Have you ever had this happen? You quarreled with a loved one, slammed the door, said far too much, and then, in the silence that followed, you regret it. No matter how much we pride ourselves on our intellect, the real power over our behavior is often held by the limbic system—the ancient, emotional part of the brain. The cortex, which is responsible for rationality, is essentially just a commentator who tries to explain, after the fact, why we did what we did.

I want to show you how these processes work. We'll look at five common states, backed by real stories from life and science. And most importantly, together we will figure out what to do about it.

1. The Red Mist: Anger

Consider a tragic case of road rage. A man shot another driver simply because the driver cut him off on the road. The flash of anger lasted a second; the consequences, unfortunately, last a lifetime. Experts confirmed the killer was in a "state of affect"—an emotional overload where rational thinking is switched off.

A more common daily variant: you snap at your child for scattered toys, verbally tear down your partner for buying the wrong kind of milk, or send a harsh message to a colleague. At this moment, you are not solving the problem. You are releasing tension, like a teapot whose lid has blown off.

The Science: Anger activates the amygdala, a part of the brain that perceives threat. It launches an emergency protocol through the hypothalamus. Your blood pressure rises, muscles tense, and pulse quickens. This mobilizes the body. But simultaneously, the prefrontal cortex, the center of self-control, is suppressed. We lose the ability to soberly assess what is happening. Essentially, anger is a takeover by the limbic system, where feelings override thinking.

What to Do: If you feel anger, name it directly: "I am angry." Take a pause. Walk around. Breathe. A simple 4-second inhale and 6-second exhale can work wonders. If you feel that anger has built up, find a physical release. Go and hit a punchbag. Physical exercise will allow you to release this tension safely.

2. The Reckoning: Impulsivity and Grief

A case study describes a man who, in a fit of grief and anger after a breakup, burned everything connected to his former wife: letters, photos, books. A few days later, he regretted it deeply, but it was too late. He thought he was getting rid of the pain, but in reality, he only lost a part of himself.

A common daily variant: after a quarrel, you delete the shared chat with your loved one, erase all the photos, quit your job without finding a new one, or drop a study course you dreamed of, simply because you've "had enough."

The Science: When we feel bad, the brain demands immediate relief. This activates the dopamine reward system. We take impulsive steps not for any long-term benefit, but simply to stop feeling pain right now.

What to Do: In moments of strong emotion, place a ban on making major decisions. Give it 24 hours of silence. Write down all your thoughts and feelings, but do not act on them. Call someone who won't just agree with you, but who will bring you back down to earth. A decision made in a storm rarely withstands the test of calm.

3. The Empty Fix: Emotional Consumption

Dan Ariely's work describes a common case. A woman, after an unsuccessful job interview, went to a shopping mall and spent her entire salary in an hour on things she hadn't even planned to buy. Then came the guilt, and eventually, the credit card debt.

A common daily variant: you argue with your parents and automatically eat an entire pizza at night. You weren't appreciated at work, and you order a third gadget online this month. Or, conversely, you subject yourself to strict, punishing economy out of spite to the world.

The Science: Emotional swings activate anxiety zones in the brain. To silence them, the brain chooses the most accessible pleasures: food, shopping, endless social media scrolling. This isn't laziness; it's an attempt to restore a sense of control.

What to Do: Make a list before the emotion hits. "What can I do to feel better that won't destroy me?" A walk, a hot shower, a sauna, a gym session, calling a good friend. When the brain has a healthy place to go, it won't try to drown you in costly quick fixes.

4. The Freeze: Paralyzing Fear

The book On Killing describes a case where a soldier froze in combat and could not shoot. Later, he said, "I knew I had to act, but my body just wouldn't obey." He considered himself a coward his whole life, although the reaction was purely biological.

A common daily variant: you don't raise your hand at a meeting, even though you know the right answer. You don't answer a call where an important decision is expected. You don't say "No" when you should, because you are afraid, and then you get angry at yourself but change nothing.

The Science: This is the "freeze" response. When faced with a perceived threat, the body sometimes chooses an instinctive strategy: "If I don't move, the danger will pass." This often happens to people with increased sensitivity and anxiety.

What to Do: Train the action response. Breathe. Move. Master short, simple phrases that you can utter even when in fear ("I need a moment," "I'll get back to you," "No."). Go into uncomfortable situations in small, manageable steps. Only through action is inner strength formed.

5. The Final Straw: Burnout and Explosions

Imagine a respected surgeon who, during a complex operation, suddenly left the operating room, abandoning the patient because he couldn't handle the pressure. He was a great doctor, but he had burned out to the last drop. The patient survived. The doctor's career did not.

You tolerate it for a week, a month, a year... and then suddenly you explode at your loved ones over a dropped mug, over a bit of noise, over one wrong phrase. They look at you, confused, and say: "What's wrong with you? You're not like that." But you are like that... just exhausted.

The Science: When we live in chronic stress, the brain's cortex loses flexibility, and the limbic system, conversely, becomes hypertrophied (overly large and sensitive). This creates an "emotional tunnel." You see only the threat and nothing else.

What to Do: This is where universal recommendations come in. You must find ways to exit this state. First, meditations. There are countless ways to find meditative music or simple guided programs. Second, physical exercise. A contrast shower, squatting 20 times, push-ups, or just walking up and down the stairs will change your body's state. Third, breathing practices. Learn to breathe deeply, expelling the emotional state by changing your physical one.

The Choice We All Have

On a psychological level, this is an emotional problem. On a physiological level, it's stress. Stress is a state of tension, an adaptation reaction of the body to the need to do something with the external environment. There are five powerful, natural ways to cope with this tension:

• Sleep
• Laughter
• Sunlight
• Sport
• Sex

Emotions are not the problem. The inability to live through them without destruction is. We are not bots; we are living people, and we should not be cold. You don't have to be right, you have to be normal. All of us, absolutely all of us, do stupid things, and almost always based on emotions.

We are obliged to learn not to give the steering wheel to an emotion that just came and went, leaving behind destroyed relationships, health, and finances. Every day is a training. Training in mindfulness, training in the pause, training in the choice. And the more often you notice your reactions, the less often you will be their hostage.

Take care of yourself. And don't forget, you are not what you feel. You are what you do with what you feel.

Sources for Further Reading

• Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books. This foundational book explores the power of the emotional brain (the limbic system) and how its impulses, described as the "amygdala hijack," can override the rational mind (the prefrontal cortex). It provides the scientific basis for understanding why we "lose control" in moments of anger or fear. (See Chapter 2, "Anatomy of an Emotional Hijacking").
• Ariely, D. (2008). Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions. HarperCollins. The author, a behavioral economist, provides clear evidence for how seemingly illogical decisions are often driven by hidden emotional forces. This directly explains the mechanics behind "emotional consumption" and other impulsive actions, such as the case of the shopping spree after a failed interview.
• Grossman, D. (1996). On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society. Little, Brown and Co. This psychological study of combat analyzes the physiological and emotional reactions of people in extreme stress, including the "freeze" response. It details how, in moments of paralyzing fear, the body's instinctive survival mechanisms can override conscious commands, as seen in the soldier's story.