Ever dream of a life unshackled, where the weight of others' expectations simply lifts? Picture a sense of happiness that blossoms from within, nurtured by what truly matters to you, not by a script written by the world outside. It might sound like a distant utopia, but what if the complexities of life, the anxieties that gnaw at us, largely stem from a single, powerful source: our deep-seated concern for how others perceive us? This is a central theme explored in the impactful book "The Courage to Be Disliked," penned by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. They suggest that our life feels arduous only because we are the ones making it so, and the key to unlocking profound happiness lies in a single, brave act: embracing the courage to not be liked by everyone.

The Web of External Validation

Kishimi and Koga, drawing inspiration from the psychological insights of Alfred Adler, propose a thought-provoking idea: "All the problems in life are connected with the fact that we are too dependent on the opinions of others." Adlerian psychology views our being – body, mind, emotions, the conscious and the subconscious – as a unified whole, striving collectively towards a singular goal, even if this goal lurks beneath our conscious awareness.

Consider Lisa. From her earliest years, praise for academic achievements became her benchmark. Her driving purpose was to be seen as 'good' by her parents and educators. Yet, as she navigated adulthood, a disconcerting pattern emerged: even when she seemingly did everything 'right,' a persistent unhappiness lingered. The reason? Her goal, to gain approval, had inadvertently tethered her to living up to the expectations of others. As Kishimi and Koga explain, "We choose our own lifestyle: habits, emotions, thoughts, in order to achieve our goal." Lisa's chosen lifestyle, where her contentment hinged on external affirmation, became her gilded cage. This underscores a pivotal concept: your life's goals are the architects of your happiness. If your primary aim is universal approval, a path to discontent is almost guaranteed.

Why Your Goals Shape Your World

This line of thinking goes deeper. Our goals don't just steer our actions; they actually sculpt our emotional landscape. The sequence is often: first, an unconscious decision about what we want, followed by the generation of emotions conducive to achieving that end.

Imagine Peter, who aspires to a new job. He envisions the new role with excitement, but as an interview approaches, an overwhelming wave of anxiety cripples him, preventing him from preparing adequately, or even attending. Peter might tell himself, "If only I wasn't so anxious, I could get this job." However, Kishimi and Koga offer a different perspective: "His real goal is not to get the job, but to avoid the risk of failure." The anxiety, then, is not a random affliction but an emotion he has subconsciously manufactured to serve his underlying objective of sidestepping potential disappointment.

Reinterpreting the Past's Hold

A significant point the authors highlight is the challenge to the conventional wisdom that past traumas are the unshakeable determinants of our present happiness. Consider two individuals who both endured challenging childhoods. One remains ensnared in fear and a sense of isolation, while the other actively constructs a fulfilling life. The difference lies not in the trauma itself, but in the meaning each individual assigns to it. Kishimi and Koga assert, "We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences, but we ourselves create from them what is convenient for us. We ourselves determine the meaning of our experiences." The critical takeaway here is that you possess the agency to choose your response to your past; it does not unilaterally define your life—you do.

Unhappiness: A Chosen Strategy?

Kishimi and Koga posit a rather startling notion: "Unhappiness is a strategy that some people choose to achieve their goals." It seems counterintuitive, yet they argue that sometimes, unhappiness serves as a justification for our actions or inactions. Let's revisit Maria. Her frequent unhappiness, stemming from her core goal of seeking approval, flares when her work isn't met with praise from colleagues. This unhappiness, however, is presented as her choice. She uses it to reinforce a narrative: "I'm unhappy because I'm not appreciated." This narrative then excuses her from taking steps to change her situation; complaining becomes the default response.

"Your overall happiness in life depends on the goals you set in your relationships with others," the authors explain. These goals typically fall into two categories: the pursuit of approval or the aim to be useful. Those who find themselves chronically unhappy often gravitate towards the former, mistakenly believing that happiness is synonymous with being perceived as 'good.' But this is a precarious foundation, as approval is perpetually dependent on the shifting sands of others' expectations. The core insight is stark: misfortune is rarely an accident; it is often a deliberate, if unconscious, choice tied to the objective of pleasing others.

Breaking Free: The Perils of Chasing Approval

"The pursuit of approval is a road to nowhere," Kishimi and Koga state unequivocally. Firstly, you can never truly control what others think. Even if your actions are impeccable by your standards, someone, somewhere, will likely find fault or simply not resonate with you. Secondly, dedicating your life to chasing external validation means sacrificing your personal freedom. You begin to contort yourself to fit others' expectations, losing touch with your own authentic desires.

