You open your feed. There’s a girl with perfect skin holding a latte, captioning: “Let go of people who don’t choose you. You deserve those who stay.” 500k likes. You like it too.

A week later, you block your friend because she didn’t reply to your story with “how are you.” And you feel strong, independent, like someone who’s finally “setting boundaries.” In reality, you just fell for the most profitable lie of our time — pop psychology wrapped in pretty packaging.

It’s sold everywhere in the same aesthetic: pastel beige, sans-serif font, and endless promises that everything will be easy if you just “release the toxic people” and “love yourself.” The truth? A real psyche never fits into a 10-slide carousel.

When “self-love” becomes escape

One of the most popular myths is simple: if you love yourself, you don’t need anyone else. Sounds beautiful. Works terribly.

Back in the 1960s and 70s, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth proved attachment theory: humans are biologically wired to seek closeness with others. Babies die without touch; adults die without relationships. Loneliness kills as reliably as smoking. In fact, Julianne Holt-Lunstad’s meta-analysis showed it carries a 26–29% increased risk of premature death.

Yet pop psychology persists: “You are enough on your own.” The result? People dump partners at the first fight because “he violated my boundaries,” avoid therapy because “I’ll figure it out myself,” and end up with a perfect selfie and an empty apartment.

Real self-love isn’t standing in front of the mirror praising yourself. It’s being able to say: “I’m furious right now because I’m terrified of being abandoned, and it’s okay that it hurts.” It’s the ability to sit with your own shame and fear instead of running into “high vibes.”

“Toxic people” — the most convenient label of the century

Right now, the word “toxic” gets slapped on everyone: the mom who calls too often, the friend who made an off-color joke, the guy who was twenty minutes late for a date. In clinical psychology, “toxic behavior” has clear criteria: systematic humiliation, gaslighting, control, physical or emotional abuse.

Someone occasionally annoying you is not toxicity. That’s just relationships.

Research on attachment styles suggests that people who are quick to label normal conflict as "toxic" often possess an avoidant attachment style. They tend to cut contact abruptly instead of working through friction. In plain words: they run.

Here’s the paradox: when you declare everyone around you toxic, you’re left alone with your inner mess. And then there’s definitely no one to tell you that sometimes you’re the difficult one.

How forced “positive thinking” makes depression worse

Byron Katie, Louise Hay, and thousands of coaches promise: change your thoughts, change your life. However, psychological research paints a different picture.

A seminal study by Wood, Perunovic, and Lee (2009) showed that forcing positive affirmations on people with low self-esteem actually makes them feel worse. The person thinks: “I’m supposed to think positively, but I can’t — so I’m an even bigger failure.”

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) have long proven the opposite approach works better: you first have to accept the pain, give it space, and only then move forward. Sometimes “good vibes only” is just another way of not hearing yourself.

Why you’re still scrolling quotes instead of booking a therapist

Because pop psychology is fast food for the soul. Tasty, instant, loaded with salt and sugar. Real inner work is cooking dinner from scratch: it takes time, sometimes you cry while chopping onions, sometimes you burn everything to hell. But in the end, you know exactly what you put in it.

So what to do instead of liking posts about “letting go”?

• When you feel like cutting someone out forever, ask yourself: “What am I afraid will happen if I stay in this relationship?” Fear of intimacy often disguises itself as “protecting my boundaries.”
• Instead of the affirmation “I deserve the best,” try the honest version: “It hurts like hell right now, and that’s okay.”
• Read books that don’t fit into a reel:
  • Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
  • The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
  • The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm

And most importantly — find a therapist. Not a $300 coach who calls you “queen,” but a professional who can sit with your rage, shame, and tears without judgment.

Pop psychology is a painkiller. Real psychology is surgery. Yes, it’s going to hurt. But afterward, you’ll actually live instead of just surviving inside a pretty picture.

So next time you’re about to post “I choose me” after another breakup — pause. And ask: what part of me is desperately trying to run away right now?

Maybe that’s exactly the part that’s been begging not for likes, but for a hug.