It often starts with a subtle shift. A long-married woman suddenly seems to blossom, carrying a new light in her eyes. The easy assumption is that she’s found a lover. But why does an affair have such a profound effect? And what does its appearance truly signal about the state of her primary relationship?

Before diving in, we must first dismantle the age-old myth that women are inherently monogamous while men are polygamous. The reality is far more complex. The human heart, regardless of gender, has a vast capacity for connection, and when a primary relationship leaves crucial needs unmet, those needs don't simply vanish. They seek fulfillment elsewhere.

Interestingly, there’s often a key difference in strategy. Men tend to find mistresses far from their social sphere, creating a separate, walled-off world. Women, conversely, are more likely to find a lover within their existing social circle—a family friend, a colleague, or an acquaintance the husband knows well. This isn’t just about convenience; it speaks to the very nature of what she is seeking.

The Lover as a Structural Support

At its core, the logic behind an affair is the same for both men and women because it’s not about gender—it’s about the structure of the relationship itself. Imagine your relationship is a house. When the foundation cracks and the walls begin to tilt, an affair can emerge as an external prop, a support beam that holds the structure up and prevents total collapse.

From this perspective, a lover or mistress isn't the wrecking ball; they are a symptom of a house that was already crumbling. The third person steps in to perform a function that has gone missing within the marriage. The technology is the same, but the reasons—the specific functions they fulfill—are often starkly different for men and women.

What He Seeks vs. What She Seeks

What do men and women typically look for outside their marriage?

A man often seeks understanding and rest in a mistress. He wants a quiet harbor, a place where he can feel heard and appreciated without judgment. His mistress becomes a sort of sanctuary, a place for recreation and restoration away from the pressures of his primary life. He goes there to recharge his batteries.

A woman, on the other hand, most often seeks romance and intensity. She craves the thrill of being desired, the recklessness of a secret, and the validation of being seen as beautiful and breathtaking. An affair for her is not about rest; it's about mobilization. It’s about feeling alive again. She wants the grand gestures, the stolen glances across a crowded room, the playful texts, and the feeling that she is the center of someone’s universe. This desire for high-stakes emotional drama is perhaps why a lover from a shared social circle is so common—it heightens the game, the risk, and the excitement.

This fundamental difference in motivation leads to very different consequences for the family unit. A man returning from his mistress often comes back "rested." He has offloaded stress and gained energy, which he can then reinvest in the family. This is why some men can maintain a double life for years; the system, in its own dysfunctional way, is balanced.

For a woman, the opposite is true. She returns from a date with her lover emotionally spent, in a state of withdrawal. She has poured her feelings, energy, and vitality into the affair. The family doesn't get the overflow of a recharged woman; it gets the depleted shell of one who has already given her best elsewhere. In this sense, a lover is often harder for the family structure to endure.

Preventive Measures in a Relationship

Understanding these dynamics is the key to prevention. An affair is never the cause of a marriage's breakdown; it is always the consequence of a breakdown that has already occurred. If a period of intense conflict in your relationship suddenly goes quiet without any real resolution, it's not a sign of peace. It’s a danger sign. It means an unmet need has likely been outsourced.

Resolving conflicts and actively meeting each other’s core needs is the only true "anti-lover" strategy.

For the Man: Be Her Romance

If a woman seeks a lover for romance, the preventive work is clear. Ask yourself:

• Do I make my wife feel like the most beautiful, desired woman in the world?
• When was the last time I brought her flowers for no reason?
• When was the last time I flirted with her or went out of my way to make her laugh?
• Do I pay attention to her emotionally and physically, ensuring she feels seen and satisfied?

This isn’t about grand, expensive gestures. Lovers rarely buy their women luxury cars. They offer bouquets, but they present them with a passion and focus that makes a woman feel cherished. This kind of attention is priceless.

For the Woman: Be His Resort

If a man seeks a mistress for rest and restoration, the preventive work lies in becoming his sanctuary. Ask yourself:

• Can my husband truly relax with me?
• Am I a source of calm and restoration for him, or another source of stress?

There’s a story of a couple who built a successful business together through immense effort. After grueling days, the husband would simply lay his head on his wife's chest for half an hour. He said that in those moments, he regained all his strength. She was his resort. Being able to offer your partner a space to recover from the world isn't about submission; it's about providing the deep, restorative comfort that is the bedrock of a lasting partnership. What truly saves a relationship is not mastering exotic techniques, but the ability to be a safe harbor for your partner.

Suggested Reading

• Glass, Shirley P. (2003). NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Free Press.
  Dr. Glass, a renowned researcher on infidelity, explains how most affairs are not born from a search for sex but from an emotional connection that crosses a line. She details how women, in particular, are often drawn into affairs to fulfill unmet needs for emotional intimacy, validation, and companionship. Her "walls and windows" analogy (pp. 41-44) is especially relevant, showing how partners in trouble build walls between them while opening windows to outsiders.
• Perel, Esther. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Harper.
  This book masterfully explores the complex motivations behind affairs. Perel argues that when people stray, they are not always turning away from their partner but are often turning toward a new version of themselves. She discusses at length how affairs can be a reaction to a loss of identity, a longing for novelty, or a search for an emotional intensity and romance that has faded from the primary relationship (Chapter 4, "The Meanings of Adultery: What Are We Looking For?", pp. 91-125).