A lot can be said (and is said) and written (and written) about fear and shame. And every time it seems that everything has already been said, something else, someone else appears, who opens up new facets of these experiences.

Naturally, these are good emotions. A feeling of fear is a signal that danger is nearby and you need to save yourself. Feeling ashamed means I am visible to someone else. So, these are helpful emotions for existence among people and nature. But it happens that a traumatic experience distorts their being and role in a person's life. Overdosing on these emotions is like overdosing on drugs that were potentially beneficial and turned into toxins.

I saw how a person imprisoned themselves in loneliness with fear and shame. A lady looked beautiful and attracted to her by being curious. I began to approach her slowly. And I felt a strong fear - if I had come even closer, touched her even a little - she would have fallen apart, like a blade of grass that was bound by the frost and is now so fragile. And I was so ashamed like I a fool in a museum of beauty - I should understand the deep meaning and not touch it so as not to destroy it. Because of my fear and shame, I did not dare to approach, the lady was left alone with her experiences, lonely. This is how trauma imprisons its prisoners. From the inside, it seems to a person that it is safer not to come out to people, not to show oneself, to live one's own situations and problems. Although in fact the opposite is true - only in contact with other (safe) people is there a chance to get out of your vicious circle.

How does this happen? How do we find ourselves in loneliness? When we are still little, we do not know that we can show ourselves to the world and get something bad in return, because each of us is born good (with the feeling that "I am good"). And only when someone nearby (usually the mother) begins to react in a toxic way (mocking, angry, condemning, devaluing, etc.) the suspicion that something is wrong begins to creep in. The child is unable to see that "wrong" is about the parents, attributes the "wrong" to himself. Later on, it's scary to show yourself as you are. Well, because who wants to be angry, ridiculed, devalued in response... And we start to build various schemes to hide the real us. The saddest thing is that we hide ourselves from ourselves as well - because if I don't see, then the others won't either.

A reliable scheme of not letting anyone near you is to fill the space inside and outside with a smoke-fog of fear. And then you can't see anyone behind that fog (and if you can't see, you don’t feel shame), nor can others see you (and then you are not so afraid). And it is important that there should be fog - it cannot be dispelled or avoided - no matter how much you wave your hands, it is there where it was. A wall or moat between you and the world is not so reliable - one can see them, and therefore find a way to overcome them.

I call “smoke-fog” those states when, to the question "What is scary for you in this situation?", a person cannot give a clear answer – they are afraid of something but what they are afraid of is unclear (this is the internal fog). And they send a signal to the outside - "Don't come close, it hurts", but what hurts and where it hurts is not clear.

It would be beautiful if it wasn't so sad and lonely.