When we think about men and their relationships, there’s a derogatory term that sometimes circulates to describe men who experience unhealthy power dynamics in relationships, often feeling pressured to conform to expectations. These men may compromise their true needs and desires to meet the expectations of women, adjusting to societal norms, or allowing themselves to be manipulated in unhealthy ways. It’s important to address the underlying issues behind these dynamics rather than focusing on stigmatizing labels. Often, these men hide or deny their dependence and vulnerability, using various coping mechanisms to protect their sense of self.

The Fear of Not Meeting Expectations

The fear of not meeting societal expectations or feeling judged within relationships is a powerful driving force for many men. This fear is often so overwhelming that they may go to great lengths to cover up their perceived vulnerabilities. They may hide their dependence on others, especially on women, by creating coping mechanisms rooted in pride, ego, and outdated beliefs about masculinity. But in the process, many of these strategies only make the situation worse.

Three Common Coping Mechanisms

There are several ways men typically try to manage the pressure they feel in relationships. The first involves avoiding vulnerability and presenting an image of self-sufficiency. These men may convince themselves and others that they can live without close emotional connections, that they are strong and independent. They try to mask their emotional vulnerability by hiding behind societal norms and expectations, such as the traditional roles of husband, father, and provider. They may adhere to rigid rules like "this is how it should be," even when their true feelings tell them otherwise. For example, a man may talk about how he was forced to attend family gatherings instead of doing something he wanted. This isn't necessarily denial in the psychological sense, but rather an example of prioritizing social obligations or avoiding conflict.

The second coping mechanism involves overcompensation or controlling behavior. Here, the man may act as though he is the master of the situation, showing off his independence and masculinity. This is often a mask for underlying insecurities. The more he overcompensates, the more he may try to control his partner, which can lead to devaluation and emotional manipulation. Jealousy, control, and emotional abuse can result from these dynamics. This behavior is more about power dynamics within a relationship than a true psychological reaction formation. Reaction formation involves outwardly expressing the opposite of one's true feelings (e.g., expressing extreme dislike of women to mask a fear of them). The described behavior of control and manipulation is more about power dynamics within a relationship.

The third coping mechanism is avoidance of relationships altogether. Some men may have faced rejection or difficult experiences in past relationships and, rather than confronting these experiences, they may withdraw from forming new connections. They may shift the blame, sometimes expressing negative views about women. While this can be a consequence of deep frustration and hurt, it's important to differentiate this from the specific ideology of "incels" (involuntary celibates), which represents a distinct and often extremist subset of individuals. Many men avoid relationships for various reasons, including past hurts, fear of vulnerability, or simply a desire to focus on other aspects of their lives.

The Real Source of the Issue: Unmet Needs and Attachment

In many cases, these coping mechanisms are not just about external rejection but about internalized unmet needs and attachment patterns. Men who express anger or frustration in relationships are often doing so because they feel lost, disconnected, or unloved. Their needs for intimacy, connection, and understanding are being ignored, either by themselves or by others. Psychological theories, particularly attachment theory, suggest that these men may struggle with self-worth and use external validation to fill an internal void. They may base their self-esteem on others’ approval, rather than nurturing an internal sense of value. Insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) often play a significant role in unhealthy relationship dynamics. These men may be emotionally unavailable or create narratives about relationships to avoid confronting their emotional vulnerabilities. Ultimately, this behavior can alienate them further from meaningful connections, as they continue to suppress their true desires and emotions.

The Solution: Building Healthy Connections and Emotional Intelligence

How can we break this cycle? The answer lies in self-awareness, authenticity, and developing emotional intelligence. Men who are able to recognize and embrace their true needs are more likely to build healthy, fulfilling relationships. It’s about becoming comfortable with vulnerability and rejecting outdated societal norms that discourage emotional openness. Healthy connections don’t require manipulation or control—they thrive on mutual respect, understanding, and trust. Mutual liking and respect are the cornerstones of any strong relationship. It’s crucial to ask yourself: "Am I truly comfortable with this person? Do they make me feel valued for who I am, not for what I can provide or how I conform to certain expectations?" Recognizing these feelings early on can prevent unnecessary emotional turmoil and guide you toward genuine connections.

The Importance of Emotional Boundaries

In the quest to build meaningful relationships, it's important to maintain clear emotional boundaries. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and understanding. Emotional boundaries define what is and isn’t acceptable behavior in a relationship. For men to move beyond feeling pressured or manipulated, they must first understand, set, and respect boundaries, and also respect the boundaries of others. This is where emotional intelligence comes into play. Men must learn to express their needs and desires openly, without fear of rejection or ridicule. Equally important is the ability to listen and understand the needs of the partner, creating a healthy balance that benefits both people involved. For example, a healthy boundary might be communicating one's need for personal space or time alone, or expressing discomfort with certain behaviors.

Moving Beyond Harmful Masculine Ideals

Ideals of masculinity that emphasize dominance, suppression of emotions, and proving worth through external markers of success can be harmful. True strength lies in being able to show vulnerability, admit mistakes, and build relationships based on authenticity. The idea of the "alpha male" who controls his partner is rooted in insecurity, not strength. Toxic masculinity refers to socially constructed ideals of masculinity that emphasize dominance, aggression, emotional repression, and homophobia, which can be harmful to both men and women. The goal is not to prove masculinity by dominating others but to form genuine, healthy relationships where both parties can thrive. Relationships should be partnerships, not power struggles.

Conclusion: The Key to Fulfillment in Relationships

The foundation of any meaningful relationship is built on mutual attraction, respect, and understanding. Men who are comfortable with their vulnerabilities and who embrace their authentic selves can build relationships that are not based on control, manipulation, or societal expectations. When we stop trying to fit into molds that others have set for us, we create space for genuine, fulfilling relationships. By embracing our needs, setting clear emotional boundaries, and rejecting unhealthy patterns of behavior, we can break free from cycles of manipulation, emotional suppression, and self-doubt. True fulfillment in relationships comes when both individuals feel valued, heard, and appreciated for who they truly are.