Self-harming, punishing yourself for feeling anger

Blog | Adolescent psychology

Alice: I need to tell you that I did it again...

She looks straight in my eyes waiting for my reaction, I do understand immediately what she's talking about.

Therapist: What happened? What caused it?

Alice: Nothing, I don't know...I just wanted to

Therapist: Tell me how the day went before you came to it.

Alice: I went to school, nothing new...then got home, my father called then I went to bed.

Therapist: what did your father say?

Alice: He wanted to know how school was going, with my grades etc. I didn't want to talk to him, he never cares..hadn't called me in 3 months and now he calls to ask about my school grades.

Therapist: You got angry then..what happened during and after the phone call?

Alice: (raise her voice) Nothing! I replied with yes and no, he got angry because I don't make any effort to have a relationship with him. Then my mother got angry because he is trying and I am not helping him!

Therapist: So it is your fault that your father is not present in your life, you shouldn't be angry with him for this and you should also help him with his effort to make up for it. Do you think this is right?

Alice: (crying) no!

Therapist: so you went into your room and cut yourself to release the anger on yourself. Does it sounds right to you?

Alice: no its not.. but it is exactly what happened.

This is an example of what I hear continuously in my daily practice with teenagers, they get punished for feeling. Especially unpleasant emotions, especially emotions directed to parents. They were taught to punish themselves when they get mistreated, they don't recognize anymore when it is right or wrong to get angry. this leads to an incredible amount of guilt that can only be released via self-harm.

Compassion and psycho-education, a bond in which they can feel safe in feeling is what prevents and stops the behavior. Recognize and honor their scars, inside and out is what has proved to be the best approach in this kind of situations.

Pain has to be honored, pain has to be seen, felt and recognized before it could be let go.

Author: Claudia Adami

06 September 2025

What are the benefits of a free consultation?

Getting to know the psychologist: You can talk to the psychologist to see if they are a good fit for you in terms of their work style, personality, and specialization.

Defining the problem: You can describe your problem in detail and get qualified advice from the psychologist, which will help you better understand the nature of your problem.

Developing a plan of action: You can get recommendations on how to solve your problem, which methods and approaches may be the most effective.

Feeling supported: You can get emotional support and feel that you are not alone, because the psychologist will listen to you attentively.

Who is a free consultation suitable for?

Those looking for a psychologist: A free consultation can help you make the right choice, as you can talk to several psychologists before making a final decision.

Those who are unsure whether they need psychotherapy: A free consultation can help you understand whether psychotherapy can help you solve your problem and whether it is right for you.

Those who have a limited budget: A free consultation is an opportunity to get qualified help from a psychologist for free, to see if you need further psychotherapy.

Those who may be nervous or hesitant to start psychotherapy: A free consultation gives you the opportunity to overcome your fear of the first meeting with a psychologist, get answers to your questions, and feel more confident.

Important:

A free consultation is not a substitute for psychotherapy.

In a free consultation, the psychologist cannot give you a final diagnosis or prescribe treatment.

The purpose of a free consultation is to help you determine if a psychologist and psychotherapy are right for you, and to give you the first steps to solving your problem.

Potential benefits of a free initial consultation

During this first session: potential clients have the chance to learn more about you and your approach before agreeing to work together.

Offering a free consultation will help you build trust with the client. It shows them that you want to give them a chance to make sure you are the right person to help them before they move forward. Additionally, you should also be confident that you can support your clients and that the client has problems that you can help them cope with. Also, you can avoid any ethical difficult situations about charging a client for a session in which you choose not to proceed based on fit.

We've found that people are more likely to proceed with therapy after a free consultation, as it lowers the barrier to starting the process. Many people starting therapy are apprehensive about the unknown, even if they've had sessions before. Our culture associates a "risk-free" mindset with free offers, helping people feel more comfortable during the initial conversation with a specialist.

It's important to note that the initial consultation differs from a typical therapy session:

It can last from 15 to 30 minutes, with the specialist determining the appropriate length for this introductory meeting.

The free initial consultation is not intended to be a full therapy session. It is an opportunity for the client to learn more about the specialist and their approach to therapy, and to decide whether they want to work together.

The specialist should set clear boundaries for the free initial consultation, including the length of the session and the topics that can be discussed.

The specialist should be prepared to answer questions from the client about their experience, training, and qualifications.

The specialist should not give specific advice or recommendations during the free initial consultation. This should be done during a paid session.