Love! It's a simple four-letter word, yet it can evoke a wide range of emotions that can sometimes leave us feeling exhilarated, vulnerable, and confused. Love can be both easy and challenging to understand, and it can be quite a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Is love just a feeling that comes from certain chemicals in your brain, or is it something more?  

Let's explore the depth of this emotion together! There are many different theories about what love is and how it works. One of the interesting theories is called the ‘triangular theory of love’, developed by a psychologist named Robert Sternberg. Sternberg stated that love is made of three major components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. 

These three components can be combined in different ways to form different types of love. Simply put, the kind of love you feel for somebody can depend a lot on which components of love are present in that relationship. 

For instance, when intimacy and passion are combined, it takes the form of romantic love—the type of love you feel for the person you are dating. On the other hand, if only commitment and intimacy are present, it takes the form of compassionate love—the type of love you feel for your friends.

Consummate love is the type of love where all three components are present, although it can be quite rare to find. Sometimes, only a single component of love can also be present in relationships. However, according to Sternberg, relationships built on a single component of love tend to be less stable than those built on two or more components.  

Another fascinating theory is known as the ‘Attachment Theory of Love’. The foundation of this theory was laid by British psychologist John Bowlby. Bowlby stated that the kind of attachment or emotional bond a child shares with the primary caregiver or parents can significantly influence the romantic relationships formed later in life. According to this theory, attachment styles can be broadly divided into four types, which are:

1. Secure Attachment Style

When a child’s emotional needs are met and comfort is provided during times of distress, the child forms a healthy and secure bond with parents. Adults with a secure attachment style are trusting, warm, happy, and open to discussion about their feelings and thoughts in romantic relationships.  

2. Dismissive Attachment Style

Also known as the avoidant attachment style, this pattern of attachment indicates that the mother disregarded or ignored the emotional needs of the child. Adults with a dismissive attachment style can have trust issues, are distant, and struggle with forming a trusting and dependent romantic relationship. They often avoid intimacy to maintain a sense of independence. 

3. Preoccupied attachment style

Also known as the anxious attachment style, this attachment indicates inconsistent love and comfort from the mother’s side. The primary caregiver sometimes caters to the child's emotional needs, while at other times they are ignored. Adults with this attachment style crave love and intimacy but can be anxious about whether these needs will be met. They can be clingy, anxious, jealous, fear abandonment, seek validation from their partner, and often evaluate themselves in a negative light. 

4. Fearful Attachment Style

Also known as the disorganized attachment style, children with this attachment style become socially withdrawn and untrusting of others. As adults, they often see themselves as well as others in a negative light. They may prefer causal relationships and may want to stay in the dating phase for a long time because of their fear of getting close to someone.

Now, does this mean that adults with insecure attachment styles can never form a happy and fulfilling relationship? Another question is: can we put all the blame on parents for a child having an insecure attachment style? 

To answer the first question, although adults with insecure attachment styles can indeed struggle to form healthy relationships, it doesn’t mean that they can never find love and happiness. Researchers found plenty of people with insecure attachment styles forming healthy and functional relationships. Gaining awareness of your attachment style and unlearning unhealthy patterns that you learned as a child can help you navigate romantic relationships. 

Now, coming to the second question, while parents/caregivers can play a significant role in modeling a particular attachment style for the child, it doesn’t end there. Attachment style is a complex combination of various factors, such as temperament, personality, life experiences, peer relationships, and cultural and social influences, which can also play a part in influencing a particular attachment style. 

Remember, sometimes jealousy, anxiety, fear, and insecurities can be normal to experience in a relationship; the secret lies in communication. It is necessary to have open and honest communication about these thoughts and feelings with your partner and sometimes with yourself as well. Understanding where these thoughts and feelings originate from and how they impact your relationship can help you navigate these complex negative emotions. 

There are still many unresolved secrets when it comes to love. Researchers and psychologists keep coming up with new findings to help us understand it better. The bottom line is that love can have different meanings for different people. If you have a clear idea of what you want from a relationship and have a partner who is willing to provide it, you can make it work. However, it's crucial to stay open to new ideas, thoughts, feelings, and experiences that come along with love.