Many people are asking how to save their marriage. In a world full of turmoil, the desire to hold on to what is familiar and once cherished is a powerful one. But before we ask how to save it, we must first ask a more difficult question: should it be saved?

I’ve heard the familiar words, "There's nothing left between us. We don't feel anything for each other; we're just living for the kids." My response is always the same: do not try to save your marriage for the sake of the children. The greatest gift we can give our children is our own happiness. Children are like emotional barometers; they are incredibly sensitive and register everything, the good and the bad. They hear the arguments, they feel the tension, and they live within the silent, cold war. It is better to offer them two separate examples of happy individuals than one constant example of a miserable union.

The Myth of a One-Person Rescue

There is a fundamental dynamic at play in any relationship crisis. Imagine one person is safely in a boat while another is drowning in the water. The one in the boat can only save the drowning person if that person makes an effort to be saved. If they remain limp, resisting rescue, the person in the boat risks capsizing, and both will be lost. It is impossible to save a marriage if only one person wants to. A marital problem is rarely the fault of a single individual; it is almost always the result of the dynamic between two people. To varying degrees, both partners contribute to the breakdown, and therefore, both must be involved in the repair.

The Bus Stop and the Bus: Are You Heading in the Same Direction?

People often believe they are united by shared problems or a common history. We might think, "I have a good salary, you have a nice apartment," or "We went to the same school." But this is like two people standing at a cold bus stop. They are united by the fact that they are both freezing. One might have a heavy bag, and the other might offer to help carry it. They have a shared discomfort and a shared past. But when the bus arrives, they will only get on it together if they are going in the same direction.

The only sustainable motive for two people to be together is a common goal. As the great married couple, the Roerichs, once said, “Love is not when you look at each other. Love is when you look in the same direction.” You cannot build a future on a foundation of shared problems or history alone. Only shared goals allow you to see the world in the same way, to value the same things, and to have a common point of view. Without it, the same wind that feels like a supportive push from behind to one person will feel like a harsh, biting force to the other. Your goals determine your perspective.

Navigating the Storm: Practical Rules for Difficult Times

When emotions are running high, our judgment is clouded. Never make life-altering decisions in a state of emotional turmoil, what the legal field calls a "state of affect." If the conflict is overwhelming, consider living separately for a while to let the emotional dust settle.

Secondly, the best way to destroy what’s left of a marriage is to turn the bedroom into a battleground. The bed is for intimacy, rest, and play. It should never be a place for work discussions, and certainly not for arguments. Those late-night fights and early-morning recriminations are toxic. You wake up exhausted, with a negative emotional residue, often not even remembering the specifics of what was said, only the pain it caused.

If you feel the relationship is truly ending, do not obliterate it completely. Leave the practical matters to lawyers. Let them argue over the details while you and your partner strive to maintain a basic level of decency and respect. How you act during this time matters immensely. Behave in a way that you will not be ashamed of later. A dignified separation leaves the door open for future reflection and perhaps even reconciliation, not out of obligation, but out of a genuine change of heart. Never, under any circumstances, speak ill of each other to others. These are irreversible actions that will burn every bridge. You will regret it.

The Trance of Love and Conflict

It is vital to understand that love is a kind of trance state. When we fall in love, our brain produces an image of a person that isn't always what our eyes see. A woman might say of her partner, "He's a good man. Don't listen to others. I know him," even when all evidence points to the contrary. She sees him as she wants to see him. In this trance, we see only the good.

Conflict creates the opposite trance. When a relationship is breaking down, we often forget all the good and remember only the bad. The mind fixates on grievances, replaying them on a loop until they obscure everything else. To break this spell, a simple exercise can be profoundly effective: each person should write down 10 qualities they once loved and admired in the other. As you write, you might notice a shift in your feelings, a flicker of the respect and affection that once was. It's a way to force a more balanced perspective, to remember that the person before you is not a monster, but a human with whom you once shared something beautiful.

Ultimately, you must communicate your pain directly and vulnerably. Switch from accusations to expressions of feeling: "When you did that, it hurt me." The response to this statement is a crucial test. If your partner tries to understand and change their behavior, there is hope. If they dismiss your feelings or refuse to adapt, then whatever is holding you together, it may not be love.

A marriage should not be the last legal form of slavery. If it feels like a cage, it is not a partnership. But if being together expands your possibilities, if it makes each of you stronger, if it adds to your freedom rather than subtracts from it, then it is a powerful and productive union worth fighting for—but only if you are both fighting for the same thing, and looking in the same direction.

References

• Gottman, John M., and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books, 2015.
  This book is based on decades of research observing couples. It directly supports the article's emphasis on shared goals and constructive communication by outlining principles like "creating shared meaning" and "solving your solvable problems." It provides a practical framework for understanding why some relationships succeed while others fail, moving beyond abstract ideas to actionable advice (See Chapter 6: "Create Shared Meaning").
• Hetherington, E. Mavis, and John Kelly. For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. W. W. Norton & Company, 2002.
  This landmark study challenges the conventional wisdom that staying married is always better for children. Hetherington's research demonstrates that children in high-conflict, intact families often fare worse than children of divorced parents who manage to co-parent effectively. This provides strong academic backing for the article's opening argument against staying in a miserable marriage "for the sake of the children" (See Part III: "The Children of Divorce").
• Hendrix, Harville. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin's Griffin, 2008.
  This book introduces the concept of the "Imago," which aligns with the article's description of love as a "trance state." Hendrix explains how we unconsciously seek partners who mirror the unresolved issues from our childhood. The book's focus on structured, empathetic dialogue as a path to healing directly corresponds to the article's advice to express hurt constructively and work towards mutual understanding, rather than blame.