In recent years, the term "toxic" has become a buzzword in popular culture, especially when referring to relationships. But who is the “toxic person”? How do we identify them? What motivates them, and what are their intentions? It’s easy to point fingers at someone else, but what about when we find ourselves contributing to the problem? These are not questions with simple answers, but they hold significant importance in understanding both our behavior and the behavior of others.

Many discussions online focus on the perceived toxicity of women in relationships, attributing issues such as childhood trauma, dependency, and unrealistic expectations to the growing number of toxic relationships. This is especially true in the context of marriages, where men often find themselves disillusioned with their partners’ demands, which they view as overly entitled or manipulative. But this narrative often neglects the complex history and context in which these behaviors arise.

Historical Context of Toxic Behavior: A Societal Legacy

To understand the rise of toxic behaviors, especially among women, we must look at history. In the past, especially during the mid-20th century in the USSR, men were in short supply, and women often had to marry the first man they met for fear of being left alone. The social pressures were immense, and many women ended up in marriages with men who were irresponsible, abusive, or neglectful.

This created a cycle of bitterness and distrust. Women, once burdened with the oppression of poor marriages, began to internalize a mindset of survival, passing this onto the next generation. They raised their daughters to believe that men were not worth suffering for. The message became clear: if a man didn’t fulfill his role or respect his partner, he was disposable. This attitude, while understandable in the historical context, has since transformed into a more general view that men are interchangeable, leading to an unhealthy dynamic in modern relationships. This can manifest in a lack of commitment, emotional manipulation, or a tendency to quickly dismiss partners without giving the relationship a fair chance.

Shifting Dynamics: From Dependency to Expectation

Fast forward to today, the demographics have changed dramatically. There are now more men than women, especially in certain age groups. Additionally, economic factors have increased the pressure on women to become more self-sufficient, but with that comes a rise in expectations. These expectations are often placed on men, who are expected to provide and meet a higher standard of living.

Women, especially those who have gone through painful divorces or challenging relationships, are now more likely to demand that future partners meet all of their expectations. But what happens when these expectations are unmet? Unfortunately, this leads to the emotional fallout of disappointment, resentment, and, in some cases, toxic behaviors like manipulation and control. These expectations can range from financial stability and providing a certain lifestyle to emotional support and fulfilling specific roles within the relationship.

The Psychological Impact: Advice That Can Backfire

When faced with the emotional turmoil of a divorce, many women turn to therapy or self-help advice to heal. But some of the guidance offered can inadvertently encourage destructive behaviors. Common advice such as “raise your self-esteem” or “make yourself more attractive to men” might sound helpful on the surface, but it often leads to unrealistic expectations. Many women, wounded by past relationships, begin to treat dating and relationships as a way to gain validation or prove their worth, rather than focusing on genuine connections.

Dating apps and websites, for instance, can create a false sense of entitlement. The gamified nature of these apps, with their emphasis on swiping and instant gratification, can distort perceptions of relationships and encourage superficial interactions. Many women on these platforms are looking for emotional validation and attention, not necessarily a serious relationship. They might expect men to shower them with compliments, gifts, or attention without offering anything in return. This behavior creates an unbalanced dynamic that is often built on superficial desires rather than authentic connection.

The Cycle of Toxicity: From Rejection to Revenge

One of the most damaging forms of toxicity stems from the unhealed wounds of past relationships. These wounds often result in aggressive behaviors toward new partners. A woman who has been hurt in the past may project her anger and disappointment onto a new man. She may compare him to her ex and refuse to show him affection because of what she experienced before.

This cycle of negative thinking and self-sabotage can create a barrier to healthy relationships. Instead of healing from past trauma, these individuals keep reliving their previous experiences and making the new relationship suffer for the mistakes of the past. Over time, this damages both the individual and the relationship.

The Destructive Cycle of Self-Sabotage

The tendency to self-sabotage can also manifest in an unhealthy approach to relationships. Women who have been through traumatic experiences, such as emotional abuse or infidelity, may become overly cautious or unwilling to trust their new partner. They may withhold affection, become distant, or create unrealistic expectations that no one can meet. These behaviors are often based on unresolved trauma and can be linked to insecure attachment styles, making it difficult to form healthy, lasting relationships.

A person who is constantly trapped in this cycle of mistrust and resentment will only continue to perpetuate the same patterns. The irony is that while they may be seeking love and understanding, they push it away through their actions and behaviors. They are more focused on proving they are right or ensuring they are not hurt again than actually experiencing love and connection.

The Path to Healing: Responsibility and Self-Awareness

To break free from this cycle, it’s essential to develop self-awareness and take responsibility for one’s actions. This means acknowledging that while external circumstances and past experiences may have shaped you, you are ultimately in control of your future. Toxic behaviors do not have to define who you are or how you approach relationships.

The first step is to recognize toxic patterns in your own behavior. If you are consistently pushing others away, projecting your anger onto them, or expecting them to meet unrealistic expectations, it’s time to reassess. Therapy, self-help books, or even honest conversations with friends or family can help you become more aware of the damage you may be causing.

Once you acknowledge these toxic behaviors, the next step is to heal. This involves working through past trauma and learning how to trust again. It may take time, but it’s important to realize that healing is a journey, not an overnight fix.

Building Healthy Relationships: Moving Forward

The key to building healthy relationships lies in mutual respect, trust, and communication. If you’ve been through a difficult experience, whether it’s a toxic marriage or a painful breakup, it’s important to give yourself time to heal. Only after addressing your emotional wounds can you enter a new relationship with the emotional availability necessary for a successful partnership.

For men and women alike, building healthy relationships requires an understanding of self-worth and the ability to communicate openly and honestly. If you want to find happiness and fulfillment in relationships, you must be willing to let go of the past, stop projecting your fears and insecurities onto others, and approach love from a place of emotional health.

Conclusion: Breaking the Cycle of Toxicity

Toxic relationships are not the result of one person’s actions, but rather the culmination of both individuals’ unresolved issues and unhealthy patterns of behavior. To break free from this cycle, it’s important to take responsibility for your own actions and focus on healing. Only by addressing past trauma and learning to trust again can we begin to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.