What would a healthy relationship look like? 

How would you know if someone is happy with that relationship?

How can you know if that is what you want and deserve?

I invite you to look at yourself and see what responsibility you have in your results in your interpersonal relationships, be it with partners, parents, siblings, children, friends, coworkers, or any other type of relationship. We live our lives by relating to others because that's our habit.

The invitation I extend on this topic is for you to become aware of the responsibility you exert with your way of being or acting towards others. Many times, we believe that for things to change, the other person has to change. However, if the other person doesn't want to change, even if you want it to happen, it won't, as change is a personal process.

Thus, we live our lives, resentful or resigned because things are the way they are and cannot change simply because they do not depend on us.

There are five rhythms for relating, and I will discuss each one.

The first rhythm is called fluidity. Fluidity, as the name suggests, is about going with the flow of whatever happens. It involves gradually managing the relationship to feel good. It's a way of pleasing and being pleased. In a relationship of fluidity, people show the best of themselves. It's where what emerges from each person is the best, the light within. This light represents all the positive aspects that humans have, or we show the best of ourselves at that moment or are being.

Fluidity is a movement that, if seen in the body, is like a pendulum swinging from side to side, a kind of sway. It's somewhat static as it doesn't have much displacement and, in the long run, can become somewhat rigid because it's a human behavior where the shadow, which is the negative part of the human being, is not allowed to emerge. Therefore, it requires constantly maintaining a posture, which eventually takes its toll, causing the person to stop being themselves just to please and appease the other. They begin to suffer exhaustion, fatigue from always maintaining a posture that everything is fine. We are human beings who not only have light but also have shadow. And in some way, it's important to be able to manifest ourselves as we are.

What are the conversations that can happen in this rhythm?

• I can do it…
• Don't worry, I'll take care of it…
• I'll find you…
• Whenever you want… How do you want it?… I'll take you…
• Always willing to listen, attend, to resolve, often at the expense of their own well-being. Of course, there comes a time when this rhythm becomes tiresome because sustaining fluidity always requires great tenacity and, above all, great endurance.

At a bodily level, there is always a smile on the face, some tension in the shoulders and jaw, a body leaning slightly forward, always ready to act. The emotion, which is on the surface, can be joy with a hidden deep sadness, as it is not shown since sometimes, they aren't even aware that it's there. It can manifest as a profound fatigue at the level of the back, as if carrying a heavy burden.

If a relationship always maintains fluidity, it could become a single way of acting. This could exhaust the relationship and consequently kill it, leading to its end. When a relationship in fluidity begins to have private conversations (internal conversations with yourself), one part of the relationship starts entering another rhythm. Private conversations are those that a person has regarding another or themselves. Private conversations are thoughts, judgments that we begin to have regarding another but don't tell them, we keep quiet about it. By keeping quiet about it, we don't take responsibility for what happens to us, and interpersonal relationships become tense, rigid, and not fluid. This would be a relationship with a rhythm of staccato.

Staccato, the second rhythm in human relationships, is a strong rhythm where there are no conversations and understanding. Conversations turn into complaints, mistreatment, grievances, don't flow, and are often insulting and ironic.

How is this rhythm generated?

After a certain time in a relationship, people enter a space of trust where the shadow, defects, ways of acting that we don't like spontaneously appear without filters. Since we don't dare to talk about them, we start creating thoughts, sensations, and emotions that are not in harmony. But we don't dare to say them for fear of things getting worse.

The more private conversations we have about the other person, the further away we are from their heart. So it's essential to see which relationships are essential to you and realize how many private conversations you have with them.

In staccato, the body is tense, with a strong tone, legs well-positioned on the floor, a strong tone of voice, the chest forward, and the tone of voice is harsh and can be challenging. The conversations that happen in this rhythm can originate from commands, orders, complaints, and precision, imposition, such as:

• What are you doing? Always the same… Until when… Why did you do that… You always… Come on, pick this up now… When are you coming? What are you going to do that for… That's not how it is…

This is usually how conversations start when they are in the rhythm of staccato; the real feeling is never expressed. The emotion that was present is stored away, kept private, and this accumulates until it becomes unsustainable.

The emotion that is present in a person who relates from staccato is often anger, resentment. Worst of all, this can turn into resentment, but deep down, there can be a great void and pain because they usually want something they are not getting. These people can live very tired, exhausted, and worn out. The body that reflects staccato has a face with a furrowed brow, clenched jaw, tension in the shoulders and legs, tension in the stomach, and breathing is short, as if there is not enough air in the lungs.

This rhythm in the relationship makes them heavy, dense, and tiresome. There is pressure on the person to constantly hide what they think of the other; there is a belief that it's better to keep quiet to avoid harm. In that case, the damage is worse, and the relationship drifts apart. If we don't take charge of expressing what's happening to us, we run the risk of the relationship ending. So I invite you to observe yourself from three perspectives:

1.       See what that internal conversation says and observe if it brings you closer or pushes you away from the other person.

