When it comes to romantic relationships, people often search for stability, emotional comfort, and satisfaction. But what makes love last? According to psychologist Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love, the key to lasting love lies in the balance of three essential components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. These elements work together to form the foundation of a healthy relationship. When all three are present and balanced, love can thrive. But when one of these components is lacking, the relationship can struggle.

In this article, we'll explore Sternberg's triangular theory of love, break down what each component represents, and discuss how to identify a healthy relationship that incorporates all three key components.

What is the Triangular Theory of Love?

The triangular theory of love proposes that love is made up of three core components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. These three elements combine in different ways to define the nature of a romantic relationship.

1. Intimacy: This is the emotional component of love, representing feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bonding. Intimacy involves sharing personal thoughts and feelings, and it creates a deep sense of trust and understanding.

2. Passion: Passion refers to the physical aspect of love, including sexual attraction, desire, and the excitement of being with someone. It represents the intensity and thrill of the relationship, often felt as strong romantic and sexual attraction.

3. Commitment: Commitment is the decision to maintain the relationship and stay loyal over time, regardless of the challenges that arise. It involves long-term dedication, planning for the future, and a shared vision for the relationship.

According to Sternberg, the different combinations of these three components create different types of love. For example, infatuation is love fueled mostly by passion, while companionate love is marked by deep intimacy and commitment, but little passion. The key to a fulfilling relationship is finding a balance between intimacy, passion, and commitment.

How Imbalance in the Triangular Theory Can Lead to Problems

When one of these components is missing or unbalanced, a relationship can begin to show signs of struggle. For example, if you are deeply attracted to someone but lack emotional intimacy or commitment, the relationship might feel superficial, and it could easily fizzle out. Similarly, a relationship with lots of emotional intimacy and commitment but little passion can feel more like a close friendship than a romantic relationship.

Let’s break it down:

1. Passion Without Intimacy or Commitment: This is often seen in infatuation. While the attraction is intense and exciting, it can fade quickly if the relationship lacks emotional depth or long-term plans. The connection might be based on physical attraction, but without emotional or relational support, it can’t withstand the test of time.

2. Intimacy Without Passion or Commitment: This can result in a friendship-like bond. While the emotional connection is strong, the lack of passion and commitment means the relationship may not progress to something deeper or more serious.

3. Commitment Without Intimacy or Passion: This is often the result of a relationship where one or both partners are staying in it out of obligation or convenience, without the emotional connection or excitement that typically comes with love. It may lack fulfillment, and partners can feel trapped or distant from each other.

For a relationship to be truly fulfilling, all three components—intimacy, passion, and commitment—must be present in some form. A healthy relationship requires emotional closeness, physical attraction, and a shared vision for the future. If any one component is missing or lacking, the relationship will face challenges.

Signs of a Healthy Relationship According to the Triangular Theory of Love

To assess whether your relationship has a solid foundation, consider the following questions based on Sternberg’s triangular theory of love. If you can confidently answer “yes” to these questions, your relationship is likely to have a strong balance of intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Is Romance Present in the Relationship?

Romance can mean different things to different people. For some, it involves grand gestures like flowers, dinner dates, and surprises, while others find romance in simpler activities like spending quality time together. What matters most is how you feel about your relationship. Do you find your partner’s gestures romantic, or do you feel disconnected? Romance fuels passion and intimacy, so it’s important to nurture this aspect of your relationship.

Do I Find My Partner Attractive?

Physical attraction plays a big role in the passion component of love. Do you still feel drawn to your partner, not just emotionally but physically as well? Do you desire them, not just in private moments, but also feel a spark when you see them or think about them? Passion fades without attraction, so maintaining that initial desire is essential for a healthy relationship.

Can I Imagine Feeling Better Around Someone Else?

When you are deeply in love, your partner becomes the most important person in your world. If your partner is the one who brings you the most joy and fulfillment, it’s a sign that your emotional connection is strong. If you find yourself daydreaming about other people or wishing for a different partner, it could indicate that something is missing from the relationship.

Do I Have an Unconditional Sex Drive?

In healthy relationships, intimacy and sexual attraction are about more than just fulfilling needs. If you feel a genuine, ongoing desire to be close to your partner and share intimate moments, it reflects the presence of passion in the relationship. However, intimacy should never be used for manipulation or to meet conditions. It should flow naturally, without feeling like a reward or a transaction.

Emotional Support: A Key to Intimacy

A healthy relationship requires emotional support. Does your partner provide you with the emotional comfort you need? When life gets difficult, having a partner who is there for you—emotionally and physically—creates a strong bond of intimacy. You need to feel that no matter what happens, your partner is there for you, supporting you through thick and thin.

Do I Feel Cared For by My Partner?

Feeling cared for isn’t just about practical support. It’s about knowing your partner genuinely cares about your well-being and is emotionally invested in your happiness. Emotional intimacy is a cornerstone of love, and without it, a relationship can feel hollow, even if it looks perfect on paper.

Respect, Communication, and Stability

Another critical element of a healthy relationship is respect. Do you feel respected by your partner? Respect is foundational for emotional security. If you and your partner have different opinions or interests, do you feel that your thoughts and feelings are valued, or are they disregarded? A relationship based on mutual respect can handle disagreements and challenges without the fear of manipulation or emotional harm.

Effective communication also plays a huge role in maintaining intimacy and passion. Are you able to express your feelings openly without fear of judgment? Healthy communication allows you to discuss issues before they become bigger problems.

Do I Feel Secure in Our Relationship?

Stability is a crucial aspect of commitment. If your relationship lacks stability—whether emotionally, physically, or in terms of commitment—you may find yourself feeling anxious or insecure. Knowing that your partner is there for you no matter what creates a strong foundation for a lasting union.

Conclusion: Striving for Balance in Love

Sternberg’s triangular theory of love teaches us that a fulfilling relationship requires balance between intimacy, passion, and commitment. If any one component is missing, the relationship can falter. By fostering these three elements in your relationship, you create a strong foundation for love to grow and thrive.

Remember, healthy relationships require ongoing effort from both partners. If you feel that one of these components is lacking, it’s never too late to work together to strengthen it. Whether you’re deepening emotional intimacy, reigniting passion, or building a future together, the key is balance.