The boundary is often blurry and subjective. What one person perceives as exploitation, another might see as a fair exchange. Let's explore four common scenarios where this dynamic plays out, examining the spectrum from genuine use to healthy collaboration.

1. The Currency of Power

This first dynamic involves individuals who hold, or once held, positions of authority. A common lament from a former boss might be, "The ink wasn't even dry on my resignation letter, and everyone turned their backs on me. The same person who eagerly wished me a happy birthday a few months ago now walks past without a hello. After all I did for their career, this is the thanks I get."

It's tempting to label this a clear case of being used, but the situation is more nuanced. While you were in a position of power, did you not also benefit from the flattery and deference of subordinates? ("Good morning, Mrs. Davis! You look wonderful today!"). You used that person to affirm your own authority. Perhaps you did help them advance, but you also likely enjoyed the feeling of bestowing favor from a high perch. It's a distinct kind of satisfaction.

It all comes down to expectations. If you believe people admire you solely for your intrinsic personal qualities, you will expect that affection to remain after the power is gone. The subsequent silence will feel like a cruel betrayal. However, if your expectations are grounded in reality—if you understand that much of the attention is directed at your position, your resources, and your ability to improve others' lives—then you won't feel so used. As the old fable reminds us, flattery will always find a corner in the heart. The key is to ensure it occupies just a corner, not the entire residence.

2. The Sphere of Special Interests

The second type of use occurs within a specific context or activity. People might only call you to go to the theater, grab a beer, have sex, play squash, or go fishing. You eventually realize you've been cast in the role of a "co-participant" for a particular interest, and you can't seem to break out of that box.

Imagine overhearing a conversation between two women after a play. One says, "Please call me sometime. We see each other so rarely, and only for shows." The unspoken reality is that she probably won't get that call until there are more tickets available. She is being used as a companion for cultural events.

Does she have a right to feel used? Yes, especially if she desires a deeper connection. But let's look at it from another angle. Is she truly suffering? She gets to enjoy free shows a few times a year. Here again, it’s about managing expectations. She is being used, but if she can adjust her view of the "friendship" to that of a cultural companionship, the arrangement can be perfectly fine.

The same principle applies to relationships built solely on physical intimacy. Two people can have incredible chemistry in the bedroom, but any other form of interaction might be a disaster. It's like a bottle filled with oil and water. As long as you're shaking it, the contents appear to mix into a single, beautiful emulsion. But the moment you set it down, the two elements inevitably separate, revealing their fundamental incompatibility. Is one person using the other? Only if one expects a declaration of love under the moon while the other is just there for the physical connection. If both understand and accept the terms, they can continue to "use" each other in this sphere of special interest until one or both decide to move on.

3. The One-Way Street

This third form of use is about giving far more than you receive. In this dynamic, every interaction seems to require an action from you. You are contacted to provide help, a service, or a solution to a problem. Once your task is complete, the other person’s interest in you vanishes until the next time they need something.

Unlike the first two types, where you might gain a sense of power or enjoy a shared activity, this type demands direct effort from you to solve someone else's problems. The knee-jerk advice might be to cut such people out of your life. But that’s a simplistic approach. First, if people consistently seek your help, it’s a sign that you possess a valuable competence. Second, you can attempt to shift the dynamic into a more reciprocal format: a service for a service.

Consider a doctor who is constantly being called by casual acquaintances for free medical advice. Here are three ways the same scenario can unfold:

• Case 1: Being Used
  "Hello! Long time no see. You have a what? On your where? Okay, send me a picture... No, relax, it’s not the plague. I'll text you the name of a solution and an ointment. Use them three times a day. It should clear up in a few days. Call me anytime if it gets worse. Glad I could help! Bye."
• Case 2: Attempting to Set Boundaries
  "Hello! Yes, it has been a while. A pimple? You know, it’s funny you called. I’m having a couch delivered this Saturday and could really use a hand assembling it... Oh, you’re busy? I see. Well, about your issue... I can't diagnose from a photo, we have new regulations. You'll have to see a dermatologist. Such a shame you’ll miss your weekend trip. Call me if you need anything else. Bye."
• Case 3: Establishing Reciprocity
  "Hello! Great to hear from you. Actually, you're just the person I wanted to talk to. I'm having a couch delivered this Saturday and need help putting it together. Can you help? Fantastic. Do you have a toolset you could bring? Perfect. Now, what was it you called about? A pimple? Sure, send me a photo, let’s take a look."

