I’ve always been curious about what makes relationships feel truly close—not just the big romantic gestures, but the everyday stuff that binds two people together. There’s a well-known psychological framework called the Relationship Closeness Inventory, developed by psychologists Ellen Berscheid, Mark Snyder, and Allen Omoto, who spent years studying how emotions and behaviors shape our connections. It’s not about whether you and your partner are “perfect”; it’s about understanding the degree to which your lives intertwine. This inventory focuses on three core components of closeness: the frequency of your interactions, the diversity of activities you do together, and the strength of your influence on each other's thoughts and dreams.

The version below is an expanded adaptation inspired by their research, designed to make you notice the little things that matter in a relationship. It has 82 questions split into four parts and takes about 10-15 minutes if you answer honestly without overthinking. The first part asks about the time you spend with your partner. The second part is about what you do together. The third dives into how your partner affects your thoughts, feelings, or behavior. The fourth looks at how they shape your future plans and goals. You answer most questions on a scale from 1 to 7 (from “strongly disagree” to “strongly agree”), while others ask for frequency or specific choices, which will be noted. For some questions marked (R), the scoring is reversed, which we’ll handle later. Just think about your current romantic partner and answer what feels true.

Part 1: Time Spent Together

1. My partner and I spend a lot of time together alone.
2. We often spend time with mutual friends or family.
3. I feel we don’t have enough time together. (R)
4. We make time to talk or connect daily.
5. We spend most of our free time apart. (R)

That question about free time? I’ve seen couples realize they’re drifting because they’re not intentional about being together.

6. How many hours do you spend together alone in a typical week? (Answer 0-50+ hours, estimate and note the number.)
7. How often do you see each other in person? (1 = rarely, 7 = daily)
8. We prioritize being together over other commitments.
9. I feel lonely even when we’re together. (R)
10. We spend quality time together regularly.

Part 2: Shared Activities

11. We share a lot of hobbies or interests.
12. We do household tasks together, like cooking or cleaning.
13. We rarely do fun things together. (R)
14. We enjoy trying new activities as a couple.
15. How many activities do you do together regularly? (Answer 0-10+, note the number.)

I remember a couple I worked with who scored low here and started a weekly game night. It changed their dynamic.

16. We often exercise or play sports together.
17. We share similar tastes in entertainment, like movies or music.
18. We don’t have much in common when it comes to leisure. (R)
19. We plan outings or trips together.
20. We enjoy doing routine things together, like grocery shopping.
21. How often do you engage in shared hobbies? (1 = never, 7 = very often)
22. We have rituals or traditions we do together.
23. We rarely talk about our interests with each other. (R)
24. We spend time on creative projects together.
25. We don’t share any regular activities. (R)

Part 3: Influence on Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior

26. My partner’s opinions shape how I see things.
27. I feel emotionally connected to my partner.
28. My partner’s mood affects my mood.
29. I don’t think about my partner much when we’re apart. (R)
30. My partner inspires me to be a better person.

That inspiration question is big. I’ve seen couples light up when they realize how much they push each other to grow.

31. My partner’s values influence my decisions.
32. I feel anxious when my partner is upset.
33. My partner’s presence makes me feel more confident.
34. I rarely consider my partner’s perspective. (R)
35. My partner helps me understand my own emotions.
36. How often do you discuss your feelings with your partner? (1 = never, 7 = always)
37. My partner’s actions influence how I behave.
38. I feel disconnected from my partner emotionally. (R)
39. My partner’s feedback helps me improve myself.
40. I don’t feel influenced by my partner’s thoughts or feelings. (R)
41. My partner’s happiness is important to my own.
42. I change my behavior to avoid upsetting my partner.
43. My partner encourages me to try new things.
44. I don’t feel my partner understands me. (R)
45. My partner’s opinions matter a lot to me.

