If you're reading this, chances are you're wrestling with the shadows of your own childhood, trying to understand how to finally let go of resentment toward your parents. We have previously touched on the deep roots of intergenerational trauma, and now, it's time to shift from theory to practice. The path to healing is complex, but understanding the pressures that shaped our parents—and the new pressures that shape us—is the first crucial step.

The Three Pillars of Modern Parental Anxiety

The "modern parent" began to emerge around 2010, standing on the foundation of two distinct generational values. From one side, there's the inherited drive from previous decades: the absolute necessity of providing a child with financial stability. But from the other, a new, powerful trend has taken hold: the goal of raising a child as a fully realized individual, to help them maximize their unique potential. While the path to financial security is straightforward—work hard, earn money—the roadmap for nurturing an individual is anything but clear. There is no accumulated wisdom for this, no empirical evidence passed down through generations.

This uncertainty gives rise to a distinctly modern parental neurosis, a constant, nagging question: Am I doing this right? This anxiety is supported by three powerful pillars.

1. The Deluge of Contradictory Information
   The information space is flooded. Experts, both real and self-proclaimed, emerge constantly, offering advice that often cancels each other out. One expert, following Maria Montessori, insists you must never punish a child. Another, citing Masaru Ibuka, the co-founder of Sony, declares in his bestseller, After Three, It's Too Late, that you must teach a child everything possible from infancy. Then, the philosopher Rudolf Steiner’s methods suggest teaching children nothing formal until age seven.
   
   Should you play classical music to your pregnant belly? Is a C-section robbing your child of their first lesson in resilience? This cacophony of conflicting "rules" creates a paralyzing environment where every choice feels like a potential mistake, a future trauma in the making.
2. The Performance of Social Media
   Social media amplifies our insecurities in every aspect of life, and parenting is no exception. We scroll through curated feeds of seemingly perfect mothers who manage four children without a nanny, shuttling them between sculpting, solfège, and tennis, all while preparing for a school project with a home projector to show their support.
   
   After witnessing this digital parade of parental perfection, it's easy to look at your own day—a simple drop-off and pick-up from school—and feel a crushing sense of inadequacy. You start to wonder, "Am I a terrible mother? Am I denying my child a brilliant future by not enrolling them in Italian lessons at age six?" This constant comparison is the second pillar of parental neurosis.
3. The Rise of Hyper-Parenting
   Over the last century, as families have become smaller, the investment in each child has grown exponentially. This has been mirrored by a societal and legislative shift toward hyper-parenting. The underlying idea is that intense oversight and protection are beneficial for a child's development.
   
   In some countries today, it's illegal to leave a child under 16 home alone. Think back just 20 or 30 years. Many of us walked to school by ourselves after the first day. Today, it’s common to see parents escorting children well into their middle school years. This relentless trend toward increased supervision—this hyper-parenting—is the third pillar, trapping modern parents in a cycle of over-involvement and anxiety.

Finding a Foothold in the Noise

Before we delve into healing old wounds, it’s vital to put the first pillar—information overload—into perspective. Most parenting concepts, even those from credentialed child psychologists, are ultimately just well-reasoned opinions. It is impossible to conduct a definitive scientific study on parenting. We can't populate one island with 20,000 newborns raised by one method and another island with a control group, then compare their life outcomes at age thirty.

Therefore, any concept, no matter how logical it seems, is an idea, not an undisputed fact. The one notable exception, which has withstood decades of academic scrutiny, is John Bowlby's attachment theory. Since the 1970s, this theory has been rigorously studied in universities worldwide. Authors who build their work on this foundation, such as Gordon Neufeld, offer the most grounded and reliable perspectives. Their advice is built on a scientifically supported understanding of the parent-child bond.

Re-examining the Resentments of the Past

To overcome resentment, we must first understand its source. Let's look at some of the most common grievances held by adults who grew up in the latter part of the 20th century and see them through the lens of that era.

