When a child wants to take control, it can feel like a battle of wills. We see defiance, caprice, and tantrums. We react with frustration, convinced we have a “difficult” child on our hands. But what if we’re looking in the wrong place? More often than not, a child's emotional outburst is simply a reflection of our own behavior and a desperate attempt to communicate something vital. Before we can change their behavior, we must first understand the profound psychological reasons behind it.

The Unspoken Reasons for the Struggle

A child’s need to gain the upper hand is rarely about pure defiance; it’s a reaction to an environment. He might be exhausted from a dynamic where he is always talked down to, always positioned as the subordinate. This isn't a calculated grab for power but a reaction against the constant feeling of being powerless.

This behavior is also how a child can demand attention when they feel invisible. If their needs for connection are not met through positive interaction, they will find other ways. A tantrum is a loud, clear signal. If that signal is ignored, do not be surprised if the next stage is physical illness. Psychosomatic issues often begin when a child’s emotional needs for care, interest, and respect go unanswered. They are, in a sense, taking revenge for the emotional void.

Shifting the Dynamic: A New Way to Communicate

The path forward begins with a fundamental shift in our approach, moving from a position of authority to one of connection.

Treat Them with Respect. What seems like a trivial issue to us can be monumental to a child. Dismissing their feelings as a "made-up excuse" invalidates their entire emotional world. Their perspective is their reality, and it deserves to be acknowledged.

Lower Your Voice and Your Body. The tone we use often matters more than the words we say, especially during a moment of high emotion. A child in the middle of a tantrum primarily hears the sound of our voice, not the content of our lecture. Instead of raising your voice, try the opposite. Lean in and speak quietly, even in a whisper. Sit down, so you are at their eye level. This simple physical change removes the intimidating height difference and signals that you are an ally, not an adversary. It tells them you are ready to talk with them, not at them.

Keep it Simple. When a child is hysterical, their mind is flooded. They cannot process long, complex sentences. Use short, simple phrases with pauses in between. This gives them a chance to think, feel, and respond, turning a potential monologue into a genuine dialogue.

Follow Through on Your Word. Trust is built on consistency. If you have set a consequence, you must be prepared to enforce it. If you’ve agreed that the cat will have to find a new home if he isn't cared for, and the child fails to uphold his end of the bargain, then the cat must disappear. The same applies to toys, screen time, or any other agreement. This isn't about punishment; it’s about demonstrating that words have meaning and that you are a reliable person who honors commitments.

Communication Traps and How to Avoid Them

Effective communication also means recognizing what not to do.

• Avoid the "No" Trap. Instead of a blunt "no," find alternative ways to phrase things. Frame requests and boundaries in a more positive or explanatory way.
• Don't Argue with a Tantrum. When a child is having a meltdown, their emotional brain (the limbic system) is in full control. Cortisol and adrenaline are high. They are biologically incapable of hearing your logic. Wait for the storm to pass.
• Check Their Basic Needs. Never try to have a serious conversation with a child who is hungry or exhausted. A hungry child needs food first. A tired child needs sleep. Important talks should happen when they are fed, rested, and refreshed.
• Eliminate Generalizations. Avoid phrases like "you always..." or "you never...". Such generalizations are a form of suggestion that distorts a child's perception of themselves and the situation. Focus on the specific event at hand.

We Are Their First Teachers

Ultimately, we must not forget that children do what we do, not what we tell them to do. They are constant observers, learning from how we treat our partners, how we react to stress, and how we speak about our friends when they leave the room. If we yell, they will learn to yell. If we speak disrespectfully of others, they will learn to do the same to us. The responsibility begins with us.

Physical connection is just as important as verbal communication. Give the body a chance to feel what the mind needs to know: that they are important, interesting, and loved. A child needs to be hugged multiple times a day—not as a reward, but as a basic need.

If a child is capricious, it isn’t a sign that they are badly behaved. It is a sign that the relationship of trust and respect has been broken. It is a signal that they do not feel safe, respected, and loved. This is our mistake to correct, and our loss to recover. The work of raising a child always begins with raising ourselves.

References

• Ginott, Haim G. (2003). Between Parent and Child. Three Rivers Press.

  This book supports the article's core principles of respectful communication. It emphasizes the importance of acknowledging a child's feelings without judgment, using language that preserves self-esteem, and offering choices instead of commands. The advice to "lean in and whisper" during a tantrum is a classic Ginott technique for de-escalating conflict and modeling calmness.

• Siegel, Daniel J., & Bryson, Tina Payne (2012). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Bantam.

  This work provides the neurological basis for the article's advice not to reason with a child during a tantrum. On pages 13-37, the authors explain the concept of the "upstairs brain" (the logical, rational part) and the "downstairs brain" (the primitive, emotional part). They detail how, during a tantrum, the "downstairs brain" takes over, flooding the system with cortisol and adrenaline, making logical discussion impossible. The book offers strategies for "connecting and redirecting," which aligns with the article's focus on connecting emotionally first.

• Gordon, Thomas (2000). Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.): The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children. Three Rivers Press.

  This book directly addresses the theme of moving away from an authoritarian parent-child relationship. It criticizes the use of power and imperatives ("you must," "you should"), arguing that they create resistance and rebellion. The author introduces methods like "Active Listening" to understand the child's underlying needs and "I-Messages" to express the parent's feelings without blaming the child, which reinforces the article's points about creating a respectful, two-way dialogue.