There's a moment in some relationships that feels like the ground shifting beneath your feet. It's the sudden, quiet realization that your partner needs the relationship less than you do. This thought isn't just a fleeting insecurity; it's a signal of a profound imbalance in the relationship's dynamic, a "crisis of significance" that can unravel the connection you've built.

The Imbalance We're Taught to Expect

We've all seen relationships where one partner is clearly more invested than the other. In many ways, culture not only recognizes this imbalance but actively encourages it, especially in the beginning. Think of the classic romantic comedy plot: a woman is content with her life when a charming suitor appears and begins a grand pursuit, which she gracefully accepts. Society frames a man actively pursuing a woman as normal, even desirable. A woman in that same role, however, is often seen as desperate or "doing something wrong."

This dynamic sets up a pre-existing imbalance. To understand it, we can think of significance in levels:

• High: Love
• Medium: Sympathy
• Moderate: Interest
• Zero: Indifference
• Negative: Dislike

The traditional script suggests that a man should begin with feelings somewhere between love and sympathy, while the woman he pursues is expected to feel something between interest and indifference. This is why an unrequitedly in-love man is often portrayed as a romantic hero; he can act on his feelings through pursuit. An unrequitedly in-love woman, constrained by the same social norms, is often left to suffer in silence, a far more tragic figure.

How the Tables Turn

While society may approve of the man's initial pursuit, it often sanctions a complete reversal of this dynamic as the relationship matures. Years later, you might hear a woman confiding in a friend about her difficult, emotionally distant husband. When she says, "He doesn't look at me anymore, but I'm carrying this relationship for us," her friend might reply, "You're such a strong woman!" This praise validates a new imbalance—one where she is now the one holding things together.

The real crisis begins when the partner with less significance becomes painfully aware of their position and refuses to accept it. It doesn't matter if the more significant partner is aware of their privilege. The moment the less valued person recognizes the disparity, a struggle for equilibrium begins. This struggle typically unfolds in one of two ways.

Scenario 1: A Matter of Priorities

First, one must ask: Is my low significance because my partner doesn't value me, or because they don't value relationships in general? For some people, a romantic partnership sits far down the list of life's priorities, well after career, hobbies, friends, and self-development. Their life simply isn't improved by a deep romantic connection.

If you are with someone like this, you can fight for more significance, but you are unlikely to win. This is a fundamental aspect of their personality, and it is not about you. While it's possible they might change over time, it's not something you can force. The choice, then, becomes yours: accept your low significance, wait for a change that may never come, or leave.

Scenario 2: The Shifting Power Dynamic

A classic scenario involves a woman who, after a decade of raising children and being financially dependent on her husband, starts her own career. In the early years, there was a clear imbalance of power. Her role was to obey, and her opinion was rarely sought. Her significance was low.

But now, with her own income and a growing sense of autonomy, she begins to demand an equal say. This inevitably sparks conflict. Her husband, accustomed to being the sole decision-maker, struggles to see her as a person with independent needs and desires. She, in turn, must fight to establish her newfound standing in the relationship. This isn't just a disagreement; it's a battle for recognition and a rebalancing of significance.

Infidelity: The Search for Validation

When this feeling of low significance is left to fester, it can lead to infidelity. A partner who feels unseen and unappreciated by their spouse may seek validation elsewhere. A lover can provide everything that is missing at home, whispering the exact words the person has longed to hear: "I regret every moment I spent before I met you." This external validation is intoxicating. Suddenly, they feel seen, valued, and significant.

Interestingly, this dynamic often plays out differently based on gender. A woman who feels she has a medium to high level of significance in her relationship is typically satisfied and not looking elsewhere. However, for men, any major deviation from a balanced dynamic can be a risk factor. A man with low significance may cheat to find validation, but a man with high significance—who is adored and catered to—may cheat to seek even more admiration. For women, feeling valued is often enough. For men, it seems that only a balanced state of significance truly fosters faithfulness.

Practical Steps Toward Balance

If you feel your significance in your relationship is lower than your partner's, consider these steps.

1. Reduce Your Investment. Start by pulling back the amount of effort you're pouring into the relationship. If your partner notices and steps up, they are demonstrating that they value you. If they don't notice, you've simply reclaimed precious time and energy for yourself.
2. Meet in the Middle. A relationship is a bridge between two people. Imagine there are 20 steps separating you. A healthy dynamic requires each person to walk 10 steps. If you've walked your 10 steps and are left waiting, don't walk the remaining 10. Turn around and walk away. You cannot build a bridge alone.
3. Invest in Yourself. Redirect the energy you were once spending on the relationship back toward your own growth and well-being. Investing in yourself is the one investment that always yields a return.

Ultimately, the goal is balance, both in your relationship and within yourself.

References

• Waller, W. (1938). The Family: A Dynamic Interpretation. The Dryden Press.

  This book introduces the "Principle of Least Interest," a foundational concept in sociology. Waller argues that the person who has the least interest in continuing a relationship holds the most power within it. This directly supports the article's central theme of how imbalances in need and significance create power dynamics that can lead to crisis. (Particularly relevant in Chapter 11, "The Bargaining Process in Mating").

• Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Harper.

  Psychotherapist Esther Perel explores the complex motivations behind infidelity. She argues that affairs are often less about sex and more about a longing for a new or lost sense of self. This aligns with the article's point that infidelity can be a desperate search for significance and validation when a person feels invisible in their primary relationship. (See Chapter 3, "Why We Stray: The Allures of the Forbidden").

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

  Dr. John Gottman's extensive research identifies the key habits of successful couples. One of his core principles is "turning toward" each other's bids for connection. This relates to the article's discussion of significance, as consistently ignoring a partner's bids is a clear sign of low valuation and a predictor of relationship decay. The practical recommendations about meeting in the middle echo Gottman's findings on the importance of mutual effort and responsiveness.