In the third case, a transaction of service for service occurs, and everyone benefits. Of course, you must find the courage to ask for something in return. This was a concept the protagonist of Bel Ami could never grasp; he was wired only to take, not to engage in a fair exchange, which ultimately contributed to his troubles.

4. The Human Radio

The fourth type might seem the most benign, but with the wrong expectations, it can be the most draining. We'll call this person "The Radio." In any conversation, they do all the talking. If you try to share an opinion or a story, they either interrupt you or sit with a bored expression, waiting for you to finish so they can jump back in with, "Well, for me it was like this..."

They are the star of their own show, and the world is their audience. The conversation exclusively orbits their problems, their experiences, and their opinions. This is exhausting for the listener because the talker is relieving their own psychological tension by venting, while you, the listener, are absorbing it all and increasing your own.

Are they using you? Absolutely. But is the only solution to cut them off? Not necessarily. This is where the psychological concept of normalization comes in. Sometimes, our own problems feel catastrophic until we hear that others are going through the same thing. You might think, "My marriage is falling apart! My job is terrible!" But after listening to a "Radio," you might conclude, "Actually, my situation is pretty normal in comparison."

To make this dynamic work, you must manage your expectations. Accept that this person will never pass you the microphone. Don't wait for it. Instead, manage the broadcast. You can steer the conversation. If you're worried about your own relationship, you can interrupt their work monologue and ask, "Wait, tell me more about what's going on with your husband." They will likely perceive this as sincere interest and happily switch topics. You get the normalization you need, and they get the stage.

You can also turn the radio off. Once you've heard what you need, end the conversation. A simple, "Oh, I just remembered I have to make an urgent call, I'll talk to you later," is all it takes. Listening to people’s problems is hard work; if you're going to do it for free, make sure it's for a limited time and serves a purpose for you as well.

Final Thoughts

As we've seen, every scenario of being "used" can have vastly different outcomes depending on our perspective and actions. The feeling of being exploited almost always arises when our expectations of a person exceed what they are willing or able to give.

1. Manage Your Expectations. If you possess a resource—be it power, money, or a specific skill—understand that some people will be drawn to the resource, not to you. When the resource is gone, so are they. Don’t mistake a crown for a halo.
2. Find Your Benefit. Instead of immediately cutting people out of your life, first ask yourself if there's a way to make the relationship mutually beneficial. Sometimes the benefit is obvious (like theater tickets). Other times, you need to be proactive and ask for what you need in return. Discarding human connections is the easiest solution, but it is rarely the most effective or wisest strategy.

References

• Derber, C. (1979). The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Individualism in Everyday Life. Oxford University Press.
  This book introduces the concept of "conversational narcissism," which directly supports the description of "The Radio." Derber argues that in many social interactions, individuals compete for attention, often steering conversations back to themselves. This provides a sociological and psychological framework for understanding why some people dominate conversations and how the listener is effectively "used" as an audience.
• Foa, U. G., & Foa, E. B. (1974). Societal Structures of the Mind. Charles C. Thomas Publisher.
  This work is a cornerstone of Social Exchange Theory, which posits that social behavior is the result of an exchange process. The aim of this exchange is to maximize benefits and minimize costs. This directly relates to the article's themes, especially "The One-Way Street" and finding mutual benefit. The theory explains human relationships through a cost-benefit analysis, suggesting that balanced, reciprocal exchanges (a "service for service") are more stable and satisfying (particularly explored in chapters 2 and 3).
• Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
  This influential paper argues that the desire for connection is a fundamental human motivation. The pain of being "used" or cast aside, as described in the article's examples, can be understood as a threat to this basic need. The article explains how failed expectations in relationships with colleagues ("The Currency of Power") or friends ("The Sphere of Special Interests") can lead to feelings of social exclusion and emotional distress, confirming that the stakes in these social dynamics are tied to our core psychological needs.