It's a tangled mess, seemingly impossible to unravel. We often find it’s easier to destroy a relationship than to repair it. But perhaps it could have been prevented. It's not always a character trait; sometimes, it feels as if it’s woven into our very being. Chemistry fades, that's a given, but what should remain are the bonds of the relationship, the trust, and the respect. Love, I believe, is always in spite of, not because of.

What can truly destroy a relationship? The stark reality of statistics is what prompts this question. In some countries, for every ten marriages registered in a recent year, there were seven divorces. This doesn’t mean seven of those ten new couples are doomed, but it does point to a sea of relationships, past and present, that couldn't weather the storm. A divorce isn't just a legal stamp on a piece of paper; it’s a profound psychological and emotional event. It has become so common we no longer bat an eye when someone is on their second or third marriage, but this frequency doesn't lessen the emotional weight.

Any breakup sends ripples through friendships and partnerships. It's an emotional wringer, a division of friends, a constant echo of past hurts or, perhaps even more painfully, a reminder of bright moments that will never be again. It is regret. It is conflict. And it almost always stems from a fundamental misunderstanding, a deep dissatisfaction on at least one side, but more often on both. It’s rarely one person’s fault. When a relationship unravels, both partners have played a part. Let's look at the mistakes in thinking and behavior that lead to this point. Let’s talk about the things that can destroy a relationship, because if we had paid attention, perhaps we could have prevented the end.

1. The Silence Between Words: A Lack of Real Communication

The first mistake is a lack of communication, but this doesn't just mean silence. It means the quality of the conversation is poor. We smooth over rough edges, ignore problems, and keep our dissatisfaction quiet. Statistics suggest that a majority of divorces happen because unspoken issues and resentments pile up until a critical mass is reached, making it easier to demolish the relationship than to even begin repairs.

Why does this happen?

• Ignoring "minor" problems. We think, "It's small, not worth an argument." But the first, second, and tenth time adds up. These grievances accumulate, a slow drip of stress we carry with us. One person feels a pang of resentment, the other a twinge of guilt. A simple conversation—an explanation, an apology—could have resolved it.
• The assumption that your partner should just know what you want. You grew up in different families, with different rules and norms. You were drawn to each other because you were different. Imagine a young woman, on the verge of tears a week before her wedding. Her fiancé did something she found unimaginable. When she confronted him, he was genuinely confused. "You grew up in a strict, rule-based family," he explained. "I grew up in a family of doctors where my parents had opposite schedules. It was normal for them to go out with their own friends. Why did you assume I'd think differently? You never told me how you felt about it." What can you say to that? He's right. You have to talk about your expectations. When they finally did, laying out how they envisioned their future, they built a foundation for a strong, happy family.
• Putting off important conversations. Couples who avoid discussing conflicts immediately are far more likely to suffer from deep-seated problems later. We think the issue will fade, but it doesn't. It lingers.
• A failure to truly listen. This means failing to hear with empathy, to try and understand. This often happens when one partner dominates the other, forgetting that a couple is a partnership, built on mutual respect and the right for each person to have a voice.

2. Invisible Fences: The Violation of Personal Boundaries

Nature created each of us as separate individuals. We have our own bodies, our own ideas of happiness. We close the bathroom door not because we are doing something wrong, but because it is a private act of self-care, a personal space. This need for space extends beyond the physical. Everyone needs a corner of their life that is theirs alone—a hobby, a journal, a phone that isn't subject to random checks. If your partner feels entitled to search your phone, you should think carefully about the foundation of your relationship. Taken out of context, a single text message can be completely misconstrued. Respecting that private space is fundamental.

Ignoring your partner's desires and emotions is another form of boundary violation. When you don't remember their dreams, when you repeatedly do something you know hurts them, you are sending a clear message that their feelings don't matter. And then there's the habit of controlling your partner's actions. This control can be cleverly disguised as an innocent desire to "help." But "let me help you" can often mean "I want to be a witness, I want to control what you do."

Give your partner the freedom to have a hobby, a circle of friends, or even an occasional trip that doesn't involve you. You don't have to be attached at the hip. "I want to see this movie, but you can't make it? I'll go with a friend." This should be a normal, healthy conversation, not a reason for offense. In fact, you both benefit. When your partner goes out and engages with the world, they bring back new energy, new ideas, and new experiences that enrich you both.

