I’ve always been curious about how we navigate our relationships—why some of us crave closeness while others pull away, or why criticism hits some people harder than others. There’s a fascinating tool for this called the Relationship Profile Test, created by Dr. Robert F. Bornstein, a psychologist who has spent years studying the psychology of personality and interpersonal dynamics. It examines how you relate to people, whether you lean too heavily on others for validation or if you tend to keep your distance to avoid getting hurt. I appreciate this test because it’s straightforward and shines a light on patterns you might not even notice in yourself.

The test consists of 30 questions, and you answer each one on a 5-point scale, from “not at all true” to “completely true.” It takes about four minutes if you don’t overthink it. The questions probe things like whether criticism stings you deeply, if you need others to like you to feel okay, or if you sometimes feel an urge to pull back from everyone. At the end, you get a score that reveals two key things: whether your dependence on others in relationships is healthy or excessive, and whether you have a tendency toward destructive overindependence—basically, if you push people away to avoid genuine closeness. It’s not about labeling you; it’s about understanding how you connect.

I took this test myself a while ago, and it was quite eye-opening. I thought I was pretty balanced, but my score showed I leaned a bit toward needing approval more than I realized. It made me reflect on why I cared so much about what others thought. Bornstein’s work suggests that our relationship patterns—whether we cling too tightly or keep people at arm’s length—can significantly affect our emotional health and how we build bonds. That worry about being alone, for example, can cause people to bend over backward to keep others close, sometimes at their own expense. On the other hand, I knew someone who scored high on keeping distance and realized they were pushing people away without meaning to, creating the very loneliness they feared.

The Relationship Profile Test

Grab some paper or just keep track in your head. Answer each of the following 30 statements honestly based on how you generally feel. The questions are grouped into two main themes—dependency and overindependence—but you don’t need to worry about that while answering. Just focus on what feels true for you.

Use the following scale for your answers:

• 1 = Not at all true
• 2 = Slightly true
• 3 = Somewhat true
• 4 = Mostly true
• 5 = Completely true

1. Criticism from others easily hurts my feelings.
2. I feel better about myself when people like me.
3. I often take the lead in group situations.
4. I prefer to keep my distance from others emotionally.
5. I worry about being alone.
6. I feel uncomfortable making decisions without others’ input.
7. I avoid getting too close to people to protect myself.
8. I need reassurance from others to feel good about my choices.
9. I enjoy being independent and not relying on anyone.
10. I feel anxious if someone disapproves of me.
11. I prefer doing things on my own rather than with others.
12. I often seek others’ opinions before acting.
13. I don’t like sharing my feelings with others.
14. I feel worthless if someone rejects me.
15. I’m comfortable being a follower rather than a leader.
16. I avoid long-term commitments in relationships.
17. I feel secure only when others approve of me.
18. I like taking charge in social situations.
19. I keep people at a distance to avoid disappointment.
20. I need others to validate my worth.
21. I prefer to handle problems without involving others.
22. I worry about losing people who are close to me.
23. I feel uneasy when people get too emotionally close.
24. I often ask for advice before making decisions.
25. I don’t mind being on my own for long periods.
26. I feel better when others take the lead.
27. I avoid deep emotional connections to stay safe.
28. I need others’ approval to feel confident.
29. I’m happiest when I’m independent of others.
30. I feel upset if someone criticizes my actions.

How to Score Your Test

Now that you've answered all the questions, it's time to calculate your scores. You’ll split the questions into two categories: Dependency (D) and Destructive Overindependence (DO). It is very important to follow the instructions carefully, especially for the reverse-scored items.

Dependency (D) Scale Questions:

This scale has 18 questions in total. Two of these questions need to be reverse-scored.

• Standard Questions: 1, 2, 5, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 15, 17, 20, 22, 24, 26, 28, 30
• Reverse-Scored Questions: 3, 18

Destructive Overindependence (DO) Scale Questions:

This scale has 12 questions. None of these are reverse-scored.

• Questions: 4, 7, 9, 11, 13, 16, 19, 21, 23, 25, 27, 29

Calculating Your Scores:

1. Reverse-Score First: For questions 3 and 18, you need to flip the score. This is a crucial step. If you answered 5, it becomes a 1. If you answered 4, it becomes a 2. A score of 3 remains 3. A 2 becomes a 4, and a 1 becomes a 5. It's interesting to see how people balance independence with needing support, and these questions help capture that dynamic.
2. Calculate Dependency (D) Score: Add up your scores for the 18 Dependency questions (using your new, reversed scores for questions 3 and 18). Then, divide that total sum by 18 to get your average D score. Your result will be a number between 1 and 5.
3. Calculate Destructive Overindependence (DO) Score: Add up your scores for the 12 Overindependence questions. Then, divide that total sum by 12 to get your average DO score. This result will also be a number between 1 and 5.

Interpreting Your Scores

What do the numbers mean? Most people score around 2 to 3 on both scales. These scores are not judgments, but insights into your relational style.

For your Dependency (D) Score:

• A score of 1-2 suggests low dependency. You are very independent, self-reliant, and may not often seek support from others.
• A score around 3 indicates a healthy, balanced interdependence. You are comfortable relying on others when needed but are also capable of functioning autonomously. This is often considered the "sweet spot."
• A score of 4-5 suggests high dependency. You may have an excessive need for support, approval, and validation from others, and might struggle with making decisions on your own.

For your Destructive Overindependence (DO) Score:

• A score of 1-2 suggests low overindependence. You are generally open to closeness, comfortable with emotional intimacy, and don't actively push people away.
• A score around 3 indicates a moderate level of caution regarding closeness. You may be somewhat guarded but are still capable of forming deep connections.
• A score of 4-5 suggests high overindependence. You may actively avoid deep emotional relationships to protect yourself from potential hurt or disappointment, keeping others at arm's length.

This test isn’t about saying you’re doing relationships "wrong"—it’s like a mirror showing you how you instinctively approach closeness and autonomy. I’ve seen people use these results to notice they’re too focused on pleasing others or, conversely, that they are pulling back just when a relationship could deepen. If your Dependency score is high, you might benefit from working on trusting your own decisions and building self-worth from within. If your Overindependence score is high, perhaps you could try letting someone in a little bit more, sharing a small vulnerability to see that connection can be safe. Dr. Bornstein’s research shows that finding a healthy balance between these tendencies leads to more fulfilling, stable relationships and better overall emotional well-being. Try it out and see what your scores reveal. It might just give you a powerful new perspective on how you connect with the people around you.

References

• Bornstein, R. F., & Languirand, M. A. (2003). The Relationship Profile Test: A self-report measure of dependency and self-criticism. Journal of Personality Assessment, 80(1), 61–74. This paper introduces the 30-item test, detailing its development from earlier dependency scales and providing evidence for its reliability and validity in assessing relationship styles.