The role of women has undeniably transformed. Where once the focus was primarily on home and family, the spheres of work and career have now been added, creating a new set of expectations and a new kind of burden. It’s a profound shift. We've seen women gain the right to education and the right to vote—a right that, astonishingly, wasn't granted in Switzerland until 1971. Today, women are increasingly present in politics and government, leading countries and corporations. Standards have even emerged where companies can be denied loans if their boards lack female representation.

The data supports this progress. Studies suggest that when women’s participation in peace negotiations increases, the resulting agreement is over a third more likely to last at least 15 years. Some research even indicates that a mere 5% increase in the number of women in parliament can decrease the likelihood of the country resorting to conflict fivefold. These are powerful statistics. Yet, this progress comes with a quiet cost. To compete and lead in systems often built by men, women may feel pressured to adopt traditionally masculine modes of thinking and behaving. Can a woman retain her innate essence when she must operate this way? The responsibilities of care—for children, the home, and aging parents—still fall disproportionately on her shoulders.

This leads to a fundamental conflict. Research from 2022 showed that 60% of women aged 25-45 experience significant stress and anxiety about their children's future and about meeting societal standards. The constant internal question—Am I doing enough? Am I a good enough mother, partner, professional?—fuels a pervasive anxiety. Legally and socially, women are freer than ever to do what they want. But the more critical question is: do they know what they truly want? Can they find themselves amid the noise of expectations?

The Epidemic of Exhaustion: When Rest Isn't Enough

The most common issue that surfaces is chronic fatigue. But this isn't the kind of tiredness that a good night's sleep can fix. There's a crucial difference between fatigue and exhaustion, much like the difference between hunger and anorexia. Hunger is cured by eating; anorexia is a complex condition that food alone cannot solve. Similarly, fatigue is relieved by rest, but exhaustion is a state where rest no longer helps.

American researcher Emily Nagoski, in her book Burnout, explains that women often carry the physiological effects of stress for longer periods. When a stressful event ends for a man, his cortisol levels tend to drop relatively quickly. For a woman, that stress hormone can continue to simmer, keeping her body in a prolonged state of high alert. This elevated cortisol can weaken the immune system and alter metabolism, leading to a host of physical problems with skin, hair, digestion, and gynecological health. Michelle Obama wrote about this in her book Becoming, describing how the immense pressure of her role as First Lady led her to lose her own bearings. It took a long period of psychotherapy for her to feel she could release some of her duties and find herself again.

For those feeling this profound exhaustion, a simple but powerful first step is to examine your daily activities. Identify one thing you do not because you want to, but because you feel you have to—to meet an expectation, to avoid judgment, or to be seen as "good." Then, give it up. Practice shows that this single act of liberation can significantly reduce the feeling of burnout.

Stop Waiting for a Savior: Becoming the Author of Your Life

Another common trap is waiting for someone else to come and change your life—a husband, a boss, even a psychologist. It's the belief that happiness is conditional, something that will arrive after an external event: "When the children grow up, then I'll live for myself." But life doesn't wait. Many women find themselves in a painful situation when their children mature. After dedicating her life to her child, a mother might offer advice, only to be met with a startling response: "Mom, what makes you think you can give me advice? You haven't built your own career or a happy personal life. You sacrificed everything for me, but I never asked you to. I'm grateful, but don't hold your sacrifice over my head. I have my own life to live."

The author of Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert, famously rejected a life that was socially correct but personally hollow. She left behind her conventional success to find herself, beginning a process of experiencing her own emotions and doing what she wanted. This kind of "reasonable selfishness" is not a fault; it is a necessity.

To escape this state of waiting, you must become the author of your life, not just a reader. Think about one small ritual you can add to your day that is purely for you. It could be a quiet cup of coffee, a half-hour with an easel and paints, or dancing in your living room. Infusing your day with just 30 minutes of something that brings you genuine joy can, over time, change your entire outlook. Start living now.

Are You Living a Borrowed Life?

Often, in an attempt to fit in, we end up living someone else's life. We adopt the values and follow the paths laid out by our social circles, our parents, or cultural stereotypes. These are "introjections"—ideas and beliefs we absorb from the outside world and accept as our own without question. We do things because they are considered proper, moral, or what a "good woman should do."

Consider J.K. Rowling. She was a single mother living on welfare, but in the moments her child slept, she sat in a café and wrote Harry Potter. It was the one thing she could do to escape a difficult reality. It was what she wanted to do. In that act, she didn't just transform her own life; she changed the world.

