Agatha Christie once remarked that when a man tries to look in love, he becomes cheerful, gallant, and eager to show his affection. But when a man is truly in love, he looks like a sheep. And honestly, it’s hard to argue with that. Every one of us has seen it—a guy, completely smitten, acting so strangely that even he can’t explain his behavior. Awkward silences, clumsy jokes, and inexplicable decisions become the norm. Why does this happen? Let’s unravel the psychology of men and their sometimes baffling approach to love.

When Emotions Disrupt Comfort

Human beings thrive on routine. We feel confident when we know what to expect and how to respond. But when emotions come into play, particularly romantic ones, we’re often yanked out of our comfort zones. In relationships, men often find themselves faced with two familiar strategies: indifference or effort.

When a man isn’t interested in a woman, his behavior is natural, even effortless. He’s himself because he doesn’t care about the outcome. But when a woman sparks his interest, everything changes. Suddenly, every move feels like it carries enormous weight. What should he say? How should he act? This shift from indifference to caring often creates fear of rejection, which can completely derail his usual behavior.

Why Trying Too Hard Backfires

From childhood, many men are raised with the idea that they must "win" a woman’s affection. Society often teaches boys to please, obey, and follow rules set by female figures in their lives—mothers, teachers, or caretakers. So, when they meet a woman they genuinely care about, they instinctively fall into patterns of trying too hard to please her.

Here’s where things get tricky. By focusing entirely on what the woman wants or likes, the man unintentionally puts himself in a dependent position. Instead of expressing his true self, he becomes overly concerned with doing things “right” to gain her approval. This dynamic can lead to a sense of power imbalance, where the woman sets the tone, and the man feels like he’s always chasing her validation.

The Fear of Losing “The One”

The root of this behavior often lies in fear—fear of losing the woman or missing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This fear magnifies her importance in his mind, turning her into an unattainable ideal. At this point, the man isn’t just in love with her; he’s also afraid of losing the chance to have her.

This creates an internal conflict. On one hand, he wants to be close to her, but on the other, he’s terrified of making mistakes. This fear can cause him to act in ways that seem submissive or overly accommodating, reinforcing a sense of dependence rather than mutual respect. His friends may joke about him being “under the thumb,” but the reality is more psychological—he’s trying to avoid the stress of uncertainty.

The Scarcity Mindset in Love

One of the most damaging factors in modern relationships is the scarcity mindset. When a man believes there are limited opportunities to meet someone special, he’s more likely to cling to a single option, even if the relationship isn’t healthy. He convinces himself that this is his “last chance,” and this desperation clouds his judgment.

In healthy relationships, both partners bring something valuable to the table. There’s no fear of loss because the relationship is built on mutual respect and shared joy. But when a man feels there’s no alternative, he may put up with unreasonable demands or neglect his own needs to keep the relationship alive.

The Cost of Unbalanced Relationships

Here’s a harsh truth: relationships that start with fear or dependence rarely thrive. When one person is constantly trying to prove their worth, the partnership becomes imbalanced. Instead of enjoying the connection, the man feels like he’s working for it—washing floors, running errands, or trying to meet expectations just to maintain peace.

This isn’t sustainable. Over time, this dynamic drains emotional and physical energy, leading to frustration and resentment. The man may continue to say he’s “in love,” but what he’s really afraid of is losing the structure the relationship provides. True love isn’t about servitude or fear; it’s about partnership and shared growth.

Breaking Free from Fear in Relationships

The first step in changing these patterns is recognizing them. Fear has no place in healthy relationships. If a man finds himself constantly trying to please or feeling anxious about losing his partner, it’s time to reflect. Psychologists suggest reframing relationships as opportunities for mutual connection rather than performances to win approval.

Building confidence in relationships starts with understanding one’s own value. Instead of focusing on what the other person wants, ask: “What do I want? Does this relationship bring me joy and fulfillment?” These questions shift the focus from fear to self-awareness, paving the way for healthier dynamics.