2.    What are the emotions that are brewing in the relationship?

3.   What is happening to you while maintaining that type of internal conversation?

Also, if we don't take charge of what we feel, this relationship can abruptly end, and the worst thing is to continue living in a relationship in this way. This gradually embitters each of the people living in staccato relationships. If you want to take charge of this and get out of this rhythm in your relationship, I'll give you some guidelines. It involves organizing ideas, having a conversation to express what you feel, but before that, you must design this conversation. I suggest asking these questions:

1.       What do you want to happen at the end of this conversation? What is the purpose of having it?

2.    What would happen if you don't have this conversation?

3.   What has happened or is happening in this relationship today? Describe with real facts what is happening and what has happened.

4.   What thoughts do you have about the other person that you haven't told them?

5.   What are the emotions that arise while you write?

6.   What do you have to acknowledge that you have stopped doing for the relationship to be as it is today? Or what have you done too much?

Now with everything you've written, you can have a more orderly conversation and take responsibility for having that conversation with the other. To have this conversation, it's essential to be calm, centered, and have your feet firmly on the ground. It's also necessary to prepare yourself so that you can be present in the conversation in such a way that you don't lose the purpose you bring. This means you can tell them what you want to talk to them about something very important that is happening that has not been discussed until now, and for this, you need them to talk differently than they have ever done before. When we start having these conversations, the other person begins to feel uncomfortable because it's something they often don't expect, that surprises them, that possibly leads them to deny what's happening. When these conversations are opened because there may be more than one, the relationship enters the rhythm of chaos.

Chaos, the third rhythm, is a rhythm that may tend to feel unstable because upon opening it, there is a feeling of possibly losing something, as from then on, the relationship will never be the same again. It can be better, it can end, or it can be different. Chaos is a rhythm where, from the body, one can feel the sensation of not having ground, it's a loose body, without much structure, with the head disconnected, sometimes the feeling of being lost. Breathing can be agitated, choppy, with the sensation of lack of air in the lungs. When the conversation we have designed previously is opened, the first thing that can happen is denial, things like, this can't be happening.!!!!

There is a myriad of emotions that arise at the moment of having this conversation, for example, fear, sadness, anger, stress, and there comes a moment when one can feel a void. This void leads us to reflect on what we can accept and what we cannot within this way of relating. Sometimes, we don't know what we want in a relationship, and many times we know what we don't want. You can start from there to generate the agreements that would be good to continue a healthier relationship. From this moment of acceptance, it's important to use the creativity of the people involved to reach healthy and achievable agreements where both parties can feel good. Reaching agreements is not imposition; it's being at peace and being able to do what was agreed upon. From then on, the relationship begins to be different from what was happening. When this maturity is reached within a relationship, we can say that we are facing a rhythm called Lyrical.

Lyrical, the fourth rhythm, is a rhythm where people can express themselves freely with respect, the possibility of saying things without emotional attachment. From the body, the sensation is one of freedom, looseness, where suddenly the three previous rhythms, Fluidity, Staccato, and Chaos, can converge in a very spontaneous way and without any emotional attachment. If these rhythms occur, they pass through very quickly. It's a body that can express itself, that smiles, that has no rigidity, that can have a relaxation, as it's the lightness that works in this rhythm. Breathing is fluid, and oxygen expands throughout the lungs.

Conversations happen spontaneously; there are no private conversations, and we are capable of immediately apologizing if we offend the other person for any reason. We are capable of immediately taking charge when something displeases us and discussing it, and we are capable of opening conversations with the other, even if they are not easy to handle. Sincerity and respect are the emotions that are experienced, which produce joy and tranquility. It's a sensation of feeling safe and loved. When we can go through this rhythm, we enter the last of the five rhythms, which is stillness.

Stillness, the fifth rhythm, is a rhythm that invites us to tranquility, to know that everything is okay. It's a sensation of being in absolute confidence, being supported by a healthy relationship, capable of facing whatever comes from absolute peace. From the body, the sensation is one of being supported by the ground; there is no tension, it's very light, with breathing completely expanded, with a relaxed face.

When a relationship is in stillness, there is a movement of expansion, and what can be experienced is truly peace; emotionally, we can feel joyful and secure.

In conclusion, the invitation with these five rhythms is for you to put them into practice within your world of interpersonal relationships. Those relationships in fluidity require movement to become relationships that can mature. Also, observe when you feel that a relationship is in staccato; it's necessary to open chaos and be able to surpass it to truly enjoy a healthy relationship or a relationship that can end with a closing process. You can't open new relational processes when you have others open because they will lead to failure or a difficult process to carry forward.

I hope that this reflection can support you in navigating interpersonal relationships that can be expansive and a great learning experience for you.

Written by PCC Ana Andrea Labrador. Life Coach, Coach Ontology and Body Coach. Author: The book. “7 Pasos para realizar tus sueños”. Spanish book.

March 2024. Personal Coaching Experience.

Bibliography: Roth, Gabrielle. Maps to Ecstasy: Teachings of an Urban Shaman. Urano, 2010.