3. The Weight of Old Wounds: The Inability to Forgive

Resentment is a poison to relationships. It's also a trigger for a host of psychosomatic illnesses. Studies show that an inability to forgive is a primary reason a staggering number of marriages end within the first five years. The first mistake here is the accumulation of resentment. We don't discuss things in the moment. One hurt piles onto another until it’s an impossible tangle of negativity. You might not even remember the original offense, just the feeling of being wronged, over and over.

The second mistake is expecting your partner to realize their mistake on their own. Why should they? They may have a completely different worldview or come from a culture with different norms. We cannot expect others to read our minds or understand our unspoken rules.

And the last, most crucial part, is the inability to let go of the past. In his popular book The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman writes that failing to forgive creates insurmountable barriers. Making mistakes is human. Everyone has the right to err. The real danger lies in not learning from them, not changing after seeing the hurt they've caused. If a couple agrees to forgive an issue and move on, then that issue must be laid to rest. It no longer exists. Both people must learn their lessons and move forward without holding the past over the other's head.

4. The Critic's Curse: A Lack of Support and Praise

A study once showed that persistent criticism within a couple severely erodes trust and diminishes the emotional well-being of both partners. It becomes uncomfortable to simply exist when you feel you could be judged at any moment. This often manifests as constant comments about appearance or actions. This isn't just a bad habit; it can be linked to a person's underlying disposition, sometimes even a genetic predisposition toward dissatisfaction. If there are constant reasons for criticism, it may be that you and your partner are simply looking in different directions. Love isn't just looking at each other; it's looking in the same direction.

A person who is constantly criticized loses self-confidence. This insecurity bleeds into all aspects of life—work, friendships, and especially intimacy, creating a vicious cycle of new complaints and deeper self-doubt. Another damaging behavior is ignoring your partner's successes. When a couple is on the brink of divorce, a powerful exercise is to remember why they fell in love. I often suggest they each list ten things they respect or love about the other. As they write, their posture changes. They sit a little closer. They remember. Love is a kind of trance where you overlook flaws. A breakup is its own trance, where you can only see the bad. The only way out is to consciously remember the good.

And finally, there is the constant comparison to others. Nothing wounds pride more than hearing, "Look at her," or "Look how he handles things." You chose this person. This implies an exclusivity, a sense that your partner is beyond comparison. Love, true love, is in spite of flaws—in spite of the fact that she isn't a supermodel, or he isn't a millionaire. You love them despite their imperfections, not because they are perfect.

5. Echoes in an Empty Room: Ignoring Your Partner's Needs

When your partner's desires and needs remain unfulfilled and unacknowledged, it creates a vast emotional distance. This happens when one partner is constantly focused on their own interests, believing their values and activities are paramount. A partnership is about two people in an equal relationship, not a subordinate one.

It also happens through a simple lack of attention to a partner's emotions. You don't have to agree with every feeling, but you cannot ignore them. To see that your partner is unhappy and do nothing is a profound form of neglect. And then there is the intimate sphere. Research has consistently shown that couples who can openly discuss their needs, including sexual ones, report much higher levels of relationship satisfaction and emotional attachment. A lack of satisfaction in this area is a significant source of stress and depression, which can spill over into every other part of the relationship.

A mentally healthy person does not ignore another's pain. If someone learns how their actions make you feel and still refuses to change, then what they have for you is anything but love. You cannot force someone to change. All you can do is state your own feelings honestly: "When you do this, I feel happy. When you do that, I feel hurt." For a person who loves you, there is no greater incentive to change than that.

References

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  This book is based on decades of research observing couples. It outlines the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" for relationships: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The discussion on criticism (pp. 113-125) directly supports the article's fourth point, explaining how it differs from a complaint and why it is so destructive to love and trust.
• Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Northfield Publishing.
  While known for its central concept of love languages, the book also emphasizes the importance of forgiveness as a conscious act of love. Chapter 12, "Loving the Unlovely," touches on the idea that true love involves forgiveness and moving past failures, which aligns with the article's third mistake concerning the inability to forgive and let go of the past.
• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery.
  Brené Brown's research on vulnerability, shame, and empathy provides a strong foundation for understanding many of the article's themes. The concepts of setting boundaries (a core theme in the book) and the corrosive effect of blame and shame are highly relevant. Her work reinforces the idea that authentic communication and emotional exposure are essential for building resilient, trusting relationships.