We all do it. A new week, a new month, the new year — we promise ourselves change. Lose those extra pounds. Earn more money. Finally take control of life. Buy the car, move to a better place, start living differently. At first, there is a spark. A rush of energy, a feeling of being alive. But soon that spark fades. Excitement turns into tension, clarity becomes pressure, and instead of results, we are left with disappointment and quiet anger at ourselves.

When that happens, most of us make the same mistake: we decide something is wrong with us. We tell ourselves we are weak. We lack willpower. We are not motivated enough. We simply need more discipline. But the truth is far kinder — and far more useful. The problem isn’t you. It’s how we’re using goals.

Goals Are Powerful — But Only When Used Right

Goals are an incredible tool. Like fire, they can warm us, feed us, and light the way. But handled carelessly, they can burn everything down. Too often we treat goals like a whip — something to crack against ourselves to force movement. We want the adrenaline, the rush, the proof that we’re finally serious. And for a moment it works. Then it doesn’t.

There are two common extremes, and both lead to the same dead end.

The Trap of Unrealistically High Goals

When we set targets that feel like commands — “I must,” “I have to,” “I can’t fail” — something shifts inside. The goal stops being a direction and becomes a verdict on our worth. Achieve it, and we’re temporarily okay. Fail, and the old voice returns: “See? You’re not enough.”

These kinds of goals rarely come from a genuine desire for growth. More often they come from a deeper need to prove something — to ourselves, to others, to silence an inner critic. Instead of moving forward, we spend our energy in constant self-judgment.

The Trap of No Goals at All

On the other side are people who, after too many disappointments, stop aiming altogether. “It’s fine as it is,” they say. “Maybe later.” Wanting feels dangerous because it opens the door to possible failure and familiar pain. Life continues, but without direction, without that quiet inner pull toward something better. Both extremes share the same root: a disconnection from our own inner signals.

The Real Test of a Healthy Goal

Here’s what almost no one says out loud: a well-set goal should relax you. Not pump you up with adrenaline. Not push you harder. It should feel like a quiet “ahhh” — a release of tension.

Our nervous system doesn’t run toward pretty words or grand visions. It moves away from threat and toward safety. When a goal feels dangerous — even subtly — the body responds with protection: procrastination, avoidance, self-sabotage. We often call it laziness, but that is a misdiagnosis. It is actually survival.

The clearest way to know if a goal is right for you is physical. Say it out loud or think it through. Notice what happens in your body. Do your shoulders tighten? Does your breath catch? Does something clench inside? That is a signal the goal is working against you.

Now try a different version. Does the body soften? Is there space, ease, a quiet exhale? That is the sign it’s safe — and therefore possible.

A Simple Example

Imagine two ways of saying almost the same thing. The numbers are similar, but the felt experience can be completely different:

• Option A: “I need 15 new clients this month.” (Often creates immediate pressure).
• Option B: “I’d like two new clients each week.” (Often creates manageable forward motion).

Or consider this content creation scenario:

• Option A: “I have to post content every single day.”
• Option B: “I want to create one really good post each week.”

Again — same overall output, different internal state. One drains energy before you even start. The other leaves room to breathe.

Where Energy Really Comes From

Goals that create inner conflict consume our energy. Goals that feel safe free it up. Real progress doesn’t come from forcing ourselves harder; it comes from removing unnecessary resistance. Clarity creates momentum far better than pressure ever could.

A healthy goal isn’t a weapon to fix ourselves. It’s a path we can walk without fighting ourselves every step of the way.

Next time you set an intention, pause and ask one simple question: When I say this goal, do I exhale — or do I tighten? If you tighten, it isn’t the right path yet. Adjust until the body says yes. That small shift changes everything.

References

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
  The book describes how the nervous system detects safety versus threat and shifts into defensive states under perceived danger, explaining why pressure-filled goals trigger protective responses like procrastination.
• Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
  Explores how harsh self-criticism and the need to prove worth through achievement increase stress and reduce well-being, while self-kindness supports sustained effort and emotional resilience.
• Fogg, B. J. (2019). Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
  Shows how breaking desired outcomes into very small, low-pressure actions creates momentum and positive emotion, making behavior change feel natural rather than forced.