Part 4: Influence on Future, Goals, and Plans

46. My partner and I share the same long-term goals.
47. My partner’s plans affect my future decisions.
48. I don’t see my partner in my future plans. (R)
49. We discuss our dreams and aspirations together.
50. My partner’s career goals influence my own plans.
51. How often do you talk about your future together? (1 = never, 7 = very often)
52. I feel our futures are intertwined.
53. My partner’s choices don’t affect my goals. (R)
54. We make major decisions together.
55. I feel uncertain about our future as a couple. (R)

I’ve seen couples with low scores here start having deeper talks about their plans, and it brought them closer.

56. My partner supports my personal goals.
57. I adjust my plans to align with my partner’s.
58. I don’t think my partner’s goals are compatible with mine. (R)
59. We plan our finances together.
60. My partner motivates me to pursue my dreams.
61. I feel my future is independent of my partner’s. (R)
62. We share a vision for our life together.
63. My partner’s ambitions inspire my own.
64. I rarely consider my partner when planning my future. (R)
65. We make sacrifices for each other’s goals.
66. How important is your partner in shaping your future? (1 = not at all, 7 = extremely)
67. My partner’s plans make me rethink my priorities.
68. I feel our goals are growing apart. (R)
69. We talk about growing old together.
70. My partner’s dreams feel unrelated to mine. (R)
71. We plan major life events together, like moving or starting a family.
72. I don’t feel my partner supports my ambitions. (R)
73. My partner’s influence makes my future feel brighter.
74. I make plans without considering my partner. (R)
75. We share similar values about the future.
76. My partner’s goals limit my own. (R)
77. We encourage each other to pursue big dreams.
78. I feel uncertain about my partner’s role in my future. (R)
79. My partner and I align our life goals regularly.
80. My partner’s plans don’t affect my life direction. (R)
81. We make compromises to support each other’s futures.
82. I feel my partner is essential to my life’s purpose.

That’s all 82 questions. To score, follow these steps. For most questions, use your 1-7 scale answers directly. For questions 6 (hours) and 15 (activities), convert your estimate to the 1-7 scale using this guide:

• 0-5 hours / 0-1 activities = 1
• 6-10 hours / 2 activities = 2
• 11-15 hours / 3 activities = 3
• 16-20 hours / 4 activities = 4
• 21-25 hours / 5 activities = 5
• 26-30 hours / 6-7 activities = 6
• 31+ hours / 8+ activities = 7

For all questions marked (R), you must flip the score: a 1 becomes a 7, a 2 becomes a 6, a 3 becomes a 5, 4 remains 4, 5 becomes 3, 6 becomes 2, and 7 becomes 1. After adjusting all scores, add them up and divide the total by 82 to get your average score, which will be between 1 and 7.

What does your score mean? A score of 1-3 suggests low closeness—your relationship might feel distant or lacking in shared connection. A score around 4 is average, where many couples land, with some areas of strength and others that might need work. A score of 5-7 indicates high closeness, showing a deep, varied, and strong bond. This inventory can also highlight specific areas that are stronger or weaker: time together, shared activities, emotional influence, and future alignment.

This test is not a verdict on your relationship—it’s more like a map showing where your connection shines and where it could grow. I’ve seen couples use it to notice they’re not spending enough quality time together or that they need to talk more about their future. If your score is lower than you’d like, don’t panic. Closeness builds through small, intentional steps. As Berscheid, Snyder, and Omoto's research showed, closeness grows when you actively invest in time, activities, and mutual influence. Try it and see what your score reveals. It might spark a valuable conversation with your partner or help you notice what already makes your relationship special.

References

• Berscheid, E., Snyder, M., & Omoto, A. M. (1989). The Relationship Closeness Inventory: A model for measuring the closeness of personal relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 57(5), 792–807.
  Annotation: This is the foundational academic paper that introduced the Relationship Closeness Inventory. It outlines the theoretical model of closeness based on interdependence theory, defining it through the dimensions of frequency (time), diversity (activities), and strength (influence) that shape how much two individuals' lives are intertwined.