In relationships, passive aggression is a behavior that can often fly under the radar, making it difficult for partners to address and resolve. Unlike open conflict, passive aggression typically involves indirect actions and emotional manipulation, leaving the other partner confused and unable to effectively deal with the situation. This article will break down what passive aggression is, how it manifests in relationships, and what can be done to address it.

What is Passive Aggression in Relationships?

Passive aggression in relationships refers to a pattern of behavior where one partner expresses their anger or dissatisfaction indirectly. Instead of confronting the issue openly, they may make subtle digs, refuse to communicate, or withdraw emotionally. This can be done to instill guilt, devalue the other person’s feelings, and manipulate the situation without taking responsibility for their own actions.

While it might seem less confrontational, passive aggression can be just as harmful as open aggression. It often leads to ongoing emotional distress for both partners, leaving the victim feeling misunderstood and helpless.

How Passive Aggression Works: The Provocation + Ignorance Cycle

Passive aggression follows a repetitive cycle. The aggressor subtly provokes the partner—either by ignoring their needs or making passive comments. For example, they may refuse to participate in an important task, like buying groceries, without giving a reason, or they may express frustration through nonverbal cues. When questioned, the passive-aggressive partner might say, "Nothing is wrong," but their behavior suggests otherwise.

The key feature of passive aggression is that while the victim is provoked and clearly feels hurt, the aggressor avoids any discussion of the issue. They refuse to engage in a conversation that might resolve the situation, instead letting it fester. This silence leaves the victim feeling isolated and uncertain, unsure of the true nature of their partner's feelings.

Devaluing Needs and Violating Boundaries

One of the most common forms of passive aggression in relationships is the deliberate devaluation of the other person’s needs. For example, if one partner asks for help with something important, the passive-aggressive partner may ignore the request entirely, even though they know it is important to the other person. This is often accompanied by a dismissive attitude, such as saying, "Why is this even a problem?" or "It’s not a big deal."

This type of behavior can also extend to personal boundaries. If one partner requests space or privacy, the passive-aggressive partner might ignore the request or guilt-trip the person for needing time alone. Such behaviors serve to manipulate and control the other person without direct confrontation.

Undermining and Suppressing the Partner's Value

In a healthy relationship, conflicts are opportunities for growth. When disagreements arise, both partners should ideally express their feelings, listen to one another, and work together toward a solution. However, passive-aggressive partners often avoid this healthy dynamic.

Instead of addressing issues constructively, passive-aggressive individuals may diminish their partner's value by making cutting remarks, belittling their achievements, or avoiding positive reinforcement. For example, when a partner shares good news, such as winning a competition or getting a promotion, the passive-aggressive person might say something dismissive like, "Well, that's not a big deal," or "You could have done better."

This behavior stems from a deep-seated fear of dependence and vulnerability. A passive-aggressive partner may feel that showing admiration or affection for their partner will make them weak or overly dependent, so they avoid it, even at the cost of damaging the relationship.

The Emotional Cycle: How Passive Aggression Hurts Both Partners

When a passive-aggressive partner refuses to engage in open dialogue, the emotional burden of the relationship falls on the other person. As the partner continues to feel misunderstood, they may start questioning themselves, asking whether they are the ones at fault. This can lead to feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, and resentment.

On the flip side, the passive-aggressive partner may be avoiding conflict because of their own fear of confrontation or vulnerability. Many individuals who engage in passive-aggressive behavior have learned to suppress their emotions due to past experiences with strict parents or difficult relationships. They may have never learned how to communicate their feelings in a healthy, constructive manner.

What Can Be Done About Passive Aggression in Relationships?

Dealing with passive aggression is challenging, but it is not impossible. The key to addressing this behavior is open, honest communication. Both partners must be willing to confront the issue directly, even if it feels uncomfortable. Here are a few steps that can help resolve passive-aggressive dynamics:

1. Recognize the behavior: The first step is to acknowledge the presence of passive aggression. Pay attention to the signs, such as avoidance, dismissiveness, or silent treatment. When you notice these behaviors, it’s important to address them calmly, without escalating the conflict.

2. Express your feelings: The victim of passive aggression must communicate how they feel, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, "I feel hurt when I ask for help and it’s ignored," or "I feel dismissed when I am not given a chance to explain myself."

3. Avoid engaging in the same behavior: If you find yourself becoming passive-aggressive in return, take a step back and reassess the situation. Responding with silence or indirect comments will only prolong the issue.

4. Encourage open dialogue: To break the cycle of passive aggression, both partners need to be willing to have difficult conversations. This means asking questions, seeking clarification, and being open to constructive criticism.

5. Set boundaries: If the passive aggression persists, it’s important to set boundaries. Let your partner know what behaviors are unacceptable and make it clear that you will not tolerate being treated in a manipulative or dismissive manner.

6. Seek professional help: If passive-aggressive behavior continues to negatively affect the relationship, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. Therapy can help both partners understand the root causes of their behavior and learn healthier ways to communicate.

Conclusion: Breaking the Cycle of Passive Aggression

Passive aggression in relationships can create an unhealthy dynamic that causes emotional strain for both partners. By recognizing the behavior, expressing feelings honestly, and seeking open dialogue, it is possible to break the cycle and create a healthier, more supportive relationship. While passive-aggressive behaviors can stem from past trauma or learned habits, they don’t have to define your relationship. With effort, understanding, and communication, it’s possible to turn passive aggression into a thing of the past.