Imagine being an actor on a stage, desperately trying to cater to every single audience member's taste. One desires a comedy, another a drama. A third might have already walked out. The quest to please everyone is not only futile but also leads to a dilution of your own identity. As the authors phrase it, "Living in an attempt to guess how others feel and in fear of their judgment is a very unfree way to live. Why do you choose to be so unfree?" When this longed-for approval remains elusive, many capitulate, internalizing the belief: "I'm not good enough, hence I'm not liked." This rationale may shield them from the sting of potential rejection, but it simultaneously ensnares them in a cycle of unhappiness.

Furthermore, this relentless quest for approval doesn't just corrode your well-being; it also undermines your relationships. Unhappy individuals often perceive life as a competitive arena. Another's success can feel like a personal diminishment. If a friend receives a promotion and you don't, envy might overshadow any genuine happiness for them. This occurs because approval often operates like a zero-sum game: someone else's gain is perceived as your loss. Additionally, those who are unhappy tend to view relationships as transactional, built on sacrifice and the expectation of reciprocation. If you organize a surprise party for a friend, expecting gratitude and similar gestures in return, disappointment is likely if those expectations aren't met. Kishimi and Koga would suggest that the act wasn't purely for the friend, but for the anticipated approval; the subsequent feeling of being cheated arises from this unmet expectation.

Shifting Focus: The Power of Contribution

There is an alternative path. Instead of the exhausting pursuit of approval, the focus can shift towards making a meaningful contribution and providing value to others. Genuinely happy people discover joy in being useful. They are less preoccupied with others' opinions because their sense of worth is rooted in their actions and their positive impact.

Consider a mother who prepares daily meals for her family. She does so not for accolades, but from a place of care, knowing her efforts contribute to the well-being and happiness of her loved ones. She doesn't require external validation to feel valuable. Kishimi and Koga articulate this beautifully: "If you feel that you are useful, you will no longer need recognition from others. You will already know that you are useful." Happy individuals often believe their value is inherent in their very existence, understanding that by simply being present and authentic, they can bring joy and support to others. This allows for self-acceptance, imperfections and all. The transformative idea is this: happiness flourishes when you cease chasing approval and begin to make a difference, however small.

Embracing the Present and the Courage to Be You

Kishimi and Koga stress that happiness is not a distant destination requiring grand achievements; it is accessible here and now. It's about recognizing and appreciating the value in the present moment—perhaps the simple fact that colleagues offered help, or the warmth of a shared smile with a stranger.

Crucially, they urge: "Don't be afraid to be unloved. It is impossible to please everyone. And that's okay." This "courage to be disliked" is, in essence, the courage to be free. When you liberate yourself from the dependency on others' opinions, you start to live authentically, guided by your own compass, not by the variable winds of external expectations. The resounding message is to inhabit the present moment fully and to possess the courage to be unapologetically yourself, even if that means not everyone will approve.

Ultimately, the profound lesson is that happiness is a choice, and the courage to be disliked is the key to unlocking that choice. By redirecting your energy from seeking external validation to contributing authentically to your own life and the lives of others, you can break free from the fetters of expectation and step into true, unencumbered freedom.

References:

• Kishimi, I., & Koga, F. (2018). The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life, and Achieve Real Happiness. Atria Books.

  This book serves as the primary basis for the article, popularizing Adlerian psychology to explain how an individual can achieve happiness and freedom by changing their mindset about interpersonal relationships, goals, and the need for external recognition. The core arguments discussed—such as all problems being interpersonal relationship problems (Part 1, Chapter 3), the separation of tasks (Part 3, Chapter 2), and the concept of community feeling and contribution (Part 4, Chapter 3)—are detailed throughout the book.

• Adler, A. (1998). What Life Could Mean to You (Original work published 1931). Hazelden.

  In this accessible work by Alfred Adler himself, he outlines his fundamental ideas about human psychology. It supports the article's discussion on the meaning we give to experiences (Chapter 2: "Mind and Body"), the importance of social interest or "community feeling" over self-centered goals like seeking approval (Chapter 12: "Social Interest and the Meaning of Life"), and how our life-style is formed (Chapter 4: "Early Recollections"). The idea that unhappiness can be a chosen strategy to avoid life's tasks is also consistent with Adler's views on neurosis.

• Ansbacher, H. L., & Ansbacher, R. R. (Eds.). (1956). The Individual Psychology of Alfred Adler: A Systematic Presentation in Selections from His Writings. Basic Books.

  This comprehensive volume compiles Adler's major theoretical contributions. It provides deeper academic backing for concepts like the unity of the personality and the goal-oriented nature of human behavior (Part I, Section A: "Fictional Finalism and the Creative Self"), the idea that emotions are created to serve goals (Part II, Section B, Chapter 6: "The Function of Emotions"), and the principle that problems are fundamentally social (Part III: "Social Embeddedness"). The discussion on choosing how to respond to the past aligns with Adler’s views on the individual's creative power in shaping their life, rather than being determined by their past (Part I, Section A, Chapter 3).