Why do people betray?
In psychoanalysis, infidelity cannot be reduced to a simplistic conclusion such as the absence of love or the failure of a relationship. Instead, it is understood as a manifestation of unconscious conflicts, desires, and dynamics that extend far beyond conscious intentions or moral codes. Love and desire, although often confused in everyday speech, are not the same thing. A person may genuinely love their partner, feel deep affection, and even remain emotionally invested in the relationship, and yet still find themselves driven to seek experiences outside of it. This apparent contradiction is not evidence of hypocrisy or lack of commitment alone; rather, it reflects the complexity of the unconscious forces that shape human behavior.
From a psychoanalytic perspective, the act of betrayal often reveals something unresolved within the subject. It may signal the presence of hidden dissatisfactions that have never been spoken aloud, desires that were repressed for the sake of maintaining the relationship, or long-standing conflicts rooted in early experiences of love, attachment, and recognition. Infidelity, therefore, functions less as a direct commentary on the partner or on the quality of the bond, and more as a symbolic act where the unconscious expresses what could not be articulated otherwise.
One common motivation is the pursuit of ego reaffirmation. Within a stable relationship, the individual may feel loved yet simultaneously struggle with doubts about their own desirability, attractiveness, or vitality. Engaging in an extraneous encounter can provide a temporary sense of validation, a narcissistic boost that reassures the self of its worth. Paradoxically, this does not necessarily diminish the affection for the partner; the two dynamics—loving and seeking affirmation elsewhere—can coexist, even if they create tension and guilt.
Another important factor is the repetition of unconscious patterns. Freud highlighted the concept of repetition compulsion, where individuals unconsciously recreate familiar situations, even painful ones, in an attempt to master them. Infidelity may serve as a reenactment of unresolved family dramas, childhood experiences of secrecy, or unresolved Oedipal conflicts. For example, someone who grew up in an environment where loyalty was fragile may unconsciously reproduce that instability in their adult relationships, regardless of their conscious wish to remain faithful.
Psychoanalysis also reminds us that desire does not obey social contracts or rational decisions. The unconscious resists the boundaries imposed by morality and convention. While love tends to bind, unite, and sustain, desire is restless, mobile, and at times disruptive. To love someone does not mean that all other desires vanish. On the contrary, repressed wishes often persist beneath the surface, waiting for an opportunity to emerge. Infidelity may be one of the forms through which these desires break into action, despite the subject’s conscious values or intentions.
It is crucial to understand that this does not absolve the subject of responsibility. Psychoanalysis does not justify betrayal; rather, it explains it. By unveiling the unconscious dimensions behind the act, it provides a deeper comprehension of why such contradictions occur in human life. To love and to betray are not necessarily mutually exclusive; instead, they expose the conflict between two powerful forces: the conscious investment in a partner and the unconscious insistence of desire.
Ultimately, the lesson from psychoanalysis is that love does not silence the unconscious. To love deeply does not shield anyone from internal conflicts, nor does it guarantee fidelity. Repressed desires will always look for alternative routes of expression, whether through fantasies, dreams, symptoms, or, in some cases, acts of infidelity. Understanding this complexity allows us to move beyond moralistic judgments and recognize that human relationships are, above all, shaped by the dynamic tension between love, desire, and the unconscious.
