’t you remind me earlier?” Instead of addressing the issue, defensiveness shifts the blame and escalates tension.

Defensive reactions often stem from a fear of vulnerability or being judged. But this behavior creates a vicious cycle where both partners feel unheard and invalidated.

How to move past defensiveness: Take a step back and own your part in the conflict. Acknowledge your mistakes without turning the conversation into a blame game. For example, say: “You’re right, I forgot. I’ll make sure to handle it next time.” This openness fosters trust and breaks the defensive cycle.

Stonewalling: Building Emotional Barriers

When communication breaks down completely, one partner may withdraw from conversations altogether. This behavior, known as stonewalling, involves ignoring the other person, refusing to engage, or walking away from discussions. It’s like erecting an emotional wall that shuts the other person out.

Stonewalling often happens because one partner feels overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to respond. However, it can also be used as a passive-aggressive tactic to punish or manipulate the other person. Either way, it leaves unresolved issues festering, creating frustration and loneliness.

How to address stonewalling: If you feel the urge to withdraw, communicate your need for space. For instance, say: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and need a moment to process. Can we talk about this later?” Taking a short break can help both partners cool down and approach the conversation more constructively.

Building Healthier Communication Habits

While these patterns can signal trouble, they don’t have to mean the end of your relationship. With effort and self-awareness, couples can learn to break these cycles and strengthen their connection. Here’s what can help:

1. Practice emotional honesty: Be open about your feelings without fear of judgment. Vulnerability can deepen intimacy and create a safe space for both partners to share their thoughts.

2. Cultivate empathy: Try to see situations from your partner’s perspective. Understanding their feelings and motivations can reduce miscommunication and resentment.

3. Seek professional support: Couples therapy or individual counseling can provide tools to navigate conflict and improve communication skills.

4. Rebuild trust daily: Small acts of kindness, genuine apologies, and consistent effort can help repair damaged bonds.

Remember, relationships are a partnership. It’s not about winning arguments or proving who’s right but about working together to build a strong, supportive foundation. When you notice harmful communication patterns, address them with patience and love. After all, the goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress.