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Boundaries

My wife and I are in a second time for each marriage. We have an agreed upon my boundary that she is not to touch the arm or shoulder area Etc of other men.  I have warned her against this behavior, and she has not betrayed me in almost 2 years. We were at a wedding recently and she broke this boundary.  I am having a difficult time understanding why she would risk loosing what we have together by doing so.  Please help me understand the WHY behind her behavior. 

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Luigi Olivieri
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16218 Arshad Raouf
Art Therapist, Clinical Psychologist, Marriage & Family The... Show more
M. Arshad Raouf
Art Therapist, Clinical Psychologist, Marriage & Family The... Show more
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46619 Soniya Yadav
Counselor, Life Coach, Marriage & Family Therapist and Pastoral ... Show more
Soniya Yadav
Counselor, Life Coach, Marriage & Family Therapist and Pastoral ... Show more
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Art Therapist, Clinical Psychologist, Marriage & Family The... Show more

I can understand why this has been upsetting for you, especially given that this was a clearly agreed-upon boundary in your relationship and that trust is particularly important to you both in a second marriage. At the same time, it may be helpful to recognize that we often assume that when someone crosses a boundary, it means they were willing to risk the entire relationship. In reality, human behavior is usually more complex. There may be many possible explanations: she may not have experienced the interaction as significant as you did, she may have acted out of habit or social convention in the context of a wedding, she may have been distracted and not fully mindful of the agreement in that moment, or there may be differences in how each of you understands the meaning and seriousness of this particular boundary.

The important question may not be, "Why would she risk losing what we have?" but rather, "What did this interaction mean to her, and what meaning did it hold for you?" Those answers can only emerge through an open, non-accusatory conversation in which both of you feel safe enough to be honest.

Before concluding that this behavior reflects betrayal or lack of commitment, I would encourage you to approach it with curiosity rather than certainty. Ask her how she understood what happened, what was going through her mind at the time, and whether the two of you still share the same understanding of this boundary. Understanding often comes not from assuming intent, but from exploring each other's experience with empathy and clarity.

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Counselor, Life Coach, Marriage & Family Therapist and Pastoral ... Show more

Hi Luigi,

I agree with Mr. Arshad.

Sometimes, two people attach different meanings and levels of seriousness to the same behavior. What feels like a boundary violation to you may have felt like a casual social gesture to her. That doesn't automatically reflect her intention or commitment.

Instead of assuming the worst, have an open and calm conversation. Share how it made you feel, then ask what was going through her mind. Our minds naturally fill in gaps with assumptions, but healthy relationships grow through understanding, not assumptions.

The goal isn't to prove who's right, it's to rebuild clarity and strengthen trust.

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