Children are often viewed as the next generation to protect, cherish, and care for. While International Children’s Day celebrates the joy and innocence of childhood, it’s essential to reflect on the challenges and hidden dangers children face daily. The emotional and psychological aspects of parenting, the formation of attachment, and the long-term effects of childhood experiences often determine the health and well-being of the child in their later years. Despite the progress in legal protections and the growing understanding of children’s psychological needs, we still see that many of the old ways of parenting can harm children in ways that last a lifetime.

The Evolution of Child Protection and the Role of Psychology

International Children’s Day, first celebrated in 1950, serves as a reminder of the importance of protecting children not just from physical threats, but also from psychological harm. The United Nations established vital rights for children, recognizing their right to a native language, cultural practices, and the need for a safe environment free from emotional neglect. Despite these advances, many of these principles remain unmet, often due to an ongoing misunderstanding of child development and the emotional needs of young people.

Historically, children were often viewed as "small adults," a perspective that lacked an understanding of their distinct developmental stages. Many early parenting methods, including strict discipline and limited emotional engagement, believed that the best approach was to control children's behavior through fear and punishment. Dr. Spock’s early advice on parenting promoted a more detached style, advising parents not to cater to a child’s cries, suggesting that letting them “cry it out” was healthy. However, it’s important to note that Dr. Spock's views evolved over time, with later editions of his work emphasizing the importance of parental warmth and responsiveness. This earlier approach, however, ignored the complex emotional world of children and their need for secure attachment.

The Role of Parents in Child Development: Nurturing or Harming?

Parenting is not just about providing material needs; it’s also about creating a stable emotional environment. Yet, many parents still inadvertently harm their children by ignoring their emotional needs or trying to live through them. The idea that children should conform to their parents' expectations without being allowed to explore their own desires and personalities can stunt their growth. For example, telling a child that "dancing is stupid" or that "hockey is a waste of time" can suppress their creativity and passions, which could later affect their career choices, self-esteem, and mental health. This can lead to conditional love, where love is given only when the child meets certain parental conditions.

The idea that parental emotional neglect can shape a child’s future is well-documented in psychology. When children grow up with absent emotional connections, they may develop a deep sense of unworthiness. This lack of emotional validation can lead to long-lasting effects, such as anxiety, poor self-esteem, and an inability to form healthy adult relationships.

The Impact of Attachment Trauma

One of the most devastating consequences of poor emotional parenting is attachment trauma. This encompasses both actual abandonment (physical desertion) and, more commonly, emotional abandonment (when parents are physically present but emotionally unavailable). Children who experience emotional abandonment are likely to grow up with a sense of being unimportant. The absence of emotional engagement leaves children feeling that their feelings are unworthy of attention, leading to a lifelong struggle with insecurity and a deep fear of abandonment.

In adulthood, these individuals may struggle in their relationships, constantly seeking reassurance and fearing that they are not loved. This behavior can lead to toxic relationships, where they either cling to unhealthy partners or become detached and avoid emotional intimacy altogether. The emotional scar left by childhood abandonment shapes how they view themselves and others, often making it difficult to trust or develop meaningful connections.

The Trauma of Injustice: The Consequences of Treating Children as Property

Another harmful practice is treating children as property to be controlled and molded to fit parental expectations. Often, parents impose their own unfulfilled dreams or ideals onto their children, expecting them to follow paths they did not take themselves. Whether it’s pressuring a child to become a doctor, an athlete, or to excel in a field the parent finds important, this disregard for a child’s individuality can result in severe emotional consequences. This practice often involves conditional love, which can significantly damage a child's sense of self-worth.

Children subjected to this pressure often grow up with feelings of inadequacy, believing that their own desires and dreams are unimportant. This can lead to difficulty making decisions, as they have never been allowed to explore what they truly want. The constant suppression of their own wants and needs can lead to chronic dissatisfaction and a blunted sense of self, contributing to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion.

The Perils of Physical or Emotional Abuse: The Legacy of Trauma

Physical and emotional abuse can create severe psychological scars that last a lifetime. The trauma inflicted by an emotionally abusive parent can be crippling, leading to feelings of shame and constant self-doubt. It is important to distinguish between emotionally abusive parents and those with narcissistic personality disorder. While these can overlap, not all emotionally abusive parents are narcissistic. Emotional abuse can manifest in various ways, including verbal abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting. Children of abusive parents often grow up in a state of hyper-vigilance (a state of heightened alertness and sensitivity to potential threats), always anticipating the next emotional or physical attack. This fear, along with a sense of inadequacy, can cause them to seek out abusive relationships in adulthood, either as victims or as perpetrators of similar behavior. These patterns can be explained through the lens of intergenerational trauma and attachment theory, which demonstrate how unhealthy patterns are passed down through families.

These patterns of abuse create a cycle of dysfunction that is difficult to break. The inability to trust, fear of intimacy, and constant need for validation become deeply ingrained, leading to a distorted view of relationships and self-worth.

The Need for Emotional Intimacy: A Call for Change

As society evolves, so does our understanding of what children truly need. While physical safety is essential, emotional intimacy and secure attachment are just as crucial for healthy development. Children need to feel seen, heard, and understood. They require a safe environment to express their emotions and explore their identities. Parents must recognize that emotional health is foundational to a child's overall well-being and development. This shift in understanding requires significant changes in how we approach parenting. Instead of imposing rigid expectations or emotionally abandoning children, we must work to create spaces where children feel emotionally safe, supported, and encouraged to develop their own unique identities. This involves practicing responsive parenting, authoritative parenting, and fostering autonomy. It’s not about controlling them, but about guiding them with empathy and understanding.

Conclusion: Understanding the Lasting Impact of Parenting

The impact of childhood experiences cannot be overstated. Whether it’s the trauma of abandonment, emotional neglect, or the damaging effects of overbearing expectations, the psychological scars of childhood follow us into adulthood. The works of developmental psychologists like Jean Piaget and Lev Vygotsky highlight the importance of more than just physical needs in healthy development. Piaget's theory of cognitive development shows how children's understanding of the world evolves through distinct stages, emphasizing the need for age-appropriate interactions and experiences. Vygotsky's sociocultural theory further emphasizes the crucial role of social interaction and guidance from adults in a child's learning and development, underscoring the importance of nurturing emotional intelligence, fostering self-expression, and offering support in times of need.

As we celebrate International Children’s Day, it’s important to reflect on how we can create a world where children are not only physically safe but also emotionally nourished, respected, and supported in becoming the best version of themselves. If you recognize these patterns in your own life or parenting, it's essential to seek professional help from therapists or counselors specializing in childhood trauma and attachment issues.