• They took my savings. A parent collecting a child's money and then spending it on family needs feels like a betrayal today, a violation of personal property. But for generations raised in a collectivist system, the concept of "private money," especially within a family, was foreign. The family was a unit, and its resources were communal. Your parent wasn't trying to hurt you; from their worldview, they were acting normally.
• They never praised me. In many societies of that time, the family and the state were co-parents. The family provided for basic needs, while the state—through school, youth groups, and public ceremonies—was responsible for praise and recognition. You earned your accolades on the public stage, not at the dinner table. Your parents weren't praised by their parents either; it simply wasn't seen as their role.
• They forced me into the wrong career. When massive economic and political systems collapse, survival becomes the primary parental duty. The focus shifts from "what career will make you happy?" to "what career will feed you?" They weren't dismissing your dreams out of cruelty; they were desperately trying to secure your future in an uncertain world, using the only model they knew: choose one profession and stick with it for life.
• They used physical punishment. By today's standards, hitting a child is indefensible. It is unequivocally harmful. But we must remember that norms are shaped by the culture we consume. In old films from that period, it wasn't uncommon to see a "good," positive father character disciplining his son physically. This was portrayed not as abuse, but as a normal, if unpleasant, part of upbringing. The media reflected and reinforced this as a societal norm.
• They were obsessed with "What will others say?" In a collectivist society, the group is paramount. The "we" is far more important than the "I." Your behavior reflected on the family, the community, and the collective. This deep-seated value was passed down, even as the world around them was changing.
• They devalued my dreams. "Calm down, that's not for you. Don't stand out. Be a quiet little gray mouse." This attitude stemmed from two places. First, the collectivist ideal that discouraged individualism. Second, a genuine lack of examples of astronomical success. Who were the role models? Not global entrepreneurs like Elon Musk, but celebrated farm workers or diligent party officials. The universe of possibility was simply smaller, and parents advised their children based on the world they knew.

Forgiveness Through Irrelevance

After examining this, we must ask: Were your parents’ actions correct by today’s standards? No. Do you have a right to feel hurt by them? Absolutely. But does this mean they didn't love you? No. They acted as they were taught, within the limitations of their own development and the norms of their time. They did the best they could with the tools they had.

Now, as an adult speaking to other adults, the questions change. What is the purpose of carrying this resentment? What would you lose if you let it go? In psychology, the most powerful form of "forgiveness" isn't a grand, magnanimous act. It's the loss of relevance.

Think of a time in kindergarten when another child dumped a plate of porridge on your head. At that moment, it was a tragedy. But are you still offended by it today? No. The event has lost its relevance. The same can happen with the wounds inflicted by our parents. By understanding the context of their actions, we can recognize that these events, while painful, are no longer relevant to the adult we are today. They don't have to define you. You have the power to decide that their relevance has expired.

The True Path to Harmonious Parenting

No matter what parenting systems you study or what books you read, if you haven't worked through your own internal conflicts, these efforts will fall short.

Consider a mother who can passionately discuss the most sophisticated parenting theories. One moment she is speaking of conscious discipline and reward systems. The next, after her son has a minor tussle with another child, she erupts. She grabs him, and while frantically putting on his shoes, hisses, "We only love ourselves. Other people are dirt." All the theories vanish, replaced by a raw, unhealed wound from her own past.

The moral is simple yet profound. The best way to be a good parent is to first become a harmonious person. Work on yourself. Address your own conflicts. When you find inner peace, you will be able to communicate harmoniously with the world, and you will naturally find an intuitive, balanced way to raise your child. You won’t need a library of books to guide you; your own well-being will be your compass. And that is a worthy goal for all of us.

References

• Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
  This foundational work by John Bowlby explains how the early bond between a parent and child creates a "secure base" from which an individual can thrive. It directly supports the article's emphasis on attachment theory as a scientifically grounded approach to understanding parenting and its long-term effects.
• Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2004). Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. Ballantine Books.
  Co-authored by a developmental psychologist and a physician, this book explores the critical role of the parent-child connection in today's world. It expands on attachment theory to address modern challenges, arguing that a strong parental bond is the best defense against the negative pressures of peer culture and societal anxieties discussed in the article.