There’s a growing tension between parents and adult children who are struggling to gain full independence. It’s easy to assume someone is doing something wrong—either the parents are too controlling or enabling, or their adult children are “spoiled or unmotivated”. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. After extensive research on the subject, Professor and psychologist Dr. Laurence Steinberg found it’s now taking young people 50% longer than previous generations (approximately 5 years) to move into conventional roles of adulthood.

What used to clearly signal “adulthood”, a stable job, buying a home, becoming financially independent etc., doesn’t happen as early or as predictably anymore. For many adult children, independence is slower, messier, or looks completely different than it did for their parents. While parents still feel responsible, their kids are wanting more autonomy, creating friction in the relationship.

Parenting styles have changed. Many parents today were deeply involved in their kids’ lives, emotionally supportive, attentive, and present. That closeness is truly valuable; however, it also makes the transition into adulthood more difficult. Stepping back from our children doesn’t feel neutral, and it can feel like abandonment. On the other side, when adult children try to set boundaries and ask for more autonomy, it can come across as rejection to their parents, even when that’s not the intention at all.

Unspoken expectations can often fuel tension as well. Parents may expect gratitude and a set time line for their support, meanwhile, adult children might assume, “my parents will always be there for me, no matter what.” None of these expectations are necessarily unreasonable, but when they’re not discussed, they tend to turn into quiet resentment.

So what is a parent to do?

What seems to help is a shift in mindset, especially for parents. Moving from being a manager to more of a mentor changes the tone entirely. Adult children tend to be more open to their parents offering guidance instead of direction. Allow your adult child make choices, even the ones you wouldn’t make. And something that sounds simple but can be surprisingly difficult, ask: “Do you want advice, or do you just want me to listen?”

Boundaries matter on both sides. It’s important to clear about what you can offer, whether that’s financial help, emotional support, or time, then stick to it. Avoid lectures or guilt, and aim for calm, direct conversations. The earlier these conversations happens, the less likely resentment has time to build.

And as difficult as it can be, growth usually involves some struggle. It’s hard to watch someone you love make mistakes or face consequences, but constantly stepping in can delay the very independence everyone is hoping for. Support works best when it helps build long-term capability, not just short-term relief.

Perhaps the most important shift is redefining the relationship altogether. Get to know your adult child as they are now, not as the teenager they used to be. Find new ways to connect that are based on mutual respect, shared interests, and a bit more space.

If you would like to explore how life coaching can help you manage difficulties with your adult children, I offer complimentary consultations. Please message me or visit my website: lisecoupal.com.