What Big Little Lies Teaches Us About the Psychology of Domestic Violence

When the first season of Big Little Lies arrived in 2017, it felt like more than just a television show; it was a cultural moment. With a stellar cast including Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman, Zoe Kravitz, and Adam Scott, the series, based on Liane Moriarty's novel, captivated audiences. While the show follows the intertwined lives of several families in a wealthy coastal town, it's the storyline of Celeste and her husband Perry that offers a harrowing and deeply psychological exploration of a question that haunts many: why does a victim of abuse so often remain silent?

The Illusion of Perfection

On the surface, Celeste's life is a fairy tale. A former lawyer, she is now a devoted housewife to a handsome, successful businessman, raising their twin sons in a stunning home. They are, to the outside world, the perfect couple. But this beautiful façade is a gilded cage, a carefully constructed illusion hiding a nightmare. Perry's love is a performance, a tool of total control. He has isolated Celeste from her career and friends under the guise of caring for her, turning an ambitious, independent woman into someone financially and psychologically dependent on him.

This control is absolute. Any flicker of Celeste's former independence is extinguished by Perry's aggression. She must account for her time, her conversations, her very thoughts. Afterwards, he masterfully reframes his violence as a consequence of her mistakes, something she provoked. Celeste clings to this rationalization, a defense mechanism against an unbearable truth. In the book, Liane Moriarty gives us a deep look into Celeste's internal dialogue, revealing a woman desperate to believe in the glossy picture she has curated. Admitting the truth would mean admitting her life is not perfect, a terrifying prospect for someone whose self-worth has become tangled in appearances.

The Addictive Cycle of Violence

The dynamic between Celeste and Perry perfectly illustrates the psychological concept known as the cycle of abuse. This pattern, which repeats endlessly, consists of four stages:

1. Mounting Tension: An atmosphere of fear and intense scrutiny builds. Perry becomes increasingly critical and controlling.
2. Act of Violence: The tension culminates in an explosive act of physical, psychological, or sexual violence.
3. Reconciliation: Perry is overcome with remorse. He apologizes, showers Celeste with affection, and promises it will never happen again.
4. The "Honeymoon" Period: A time of calm and renewed intimacy follows. Perry is loving, caring, and generous, reinforcing Celeste's hope that he has changed.

This "honeymoon" stage is the most insidious form of manipulation. It provides just enough hope to make the victim stay, to convince her that the good times are real and the violence is an aberration. For years, Celeste is trapped by this cycle, believing that this time will be different. The constant emotional whiplash, from terror to relief and back again, fosters a powerful trauma bond—a dependency on the abuser that mimics addiction. Her tolerance for his behavior grows, and her self-esteem erodes until she internalizes the belief, "Without him, I am nothing."

A Fractured Reality and Learned Behavior

To survive, Celeste's psyche splinters. She separates Perry into two distinct people: the "good" husband she remembers, the one who is a loving father in public, and the "bad" husband she represses and ignores. This is why, even in therapy, she struggles to name the emotions she feels and why, after his death, her memories are dominated by the good times. It is a profound defense against a reality that is too painful to hold all at once.

But where does Perry's behavior come from? The series suggests that violence is not a genetic trait but a learned behavior. In the second season, we meet his mother, Mary Louise, who employs the same methods of psychological abuse, controlling and undermining Celeste at every turn. We learn that Perry was also a victim of physical violence in his childhood, which taught him that such behavior was a normal part of family life. For him, aggression and control are his primary modes of interaction.

Celeste, in another act of self-preservation, misinterprets Perry's violent sexual encounters as mere "rough sex," a sign of his passionate nature. It becomes a twisted form of protection; she learns that sex can sometimes replace or interrupt a physical beating, making it a more "acceptable" option. However, it must be stated clearly: this is not a justification for Perry's actions. No childhood trauma can absolve an adult of the choices they make and the harm they inflict.

The Unseen Witnesses

Celeste justifies her silence with a fierce desire to protect her sons, believing they are unaware of the violence that happens behind closed doors. "It doesn't affect them at all," she insists. But she is tragically mistaken. Children are deeply intuitive and absorb the emotional atmosphere of their home.

The series powerfully demonstrates how children adopt the behavioral patterns of the adults around them. We see this in the contrast between Celeste’s son, Max, and Jane's son, Ziggy. Though they share a biological father in Perry, they are products of their environments. Ziggy, raised by a loving single mother, is kind and gentle. Max, however, witnesses his father’s aggression and begins to replicate it, bullying a classmate at school. Children reflect the conflicts of the adult world. By protecting the image of their father as a good man, Celeste inadvertently teaches her sons that his behavior—manipulation, control, and violence—is acceptable.

Big Little Lies offers one of the most honest portrayals of domestic violence, stripping away the simplistic question of "Why doesn't she just leave?" It reveals the complex web of fear, financial dependence, and profound psychological manipulation that creates a prison with invisible bars. It shows that abuse can happen in any family, regardless of wealth or status, and that breaking free is one of the most difficult challenges a person can face.

References

• This book is the foundational work on the psychology of battered women. It introduces and thoroughly explains the "Cycle of Abuse" (Tension Building, Acute Battering Incident, and Loving Contrition/Honeymoon Phase) that is clearly depicted in Celeste and Perry’s relationship. It provides the clinical framework for understanding why a victim might stay with an abuser, focusing on the psychological conditioning involved.
  Walker, L. E. A. (2009). The Battered Woman Syndrome (3rd ed.). Springer Publishing Company.
• This text is essential for understanding the abuser's perspective, which perfectly aligns with Perry's character. Bancroft argues that abusive men are not out of control, but are instead highly invested in maintaining control, entitlement, and privilege. The book dismantles common myths (e.g., that abuse is caused by anger, mental illness, or past trauma) and explains the manipulative tactics abusers use, which are all present in Perry's behavior toward Celeste (pp. 59-105).
  Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.
• While covering a broad range of trauma, this book’s insights into trauma bonding and dissociation are directly applicable to Celeste's story. Van der Kolk explains how traumatic experiences are stored in the body and mind, leading to fragmented memories and a disconnection from one's own feelings. This helps explain Celeste’s difficulty in articulating her experience to her therapist and her tendency to "split" the image of Perry into good and bad parts as a survival mechanism (pp. 66-73).
  van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.