Most breakups don’t happen because something objectively went wrong. In fact, only about 10% of separations can be called objective. The remaining are deeply subjective — fueled by internal imbalances, unspoken expectations, and distorted perceptions. We often believe it’s about “too much emotion” or “lack of love,” but in reality, it’s often about something else: imbalance.

The Illusion of Stability

In one recent training, a case sparked deep discussion. A man claimed, “I am absolutely calm. She’s the one who’s overly emotional and unstable.” On the surface, it sounds like a simple personality clash. But most of the participants quickly sensed that this wasn't just about character. It was an imbalance — and they were right.

Interestingly, over time the man’s “calmness” flipped. He started shaking, panicking, acting out. His emotional state reversed. Was it too late to fix things? Surprisingly, no. The woman left, but similar couples have restored balance much earlier — not after 15 years of quiet resentment, but far quicker, once the roots were identified and addressed.

What Breaks Before the Breakup

Most relationships pass through phases of relative peace, where both people feel joy, even if they’re quietly nursing their own selfish patterns. These subtle self-focuses quietly grow. The attention shifts — from the partner to oneself — and that’s the moment things begin to unravel.

This is often invisible. A husband may be convinced that his wife won’t ever leave. He sees her as unattractive and possibly never even loved her from the start. Meanwhile, she overcompensates — doing everything to make him feel comfortable. But instead of gratitude, he feels suffocated. His response? Constant criticism, demeaning words, and cold detachment.

Misunderstanding Control and Suppression

At first glance, people assume this man is trying to destroy his wife emotionally. But this idea is off the mark. Most people don’t set out to harm — they act out of self-interest. He doesn’t want to “break” her — he simply wants to benefit from the dynamic without making changes in himself. He uses her to feel powerful, to boost his fragile self-esteem. And the more dependent she is, the more control he feels.

Two major distortions often fuel such dynamics:

• Over-responsibility: He believes she can’t function without him. He feels she’s dependent, stuck, and incapable of leaving.
• Subjective devaluation: He no longer sees her as valuable or attractive. She becomes a burden — a dull, loyal figure he chose instead of countless others who once caught his eye.

This is where the imbalance deepens. He belittles her to confirm his power, but the truth is — he’s scared to lose control. His ego is deeply tied to her dependence.

How Real Change Begins

What actually shifts the dynamic isn’t talking about the relationship or “trying harder.” Those conversations usually lead to more pain. They rarely restore balance; they often amplify the imbalance.

True change begins when the dependent partner stops trying to save the relationship and redirects focus inward. In this case, the woman met someone else — not because she was searching, but because she had finally shifted her attention. She began to feel desirable again. She stepped back. The emotional pressure disappeared.

That’s when everything flipped. The man who was once cold, dominant, and indifferent started calling, pleading, losing sleep. For the first time, he said he felt love. The woman, who used to cry and push, became emotionally calm. The entire emotional system reversed.

This isn’t a magical fix. It’s a painful and complex shift. But the principle is simple: once the pressure of need is gone, reflection begins. The person who once felt in control experiences anxiety, awareness, and sometimes genuine remorse.

Why People Rarely Talk About This

In psychological terms, these kinds of flips are well-documented. The person in the “strong” position often feels suffocated and panics when emotional air disappears. The “weaker” partner suffers deeply but is often the first to reflect and grow — because their survival demands it. When this pressure disappears, roles switch. Suddenly, the perceived “abuser” becomes the one begging for attention, and the perceived “victim” becomes more centered, confident, and independent.

The irony is that emotional clarity often emerges after detachment, not through effortful conversations or endless “relationship work.” As harsh as it sounds, statements like “I tried everything” often reflect a misunderstanding of what real work in a relationship looks like.

True work is not about draining yourself or trying to fix the other. It’s about turning off your own egoism and refocusing on the other person — not to control them, but to understand their experience.

What Actually Helps

Removing the imbalance requires two things:

1. Regaining independence — emotionally and financially. This doesn’t mean withdrawing love but ending the dependency that creates emotional suffocation. It creates space.
2. Restoring personal image — focusing on self-worth, not as a form of revenge, but as a return to self. This often brings back interest from the other person, because the dynamic has shifted.

When these two shifts happen, the imbalance resolves. It doesn’t always save the relationship, but it gives both people a clearer view of what they had — and what they need to change if they still want to be together.

In the story above, the man realized too late what he had lost. But his tears weren’t meaningless — they came from a place of awakening. Unfortunately, most people only understand love when they’re forced to face loss. What they called calmness was actually indifference, and what they called control was fear.

References:

• Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Hazelden Publishing. Beattie outlines how unhealthy patterns of over-responsibility and emotional dependency evolve in relationships and provides methods for regaining personal focus — directly supporting the concepts of emotional detachment and self-worth found in this article.
• Pines, A. (1996). Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures. Routledge. Pines explores emotional imbalance, power dynamics, and the psychological roots of emotional shifts in romantic relationships. Pages 110–117 specifically discuss how shifts in perceived dependency trigger emotional reactivity and awaken latent feelings.