If you have ever dealt with a narcissist, you know they can drain everyone around them, making life unbearable unless the spotlight is firmly fixed on them. It feels like they are a perpetual motion machine of selfishness—they never stop, constantly seeking something to fuel them. And that fuel has a specific name: narcissistic supply. It is exactly what gives them the strength to maintain their grandiose self-image, regulate their inner chaos, and simply feel alive.

I often think about this because I have seen firsthand how such people affect those close to them. It is not just a matter of whims or being "difficult"—it is a deep, pathological need that drives them to manipulate their surroundings. However, understanding this mechanism can help us protect ourselves and avoid becoming an unwilling player in their game. Let's break down exactly where narcissists get this "fuel" from and how we sometimes, without even realizing it, provide it to them.

Putting on a Show: Being the Center of Attention

Imagine Jay from The Great Gatsby—but strip away the romantic backstory. He throws lavish parties at his mansion, drawing hundreds of guests. People admire the house, praise the host, and everything revolves around him. He can step in at any moment with a speech or shift the evening's mood—it is all under his control.

That is exactly what narcissists often do: they create situations where they are inevitably the star. Sam Vaknin describes in his book Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited how someone with a narcissistic personality puts in tremendous effort to attract attention and become the main focus. Parties, events, drama—anything works, as long as people come to them, praise them, and admire them. It delivers a powerful dopamine hit, acting as confirmation: "I am special."

It always seems sad to me—so much energy is spent on the external because there is a profound emptiness inside. But when we attend these events and play by their rules, we unintentionally feed the system.

In Power: Praise Instead of Respect

Now, think about bosses. Some are true leaders: they mentor the team, share the workload, and give credit to everyone for successes. Others... are closer to narcissists. They claim all the glory for themselves, ignore the contributions of others, and keep people in a state of fear rather than respect.

Studies show that narcissistic leaders especially crave attention and praise. There is even evidence suggesting that some are willing to take a lower salary in exchange for more media coverage or public visibility. Vaknin writes about this dynamic extensively: narcissists love admiration and use authority primarily to feel superior.

I have seen it in the workplace—when someone constantly boasts about team achievements as their own personal victories. It is painful for the rest of the staff, but for the narcissist, it is pure fuel. If we silently tolerate it or even praise them to avoid conflict, we become part of the cycle.

Surrounding Themselves with Admirers: You as Their "Court"

Remember movies about popular girls in school? For example, Tom-Tom from 13 Going on 30—always surrounded by her clique, who support her even when she is bullying others. Those "friends" exist to constantly validate her superiority.

Narcissists do the same thing in adult life: they keep people around who are willing to support them, agree with everything, and sacrifice their time and feelings. If you feel manipulated, demanded of without reciprocity, or notice your accomplishments are credited to them while blame falls on you—that is a major red flag. You might be becoming a primary source of their supply.

It is exhausting. I know how hard it is to break free once you are involved in this dynamic. But awareness is the first step toward freedom.

Why It's Important to Understand This

Being around a narcissist always carries the risk of emotional burnout. And realizing that we might be feeding their addiction to attention makes it even harder to digest. But it is not our fault. Narcissistic supply is their way of surviving in their inner world.

If you have noticed these patterns in someone close—or even recognized them in yourself—do not ignore it. Talk to a specialist or a psychologist. It can change everything.

We all deserve relationships where attention is mutual, not one-sided. And remember: refusing to feed someone's ego isn't cruelty—it is self-care.

References

• Vaknin, Sam. Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited. Narcissus Publications, 2003 (originally 1999, multiple editions).
  (The book provides a detailed explanation of narcissistic supply as an addiction, including methods of obtaining it through attention, admiration, and control over others; it describes how narcissists create situations to nourish their ego.)
• Affinity Psychological Services. How To Tell If You Are Feeding A Narcissist’s Supply (blog, 2022).
  (The article outlines signs that a person is becoming a source of narcissistic supply: manipulation, disregard for the victim's feelings, and using others to meet the narcissist's needs.)