You’ve probably heard it all before: a whirlwind beginning full of flowers, gifts, sweet words, and lavish attention. He appears to be the perfect gentleman—protective, chivalrous, endlessly attentive—yet the story often ends in heartbreak. After a few months, he either disappears without explanation or transforms into someone cold and unrecognizable. Why does this pattern repeat so frequently? And how do so many women fall for a dazzling start that leads nowhere good? Let’s explore what psychology has to say about these high-drama beginnings and why they can so easily fool us.

Why Over-the-Top Courting Can Be Deceptive

Modern culture has hammered in the notion that every romance must begin like a fairy tale—flowers, fancy dinners, constant reassurance. Many women have been taught to see such gestures as proof of genuine feelings, as if expensive gifts or big promises equal deep love. It’s no wonder disappointment follows when reality sets in. The first red flag is that these grand gestures often ignore what both people are actually like day to day. They showcase an image, not a lived reality. You see the best version of the man—sometimes not even his real self—and believe you’ve found Prince Charming. Naturally, cognitive biases come into play. You overlook little inconsistencies and excuses because you’re entranced by the show. This relates to the concept of idealization in early relationships, where we tend to focus on positive qualities and minimize negative ones. It’s easy to cling to this fantasy, certain that sweet words and constant flattery must be love. Then one day, you realize you never truly knew him at all.

Confusing Courtship with Guarantees

For many, especially those with an anxious attachment style, a man’s relentless courting looks like a security blanket. If he’s spending loads of time and money, it must mean he’s invested, right? But big gestures are not an insurance policy. Some men are taught that “winning a girl” requires them to go all out—buy flowers, write long love messages, show off any wealth they have—just to “prove” their worth. It’s less about sincere connection and more about fulfilling a script. Once they feel they’ve secured the relationship, their behavior might flip overnight. In turn, you feel tricked, but the real problem is expecting courtship to be a stable measure of someone’s long-term intentions. Psychologically, that approach sets you up for heartbreak because you’re anchoring your trust in appearances, not in consistent, everyday emotional support.

How Boys Learn to ‘Court’

Many men grow up surrounded by female figures—mothers, grandmothers, teachers—who subtly instill the idea that being “good” means following a strict code of conduct. They’re told to cater to a girl’s whims, bring gifts, pay the bill, and always be polite. If they deviate, they risk social shame. This can create a deep-seated belief that courtship is a series of duties rather than a personal choice. As they get older, these men may throw themselves into elaborate displays, hoping to check off every box and receive approval. But in truth, they might barely know you or care about what you really value. Psychologically, it’s a game of earned praise, not genuine closeness. This is a key insight into the potential disconnect between outward actions and inner feelings.

The Trap of Romantic Role-Playing

Traditional courting can feel like you’re both acting out parts in a script. He behaves like a storybook hero; you respond as the enchanted princess. Everything seems magical until normal life creeps in. Suddenly, you discover you have no real compatibility. Perhaps he hates the activities you adore, or you find him controlling rather than protective. You wonder where that sweet man went, but he’s been there all along—he was just hiding behind a “prince” costume. Meanwhile, you’ve become used to constant pampering, and when he stops pouring resources into you, you’re left thinking he’s betrayed you. In truth, the fairy tale was never sustainable.

When We Get Used to the Best Too Soon

This dynamic also explains why many relationships burn bright and then fizzle quickly. At the start, a man might spend beyond his means, shower you with undivided attention, or always present his cheerful, polite side. You settle into a plush bubble where every need is met—until it pops. A healthy relationship can’t be built on an endless dopamine rush, or honeymoon phase. Once the initial excitement fades, you discover your partner’s real personality. If your sense of security depended on his extravagant efforts, you’ll be left feeling cheated the moment those efforts wane. Some people respond by walking away immediately, desperately seeking that intense early high elsewhere—never learning to see beyond the show.

Courtship vs. True Compatibility

Many women rely on the old adage, “Look at how he courts you, and you’ll know his heart.” But that’s a flawed measure of true connection. What counts is how both of you handle everyday challenges, boundaries, and communication. In psychology, real intimacy grows when you can accept each other’s quirks and still support each other through highs and lows. If all you focus on are short-term gestures, you neglect the bigger question: do your values, habits, and long-term goals align?

Owning Your Personal Responsibility

If you find yourself repeatedly fooled by these storybook beginnings, it might be time to examine your own beliefs about love and partnership. Ask yourself whether you’re expecting a substitute parent figure to meet all your emotional needs. This relates to concepts of attachment theory and how early childhood experiences can influence adult relationships. Do you want someone to rescue you from loneliness, pay the bills, or impress your friends? Your psyche might be replaying childhood patterns—craving security, approval, or a sense of being cherished—while ignoring a partner’s deeper attributes. It’s essential to understand your responsibilities in a romantic union. No one else can be accountable for your sense of self-worth or happiness. If you place all that on a partner’s shoulders, you risk continuous disappointment.

A Realistic Approach to Building a Bond

A strong relationship often emerges when two people see each other’s genuine sides early on. A man who stands his ground, states his needs, and doesn’t pretend to be a saint might initially seem less flattering, but at least you know what you’re dealing with. Similarly, a woman who doesn’t require constant fairy-tale treatment to feel loved has a better shot at building something stable. Real life involves challenges, mood swings, financial ups and downs, and personal growth. If you can cooperate through those realities—rather than acting out a fantasy—then you have a sturdy foundation.

Shifting Your Mindset

So what should change? First, recognize that the perfect “courting phase” often reflects performance, not lasting compatibility. Second, remember that grand displays aren’t a guarantee of commitment or devotion. Third, notice how you might be hoping for someone to fill childhood voids—like a missing father figure or an endless source of validation. Working on self-sufficiency and emotional maturity is crucial before plunging into romance. Psychologists emphasize that each partner’s well-being should be anchored in self-awareness, not in the other’s theatrical efforts.

Conclusion

The fairy-tale approach to courtship can feel euphoric but often crumbles once reality intrudes. Instead of chasing big gestures or relying on someone to be your savior, focus on understanding who the other person is beneath the surface. Look for mutual respect, sincerity, and the capacity to handle daily life together. A man willing to engage with you authentically—flaws and all—shows a depth that far outweighs temporary flowers and candlelit dinners. And as for you, step away from the princess script, and take an honest look at your own expectations. A balanced partnership thrives on shared efforts, genuine affection, and the willingness to face life’s chaos side by side, not on a staged fairy tale that dissolves the moment it’s tested.