Our childhood dreams are a powerful source of authentic desire, created before pragmatism and social pressure took hold. It can be incredibly therapeutic to revisit them. Ask your family what you dreamed of as a child. Making one of those pure, unadulterated dreams come true, no matter how small, can unlock a tremendous amount of personal energy.

The Perils of Patience: When Endurance Becomes Self-Destructive

There's a cultural narrative that women are more patient, that they can endure more pain and tolerate more unhappiness. A woman might tolerate a difficult relationship, a stressful living situation, or a deep sense of personal discontent, believing it's her role to be strong and patient. But this endurance has a price. Over time, it turns inward and can manifest as psychosomatic illness.

The American Psychological Association has published research indicating that for women aged 35-55, this very "patience"—along with unexpressed emotions and frozen grief—is a primary cause of depression. In her memoir Wild, Cheryl Strayed described how she broke out of a deep depression following her mother's death and a divorce. She chose a radical path: hiking 1,700 kilometers alone along the Pacific Crest Trail. It was a critical act of reclaiming herself by facing nature, overcoming physical obstacles, and finally moving away from her patient, unhappy life.

Perhaps it's time to stop being so patient. Express your emotions. Psychotherapy offers techniques for this, like writing a letter to someone you're angry with (even if they are no longer here) or mentally apologizing to someone you've wronged to release guilt. But other outlets, like sports, can also be a powerful release.

Picturing Your Happiness: Creating an Album for Your Future

Many people have a detailed album of their past, filled with memories. But very few have a clear, vibrant album of their future. What does your happiness look like? How do you see your ideal future? The philosopher Carlos Castaneda wrote about a technique taught to him by Don Juan: "stopping the internal dialogue." This internal chatter is the work of our conscious, logical mind, which is heavily influenced by social conditioning about what is practical, acceptable, or profitable.

To find your authentic vision, you must quiet that voice. Ask yourself what you want, but instead of answering in words, allow the answers to appear as images, like a movie created by your unconscious mind. Give yourself permission to fantasize without limits. Imagine anything is possible. Where would you live? What would you do? Who would you be with? We read fairy tales to children to foster this very imagination. Where did that ability go? It’s time to allow yourself to dream again.

The Energy Ledger: Are You in Debt to Yourself?

Women are often raised to be givers—of care, time, and energy. But this must be a balanced exchange. If a woman consistently gives more to the world, her family, and her partner than she receives, she can operate for a time on an internal battery. But around the age of 40, that battery often runs out. If she continues to exist in an energy deficit—lacking care, security, or affection—she begins to borrow from her own health. This is when burnout shifts from a mood problem to a serious physical health crisis.

It is vital to audit your life. What people and activities give you energy? And what—or who—takes it away? It might be a demanding job, but it could also be a friendship that consists of you constantly absorbing someone else's negativity. You cannot help everyone, especially those who find a strange comfort in being unhappy. Take stock of who gives you energy and who drains it. Are you in the red? If so, you must restore the balance before you borrow from the one thing you can't replace: your health.

Happiness is not a final destination; it's a process. It is a choice, not a gift. Allow yourself the right to want, the right to feel, the right to make mistakes, and the right to be happy. Take your life into your own hands and become the author of your story. You only have this one life. You have the right to live it fully.

References

• Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. Ballantine Books. This book provides the scientific backbone for the article's discussion of exhaustion and the stress cycle. It details how the physiological stress response differs in women and explains why they are more susceptible to burnout. It elaborates on the concept that completing the stress cycle—not just removing the stressor—is crucial for well-being.
• Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (2000). The role of rumination in depressive disorders and mixed anxiety/depressive symptoms. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 109(3), 504–511. This academic article supports the point about the dangers of "frozen grief" and unexpressed emotions. Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema was a leading expert on rumination—the tendency to repetitively focus on the causes and consequences of one's problems. Her research demonstrates how this cognitive style, which is more common in women, is a major predictor of depression, confirming the article's claim that unexpressed or unresolved negative feelings can lead to serious mental health issues.
• Gilbert, E. (2006). Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia. Viking Press. While a memoir and not a scientific study, this book is a primary cultural touchstone for the themes of self-discovery and rejecting a socially-prescribed life. It serves as a real-world example of the article's central thesis: that true happiness often requires abandoning external expectations to embark on a personal quest for what genuinely brings one joy and meaning.