Have you ever noticed that lingering feeling? You have money in the bank, your health is solid, your relationships are stable, and you have got a secure roof over your head — yet something inside still feels tight, like a knot you simply cannot loosen. It is as if there is an invisible judge standing nearby, quietly assessing every move: “Yeah, you did okay… but do you really deserve it?”

We built this cage ourselves. We spent years trying to be “good” — the good kid, the good partner, the good employee, the good friend. And now, even when nothing bad is happening, true relaxation feels out of reach. Why does this happen?

Where This Constant Tension Comes From

This is not some personal flaw or brokenness. It is the direct result of how most of us were raised. From early childhood, we heard simple phrases repeated over and over: “Good job,” “Well done,” “You are so smart.” At first glance, this seems like harmless, loving praise. Over time, however, it made us dependent on external validation.

Without that specific “good job,” we struggle to feel worthy. Without someone else’s stamp of approval, something feels fundamentally wrong.

What Happened When Praise Was Removed

Consider a fascinating case where a preschool ran a 30-day experiment: teachers completely stopped using evaluative praise. No more “good job,” “great drawing,” or “you are so clever.” Instead, they simply described what they saw without judgment. They would say things like, “I noticed you chose blue today,” “You tied your shoes faster than yesterday,” or “You helped another child with the blocks.”

Within just two weeks, something remarkable happened. The kids stopped running to the teachers shouting, “Look what I made!” seeking validation. Instead, they started showing their work to each other. Play became louder, freer, and their movements became more confident. No one was waiting for permission to just be themselves.

We grew up, but that inner child stayed within us. We are still waiting for someone to confirm: “Yes, you are doing it right.”

Dopamine and the Approval Loop

When we are praised, the brain releases dopamine — a quick, chemical hit of “yes, this feels good.” But this sensation fades fast, and we immediately need another dose: another like, another thank you, another win at work. That is how the loop forms. We start doing things not because we truly want to, but because we are chasing the physiological reaction.

When that reaction does not come, it feels like something is wrong with us. However, there is another way: noticing our own actions without judgment. When we do this, dopamine arrives quietly and lasts longer — like the warmth after a solid night’s sleep. It is the profound feeling of “I see I am growing,” rather than the fleeting high of “someone told me I am great.”

How School Shaped the Inner Critic

Do you remember your report cards? An 'A' meant pride and acceptance; a 'C' or lower often meant shame. Teachers rarely said, “You tried thinking about it differently today.” More often, the feedback was binary: “Right” or “Wrong.”

That is exactly how the inner critic formed — a voice that judges even our private thoughts. It whispers, “You didn’t say that right,” “You could have done better,” or “You haven’t earned rest yet.” Now, as adults, when we just want to sit and breathe, that voice intervenes: “Get up — you are not done.”

What the Research Shows

A renowned Stanford researcher discovered something striking regarding how we view success. When children are praised for being smart (“You are so intelligent!”), they actually become more anxious. They start fearing mistakes because a single mistake might “prove” they are not smart after all. This is the trap of the fixed mindset.

But when they are praised for effort (“You tried different approaches and kept going”), they learn to enjoy the process itself. Success stops being proof of worth and becomes a natural outcome of showing up. This pattern carries directly into adulthood. We post on social media not just to share, but to get that spark of validation. When the response is lukewarm, it hurts — as if we ourselves are not enough.

Signs You Are Living for Approval

• You feel you cannot rest until everything on your list is done.
• You struggle to say "no" for fear of disappointing someone.
• You work overtime because you are afraid of losing trust or status.
• You feel awkward when praised, yet you still crave it.
• You feel guilty on “unproductive” days.

This is not laziness, nor is it weakness. It is a signal: you are living for others’ expectations instead of your own rhythm.

How to Reclaim Your Calm

Start small: notice instead of judge. Change the internal narrative from “I did badly” to “I did what I could today.” Not “I didn’t try hard enough,” but “I stopped when my body asked for a break.”

When the anxious thought “What will people think?” appears, take a breath and remind yourself: “Their thoughts are theirs. My feelings are mine.”

Do things purely for the process: take a walk, exercise, or create something with no goal and no score. Return to your body through breathing, sleep, and hydration. Anxiety always speaks through the body first, screaming: “Stop running!”

Your Real Mirror Is Inside

Imagine standing in a completely dark room looking for a mirror. You cannot see anything. Then you pull out your phone, turn on the front camera, and finally see your face — but only through a digital screen. That is how many of us live: seeing ourselves only through others’ reactions.

But the real mirror is not out there. It is in how your body breathes when you are not performing. It is in how your shoulders drop when you allow yourself to simply be. Maturity is shifting from “I want them to praise me” to “I see how I am growing — and that is enough.”

You are not inherently anxious. You just spent a very long time in a world built on grades and approval. Every time you choose to notice yourself without judgment, you reclaim a small piece of freedom. Not a like, not praise, but quiet inside. The kind where you simply exist — and that is enough.

References

• Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for intelligence can undermine children's motivation and performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 33–52.
  The study found that praising intelligence makes children more anxious and less resilient to setbacks, while praising effort supports sustained motivation and learning.
• Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Random House.
  The book explains how the type of praise children receive shapes either a fixed mindset (dependent on proving ability) or a growth mindset (focused on process and effort), affecting anxiety and resilience throughout life.
• Kohn, A. (1999). Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.
  The author argues that praise and external rewards can undermine intrinsic motivation, creating reliance on others’ approval rather than personal satisfaction from the activity itself.