The Unfortunate Romantic
Navigating romantic relationships has always been a challenging task for me. After all, this game of hearts, known as love, has no rules and knows no bounds. It takes me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It shows me that life is worth living, but at the same time, it can take away all my zeal for life when not reciprocated.
"Unfortunate romantics’ like me have a distorted understanding of love. My earliest childhood experiences with my parents have taught me that love is cruel and painful. If you don’t receive it, you must fight for it. It requires sacrifice. It is controlling. It evokes fear. As I, the unfortunate romantic, stepped into adulthood, I carried this fear with me in the name of love; fear of abandonment, fear of being judged, fear of being vulnerable, fear of not being loved, fear of loving someone too much or not enough.
I let this fear take over my life, avoiding commitments, vulnerability, and communication. I fooled myself into thinking that I was strong and independent and didn’t need anyone's love and help. While self-sufficiency and self-efficacy are necessary for navigating life and dealing with adversity, this sense of hyper-independence comes with a price. Sometimes it costs me healthy and meaningful relationships, other times my peace of mind.
This sense of independence and fear of being vulnerable stopped me from asking for help when I needed it. It stopped me from sharing my thoughts and emotions because of my fear of judgement. It gave me a false sense of pride and inflated my ego. “Since I am doing fine without any help, I don’t need any of it.” That was the belief I carried along with me for as long as I could.
When someone offered me affection, love, care, or help, I didn’t know how to receive it. Should I be thankful? But I didn’t ask for it. Should I reciprocate it? But what if they stop giving it to me when they see me reciprocating? Should I be worried about the other person's motives? But they seem nice and lovable. Are they going to leave me hurt? But what is love without hurt and pain? Isn’t that what Shakespeare was trying to convey in Romeo and Juliet—the destructive power of love? So many conflicting thoughts!! I craved affection constantly but avoided it at any cost because of my fear of getting hurt and hurting others.
It is astonishing to see the ugly form my emotions can take. Shouldn’t loving someone and caring for them be easy? Shouldn’t it come naturally to us humans, considering we are such an emotionally evolved species? I guess this is exactly the reason why our emotions are so complex and difficult to navigate at times. After all, there is no guidebook to help us know which feelings are valid, how to act in certain situations, or how to not let this fear take over.
So, what is the solution here? Or is there any solution? As I am moving through life, meeting new people, falling in and out of love, and understanding the complexities of love and relationships, I have found that there is no cheat code. I wish I could say that loving is easy, but it is not. We will make mistakes, fall for the wrong people, and might even get our hearts broken. That’s just the inevitable nature of love. But should it stop us from living the life we want and desire? Should it prevent us from opening our hearts to people? Clearly, no. Why? Because that's what being human is all about.
I often use my experiences as a guidebook. They help me introspect and retrospect, gain insight, and understand myself better. They make me aware of my unhealthy patterns and coping mechanisms, and they help me set boundaries and take accountability when required. It sounds easy, but it is not. I also relapse into old patterns occasionally. I mess up at times, like most of us. And that’s okay.
Loving is not a linear process; it has never been. It has its ups and downs. We are all just trying to figure it out along the way. I am writing this to let readers know that if you are struggling in love and relationships, you are not alone. It’s okay if you don’t have answers; none of us do.
The key lies in communication and being patient. Don’t hesitate to have honest and open communication whenever fears and insecurities creep into the relationship. Remember, your needs and feelings are valid. Reach out for help if these feelings get overwhelming. Talk them out. Write them down, cry them out, and laugh them off if you can. No feeling is permanent; feel them, sit with them for as long as it takes to truly absorb the lesson, and let them go.
